Tuesday

I

This map is called "USA Map For Rednecks", which unfortunately attempts to pigeonhole this example of cartographic genius into the tired and largely unfunny realm of redneck joke. Ignore that and focus on how brilliantly inconsistent this map is. Benjamin Franklin! Gays! Snow and Bears! This is America, and it is totally great.

II

Check out this Alka Seltzer ad:

AWWW, look how cute that kitten is! Also, is this ad in LOLspeak? And that is a sweet robe, guy. The more I think about it, though, the less this ad makes sense. Hey dude! Why are you washing dishes?

INFORMAL SURVEY: In the last month, how many times have you woken up with a ragged hangover and dragged your reeling, half-drunk body out of bed TO WASH DISHES?
a) 3-5 times
b) 8 times
c) 16 or more times

Also, what is so interesting down and to the right? And what is so dangerous here? That kitten is going to be DANGEROUSLY clean!

Am I the only one who saw the box in the corner and thought "condoms"? Your product is dirty, Alka Seltzer.

III

According to legend, a picture is worth 1000 words, which I think is probably something like the literary equivalent of $0.50. I googled "words to dollar conversion" to make sure, but all I got was foreign exchange conversions and a list of words whose letters add up to 100 (like "mittens"! Yay internet!) Anyway, my point is that this is probably worth $15,000 (or 15151 gas station pepperoni sticks, if that helps put it in perspective):

In case you are wondering, 90% of the 30,000,000 words are "ha". The other 10% are "ah", which happens when I try to type "ha" too fast.