Check out all of these unhatched eggs I counted

About three weeks ago I decided that I didn't want to buy any more gas for the rest of the month. Believe it or not, this is actually not in response to rising fuel prices (which has finally unseated the unseasonably cold weather in Seattle as champion of small-talk, and now reclines triumphantly atop the pantheon of idle conversation), but instead is just a random project that I thought I'd try. I'm going to San Diego today and won't be home until Monday night, so even though it's not quite the end of the month, I am going to go ahead and declare ULTIMATE EARLY VICTORY.

Conceptually, this project is not that big of a deal, but considering that I decided to undertake it with only half of a tank to begin with, I am pretty proud of myself. A big accomplishment was only driving to work 4 times in the last three weeks, and only one of those 4 times was truly unnecessary (it looked sort of darkish outside, so I convinced myself I didn't want to ride my bike, and probably five minutes later it was beautiful outside). The biggest accomplishment, however, was not skipping out on doing anything fun because of it.

I'm a little surprised at how much I learned from the experience, given how obvious all of the benefits are. One thing I learned is that I should not drive to work as much as I do. I have a pretty sweet 7ish-mile commute which usually takes about 12-15 minutes in the car. I have found this translates to about 25-30 minutes on my bike and about 30-35 minutes on the bus, which is really not that big of a difference, although I do have to allow time to get to the bus stop or to change clothes before work if I bike. Taking all of these twists into consideration, I have to leave my place at 6:05 if I bus it, 6:25 if I bike it, and 6:45 if I drive (although I have to say that each of those 20-minute blocks feels like 2 hours that early in the morning). I think people give where I live in the Interbay neighborhood a lot of crap (okay, mostly deserved), but I feel pretty lucky about my general North-South options. My bike commute is all flat and along the waterfront (awesome), there are two bus routes that go between Interbay and my office in Sodo that come by every 10 minutes in the morning (awesome), and I can easily walk to Ballard where most of my friends live (awesome).

Another thing I learned is that the 4.3 miles between Interbay and the Tangletown neighborhood where Booster Seat lives is TOTALLY WORTH THE GAS. It is either 3 busses or 5 miles on bike including 1.5 miles of continuous uphill. Why is East-West so hard in Seattle?

Anyway, I might try this again next month. Armed with the foreknowledge and experience I have accumulated, it should be easier than the last few weeks, especially since I can budget my driving a little better.

Whoops!

So the full-length play Circus Tracks is running right now at Live Girls! Theater in Ballard (also known as NO IT'S NOT A STRIP CLUB), where I act as the least-qualified technical director of all time ("let's try nailing it in here. Nope. How about here? Nope. Ouch! Hey, can someone grab me a PBR? So where does this wire go?"). I've heard lots of good things about the show, and it will be closing this coming weekend, so you should all go see it [disclaimer: GO SEE IT] [disclaimer disclaimer: JUST GO SEE IT OK].

(When you go see it, tell them that Bac-Log! sent you and wink. Then start giving people high-fives. NOTE: This will probably not get you a discount).

Anyway, after you see it you will have to tell me how it was because through a remarkable series of events I managed to completely miss the run! I didn't want to go opening weekend because usually that's when the actors and production team have their peeps come and it's usually pretty full, and then the next weekend ended up being a whirlwind of going-away and graduation parties, and then last weekend was a bunch of barbecuing and naked bicyclists, and this weekend I am going to go prod and squeeze a delightful youngster in San Diego. Where did the time go? I'm upset that I managed to miss what is probably an amazing show, but also because I am really curious what my bio says in the program.

