the LOST update you've been waiting for your whole life, or at least since yesterday.

In case you guys missed yesterday's new exciting episode of the popular television program Lost, here is what happened:

Some of the people, who I guess left the island but now want to go back for some reason, go visit Grandma in a church, and she shows them a giant magical pendulum and some science stuff written on a chalkboard, and this one dude is like, "this doesn't make any sense and I am not going back to the island and you are all CRAZY, especially Grandma here", and he almost kicks the pendulum as he stalks off. Then Jack, who I guess is the "skeptic" of the show, is like, "okay, I totally buy Grandma's story about this pendulum being able to predict the location of the time-traveling island I just escaped from, when do we leave?" Then Jack and Kate have some going-back-to-the-island sex, and then next morning Jack makes himself some coffee and Kate comes out of the bedroom, and Jack is like, "oh Kate, I, uh, totally made you some coffee", which turns out to be a masterful bluff because then she just sort of awkwardly leaves.

[cue Fight Club narration] I am Jack's inflated ego.

Okay, so now Jack has to go pick up JOHN LOCKE (who I thought was named Jim. Oops!) who is DEAD (when did that happen?) and being refrigerated in a meat locker. Then he puts some of his dad's shoes on JOHN LOCKE which he stole from Grandpa, who looks like he is maybe two years older than Jack, after Grandpa tried to escape his nursing home.

[cue Fight Club narration] I am Jack's willing suspension of disbelief.

Anyway, ALSO, there is this woman named Joon, or something, who is married to a dude named Jin, or something, who is convinced Jin is dead because she was there when they dropped his body from a flaming helicopter onto an exploding oil tanker, or something. HOWEVER, this other guy, let's call him Johnson, convinces Joon to tag along with their crazy scheme to go back to the island because he can prove that Jin is not dead! What a miracle!

[cue Fight Club narration] I am Jack's appreciation of true love miracles.

Okay, so the gang gets on the an airplane that Grandma's sciencey chalkboard and pendulum tell her will fly through a window to the island. And guess what? THE WHOLE GANG IS THERE! Not just Jack, and Kate, and Joon, and Johnson, but also Jerry and Jimbo. FATE. Also, Jack reads a special letter that JOHN LOCKE left with Grandma, which is very passive-aggressive and not much help. I guess that's what endless toil at the Donkey Wheel of life will do to a person.

And then Jerry wakes up in a waterfall clutching a guitar case.

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK TO FIND OUT WHAT IS IN THAT GUITAR CASE.