Thursday, September 25, 2008

Baco 2.0

Here is a list of things you were wrong about today:
  1. Thinking there is nothing better than the original baco.
  2. Thinking, "I bet nobody is going to call me out on a blog for being wrong about something today."
But don't feel bad; we're all wrong sometimes. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you THE BACO 2.0 EXPERIENCE:



Those bacon rays that your eyes just hungrily slurped off of your computer screen are but a tiny slice of the glory that is the Baco 2.0 Experience.

Okay, so these bacos were actually made, like, years ago [ed note: 2 months ago]. I posted about the "haco" a day or two later with the intention of creating a heaving sea of baco demand into which I would hurl these salty morsels of awesomeness to be devoured in a frenzy of orgasmic delight, but in a spectacular display of Dramatic Buildup FAIL, I totally forgot. [INSERT SAD EMOTICON OF YOUR CHOICE HERE]. This is the baco-blogging equivalent of waiting behind a couch to jump out and scare your roommate when they get home, but then accidentally falling asleep, and then freaking out when they wake you up to ask why you are sleeping behind the couch and if you intend on paying rent at some point. Sort of.

Anyway, here is a note on baco pronunciation:
baco ba·co [bah-koh]
noun
Success embodied and carved into a convenient hand-sized package of glory.
See, it's not "bake-o", it is "bah-koh", got it? You know, like a taco. A taco BUT WITH A BACON SHELL! Here is a rhyme you may use to help you with this pronounciation: "Crumble crumble little taco, don't you wish you were a baco?" Also you may use this classic: "One, two, buckle my taco/ three, four, give me a baco."

Anyway, as you probably all know, Baco 1.0 was an exciting journey into the wide and uncharted frontiers of baconspace, and resulted in unexpected but well-deserved success. Team Baco 2.0 applied the knowledge and experience gleaned from this adventure and sought to refine and improve the baco, specifically by putting other kinds of awesome crap in it.

Baco 1.0 was a simple affair: Iceberg lettuce, crumbled blue cheese, and more bacon. A logical next step was some sort of Breakfast Baco-- a hat-tip, if you will, to the traditional morning role of bacon. But beyond that was a limitless expanse of possibility, like an untouched field of fresh snow, just asking for you to mess it up by running through it. I was a little overwhelmed, so I asked my friend Hillary of haiku judging fame for advice. You will meet the gifted and well-behaved children of our brainstorms below, but first I suppose I should offer a quick primer of the baco process:

Step 1: Gather bacon and other ingredients:



Step 2:
Weave a mat of bacon and dreams:



Step 3:
Cut the mat into a circle (this is an optional but recommended step for larger bacos):



Step 4:
Drape the bacon mat (the "Proto-Baco") over stainless steel baco mold:



Step 5:
Bake. Remove from oven. Let cool. You are an artist, and this is your canvas:



But what do you put in the baco? Here are some Baco 2.0 Experience recipe suggestions, carefully engineered and tested for your enjoyment:

The Breakfast Baco (pictured above, but here it is again):

Ingredients:
Maple-bacon Baco shell
Creamy scrambled egg
Basil
Sun-dried tomato
Mozzerella
Bacon

The Greek Baco (with blur-tastic photo! Bacos make even light greasy):

Ingredients:
Baco shell
Seasoned ground lamb
cucumber
Assorted olives
Feta cheese
Sun-dried tomato
Greek yogurt

The Caprese Baco (with unfortunate baco shell structural failure):

Ingredients:
Baco shell
Mozzerella
Tomato
Olive oil
Basil

Rosemary Baco (not pictured. GASP!):
Ingredients:
Baco shell
Chorizo sausage
Rosemary sprigs
Brie

Can I get a drumroll, please? It needs to be the most epic of all drumrolls. The prophesy speaks of a Chosen Drumroll: A lone drumroll born amidst a galestorm of anticipation and raised by a pack of lightning bolts, who will one day come forth blazing across a snare carved from the inaccessible peaks of excitement, heralding the coming of all excellence. It is time for the prophesy to be fulfulled:

THE ULTIMATE BACO:


Ingredients:
Pepper-bacon Baco shell
Lettuce
Scrambled egg
Seasoned ground lamb
Greek yogurt
Basil
Feta cheese
Sun-dried tomato
Mozzarella
Watermelon (yes, for reals. We pull no punches.)
Cucumber
Crumbled blue cheese
Pepperoncini
Grilled onion
Rosemary
Olives
Brie
Blue cheese salad dressing
Chorizo sausage
More bacon

PRODUCT: Ultimate Baco.
REVIEW: Ultimate Awesome.

If you thirst for more photos of Bacosploitation, here are some more: [link to Baco 2.0 Album]. If you are still thirsty after you have viewed the photos it is probably because of all of the salt your eyes just absorbed, and you should probably grab a drink.

You are welcome.

27 comments:

bdoepker said...

Wouldn't the phoenetic spelling of Baco be "bah-koe"? "bah-kow" suggests to me that cow is in some way involved, and although many animals died in the making of various Baco 2.0's, I never saw any thing involving cows.

Grant said...

Oh man, you are totally right-- I think I meant to do "bah-koh", screwed up, and then screwed up again, and then screwed up again by forgetting to check for screw-ups. I SCREWED UP.

Note: "screwed" becomes a funny word when you look at it too long.

Also, I think it's funny that Blake is pretty much the sole proponent of correct baco pronunciation.

fallex said...

LOL. "stainless steel baco mold" or tin foil, whatever.

Grant said...

No, there is actually a super special stainless steel baco mold under the aluminum foil covering: http://picasaweb.google.com/lh/photo/lUkWvrw_t7YcN9ZD3DxJ5Q?feat=directlink

I just cover it in aluminum foil for easy baco removal.

inflammatory writ said...

That is so wrong that its RIGHT.

Anonymous said...

The "ultimate baco" makes me think of all those stoned nights, eating crap that never quite satisfied me, that left me hungry. I believe the "ultimate baco" could cure any case of the muchies. Like a portal from one high to another.

Alan said...

I made some yesterday, they were unbelievable!

Photos here: http://snarkybytes.com/?p=2664

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