Most serious theater people have bios like, "SO-AND-SO graduated from SOME NEW YORK COLLEGE where they worked with SOME FAMOUS THEATER PERSON and are excited to be working with SUCH AND WHAT LOCAL THEATER. You may have recently seen them in SOME OTHER PLAY at DIFFERENT THEATER. They won MAGICAL THEATER AWARD for their portrayal of PROPER NOUN in ANOTHER PLAY at PLAYHOUSE SOMEWHERE ELSE, PROBABLY IN EUROPE." Since I do not have this pedigree, my bio always ends up being along the lines of "Grant hammers and saws stuff. You may have seen other stuff Grant has hammered and sawed at [last play]." Ashamed by my lack of relevant personal accomplishment, I usually try to spice up my bio to compensate, often using the literary device known as "lying". In general, however, these get rejected and I am forced to copy and paste the bio above at the last minute.

Here is a list of bios that have been rejected:

• "Grant wishes he had a pet unicorn."
• "Grant wishes to remain anonymous."
• [note to printer: please copy-and-paste "AWESOME" 250 times]
• "Grant eats babies."
• [note to printer: please copy-and-paste Alison's bio and add "and Grant wrote this himself"]
• "Grant enjoys technical direction as a distraction from building his throne of skulls"
• "When Grant is not building sets, he is also acting president and treasurer of the 'Grant Is The Best' society"

For Circus Tracks, however, I submitted three possible bios and was never asked if I could please for the love of God just submit something normal for a change. I hope that means that one of these options made it in:

• "Grant is awesome at writing bios"
• "Grant is probably a time-traveler whose mission it is to bring warnings from the future to the people of the present, although he doesn't have a very good memory, and also he is a habitual liar."
• "Grant's life is exactly like the movie 'Speed' but with less Sandra Bullock and more Skittles."

Anyway, someone should go check it out and let me know.

wait, whaaaaaaat?

INTERNET! HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING AGAIN?!

Beware of the dangers of stress!

Look at this gem of knowledge gleamed from the allexperts.com Zoology section:

Much of the cannibalism among mammals is caused by stress and not hunger

Person 1: Hey, why did you eat that guy?
Person 2: Oh man, it's just been one of those days.
Person 1: Oh yeah, I hate those.

I bring this up because thanks to modern gummy technology, it is finally possible to build a digestible full-size Lego effigy of yourself or others and devour it in a sticky whirlwind of cannibalistic fury:


I hope the evolution of gummy Legos roughly follows the same course as real Legos, because I think there are lots of philosophic problems that can only be solved by flying gummy Lego spaceships into my mouth. I suppose it's possible that progress could be also be made with gummy versions of the Robin Hood series, as long as they take care to make sure the trees don't taste like lime, because that is just sloppy color stereotyping. You can do better, Kellogg's.

Q: do you know what's awesome?

A: INTERNET!!

Tuesday

I

This map is called "USA Map For Rednecks", which unfortunately attempts to pigeonhole this example of cartographic genius into the tired and largely unfunny realm of redneck joke. Ignore that and focus on how brilliantly inconsistent this map is. Benjamin Franklin! Gays! Snow and Bears! This is America, and it is totally great.

II

Check out this Alka Seltzer ad:

AWWW, look how cute that kitten is! Also, is this ad in LOLspeak? And that is a sweet robe, guy. The more I think about it, though, the less this ad makes sense. Hey dude! Why are you washing dishes?

INFORMAL SURVEY: In the last month, how many times have you woken up with a ragged hangover and dragged your reeling, half-drunk body out of bed TO WASH DISHES?
a) 3-5 times
b) 8 times
c) 16 or more times

Also, what is so interesting down and to the right? And what is so dangerous here? That kitten is going to be DANGEROUSLY clean!

Am I the only one who saw the box in the corner and thought "condoms"? Your product is dirty, Alka Seltzer.

III

According to legend, a picture is worth 1000 words, which I think is probably something like the literary equivalent of $0.50. I googled "words to dollar conversion" to make sure, but all I got was foreign exchange conversions and a list of words whose letters add up to 100 (like "mittens"! Yay internet!) Anyway, my point is that this is probably worth $15,000 (or 15151 gas station pepperoni sticks, if that helps put it in perspective):

In case you are wondering, 90% of the 30,000,000 words are "ha". The other 10% are "ah", which happens when I try to type "ha" too fast.

neighbor kid has it right

The kid who lives across the hall from me proudly posted this manifesto of summerness on his door. I'm not sure I fully understand the glyphs that adorn the bottom of the page (I think he might be trying to say, "beachball pineapple hamburger bird egg cilantro"), but the message is clear: It's fucking summertime. Also: Fuck school.

[anticipation] Bacon Links! [excited murmuring]

Guess what time it is? [Answer: 1:06 pm. Also: BACON LINK TIME!]

My friend Vik had a great bacon link in his gmail status line, and it reminded me that I have been letting exciting insights into the world of bacon pile up for too long. It is time to unleash them.

Bacon Good For You (thanks Vikram!)
Thick-sliced bacon taste test
Bacon Flowchart
Bacon Manifesto, alas, not as cool as its name would suggest (thanks Vik!)
Sex & Bacon Q&A (thanks Tricia!!)
Bacon is God's Currency (thanks Ian!)
Awesome bacon t-shirt (thanks Kyle!)
How to sculpt bacon fat
Pictures of Bacon for Karen
Bacon wrapped asparagus
Bacon Zen and Leftover Bacon Zen
Bacon and eggs are now glued to a single platform of cold, withered bread.
Awesome headline, disappointing article
Whopper with SIXTY slices of bacon!!
Bacon-wrapped stuffed jalapeños
Mr Baconhead Ha hahaha ha ha
Disturbing meat clown face
Tonight, justice will smell delicious

Photo from Flickr user mybloodyself

Mobile blogging

At the bar, my buddy Spodie informs me that the Internet will end in 2020. We laugh, ha ha ha, but he seems pretty serious about it. I guess the point is that we'd better start stocking up on pirated music and porn just in case. You can't be too prepared, you know.

-if not back in 72 hours, avenge
death

[cheering] BANANA LINKS [obstinate silence]

You are probably thinking, "Whaaaaaa?! Did I come to the right blog? I must have typed 'ban-log' on accident." Nope. Tomorrow, perhaps, I will massage your mind with a sensual selection of salty bacon links. Today: Banana Links.

Bananas are proof that God exists
Banana wall
Banana Holder
Hilarious banana prank not universally hilarious.
Banana machine gun
Why banana taste funny?
Meat banana
Banana guard- "The original banana protector"
Bananaganizer
How bananas are like traffic lights
You're doing it wrong
Banana bike!
Weird banana art
Bananahandle
DOGS IN BANANA COSTUMES!!
Bananas in Pyjamas
Old woman lip-syncing the Chiquita Banana song
Curved yellow fruit - 40c
Banana cell phone holder!
Banana phone used with awesome acting skill


Photo from Flickr User Pragmagraphr

Gift idea:

The intersection of expansive technology and the chaotic oven of culture has produced the language of the internet, which culminates at this exact moment with this exact picture. This is what is truly meant by "OMG". I can't be sure at the moment, but I don't think I've ever wanted to put an entire car in my mouth more than I do right now. Also, I'm squealing on the inside, and maybe a little on the outside.

I think on the first day I own this car I am going to attach a cardboard tube to the top and drive it through the mud so it looks like a candied apple. Then I'll probably run some errands with it.

The second day I own this car I am going to paint some numbers on it and see if anyone on my block wants to play "car billiards" with me. If not, I guess I'll have to play "car dodgeball" with them instead.

The third day I own this car I will begin construction of my gumball-machine garage and go to the bank to get a bunch of quarters so I can drive it whenever I want.

The forth day I own this car I'll probably sleep in a little bit and take it easy, maybe watch a movie or something. Do some laundry.

By the fifth day I hope to have thought of a good superhero persona that matches the car so it makes more sense when I try to fight crime in it. My ideas right now are Sour Apple Man, The Greenthumb, and Normal-Looking Guy With An Adorable Round Car Man. In all cases I will fight crime using the lethal combination of my Green River Community College 1-Credit Karate Class skillz and my superior stapling and collating skillz.

I've been trying to find out more about this precious dollop of automotive excellence, but so far the image search terms "adorable gumball car" and "waaaaaant" have not produced any relevant results. Maybe someone has some time at work today for some intense internet research? As a reward for substantial information I will short-list you on my sidekick application. As my sidekick, Quarter Man (or Woman), your primary duties will be to release the crime-fighting car from the secret gumball-machine garage, occasionally hold my Big Gulp if it doesn't fit in provided cupholders, and feed me fries if I'm busy driving. However, you will NOT be allowed to choose the crime-fighting music. Also, you will dress like a butler.

UPDATE: Jason (also here, here, and here) sacrificed airline maintenance programming for the greater good and found this:

You know, the ability to eject panels off of the crime-fighting car is actually a very useful feature just in case you are trying to catch a criminal who is riding a bicycle behind you. Although I was initially disappointed by the vegetable representation, I have to say that "Bicycle-riding Criminal, looks like you just got PEA'd-on," is a pretty great one-liner.

Product review: Pro-abstinence sweatpants.

My friend Ian's friend Molly (the same degree of separation as I am from Kevin Bacon, although not the famous actor Kevin Bacon, but rather my friend Sara's boss who is also named Kevin Bacon. ANYWAY, I guess my point is Molly = Kevin Bacon) sent Ian a link to this product to review:

PRODUCT: Piper and Blue Junior's Crop Pant with "True Love Waits" graphic available at Kmart
REVIEW: If worn as directed, this product is 100% effective at preventing sex, including premarital sex. Also, according to the online promotional literature, this product features elastic cuffs and is imported.

Is it just me, or from afar does it kind of look like these pants celebrate the gravelly-voiced music stylings of Tom Waits? This is appropriate, since Tom Waits is the Kmart abstinence-only sweatpants of music.

I wrote a review on Kmart's website, but apparently it may take up to 72 hours to post, which makes me think someone is going to read it before publishing the review. If this is the case, I put the probability of it actually getting posted at about 15%. On the off chance it does get published, look for the review by "Falcor" ("Grant" and "Falcon" were already taken as review nicknames, so what choice did I have?)

UPDATE:

Since beginning to write this review, the following events have unfolded:

• I use one of our BABE Rally team email addresses to register on Kmart's website, which I forgot was set up to auto-forward to all of my teammates, which causes me to have to explain to Kyle that the reason he is getting Kmart spam juice all over his inbox is because I am writing a review of pro-abstinence sweatpants.
• I have a cup of coffee.
• I have to make a couple of phone calls at work.
  
• Ian informs me that not only does Kevin "Molly" Bacon want credit for finding this magnificent product, also Kevin Bacon's roommate, Claire, wants credit. Then I start thinking about the staggering size of this world where someone is more degrees of separation away from me than Kevin Bacon is, and I suddenly feel lonely and small.
• I nick some candy from my coworker.
• I have another cup of coffee.
• Kmart still hasn't published my review. SIGH.

UPDATE:

Evidently my review has successfully navigated the murky passages of the Kmart online review process, and against all rational hope has been posted. Hurrah!

*SIIIIGH*

Evidently some people don't understand the concept of this exciting new *Sigh* feature.

Sigh.

Also, Serious Eats' Photo of the Day is Penguin Dumplings!! Ha ha ha EEEWWWW ha ha ha! Gross!

Oh... it turns out they are just regular dumplings that look like penguins.

Sigh.

another *SIGH*

Ha ha ha, amazing, right? "It's a good thing we have that extra bottle of wa... KITTY?! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?! The boss is on his way to discuss my raise and I bet he's thirsty! YOU ARE WHY WE CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS!"

Nope. It turns out there is a hole cut in the back of the bottle.

Sigh.

*Sigh*

I was flipping through Neatorama, doing my best to catch up on my glassy-eyed internet staring that I have been neglecting recently, when I came across the headline, "Hamster Vacuum."

It turns out it's just a hamster that eats a lot.

Sigh.