sigh, blogging.

Hola amigos!

So one of the many really stupid conceptual blog ideas that I have had from time to time has been a blog in which every entry is an apology and excuse for not blogging. I am dangerously close to unintentionally implementing this idea, although as wild chance would have it, Bac-Log also happens to be an applicable title for this concept.

Okay, so because they won't stop bothering me about it, I am pleased to announce that apparently I managed to passively convince my friends Ian and Sara in New York to attend the Brooklyn Bacon Takedown, where they had to wait in line FOREVER and it was CROWDED and HOT and there were WOLVES AFTER THEM and one of them probably RUPTURED THEIR SPLEEN and they were HUNGRY and WHEN WILL WE GET THERE, and then they got stomach aches from eating 27 different bacon dishes. BOO HOO.

Here is a good selection of their text whining:

IAN:
"Hey! We're at the bacon-off. It is hella crowded and there is nowhere to sit. Sara is providing photos. More updates to come."

"This line is soooo long and hasn't moved in twenty minutes! You bastard!"

"We're never gonna get to eat!"

"I am not fucking anyone for food today! Too tired from doing it all those other days."

"I have a tummy ache"

SARA:

"40 minutes early and still standing room only."

"In line for 20 minutes, still no bacon."

"We can see but not eat! You set us up!"

Anyway, they finally made it to the glory that was 27 different bacon dishes, and I will post some of Sara's photos later, when I am not pressed for time in an airport. Also, I promise I will get to the super-exciting prize distribution for Sara's unprecedented slogan contest victory.

Okay, anyway, I have to catch a plane now. I am going to the land of volcanoes:


Apparently that is an actual picture of Mt. Redoubt erupting.

SERVICE DELAY

Due to STUPID WORK STUFF, I have not had sufficient time to randomly arrange words on a blue screen for you. Bac-Log apologizes for the delay in heaping glory and stuff on Sara, who I guess won the slogan contest. Until time is available for a proper display of well-deserved gratitude, I think everyone should wave a tiny mental flag in celebration of Sara's dominating victory.

Also, I know it's early and all, but in case you were wondering what to get me for Christmas:



I thought I was getting close to being a complete person, but then the internet has to drop HORSE HEAD VASES on me. Now I have to line my entire hallway and probably every wall of my bedroom with alternating white and black horse head vases at tastefully varying heights, and then fill them with seasonal flower arrangements. So close, yet so, so far.

Lobster--> Grant--> Peapods

Hey gang, check this out:



Few worldly delights are as keen and lofty as being sandwiched on a Cabaret bill between "Lobster" and "Peapods".

Okay, I am starting this story in the late-middle. A little while ago, I was asked by the local theater company that I hammer and saw stuff for, Live Girls! Theater, if I wanted to contribute anything for our Season Kick-off Cabaret on Saturday. I think I was specifically asked for a Top-10 list of some sort that had something to do with the theme of the Cabaret, which was "Slumber Party". Here's basically what I came up with after months of intense work, sequestered in a rustic lakeside cabin with only candlelight to illuminate my furious literary genius:

Top 1 Greatest Things About Slumber Parties:
1. Slow-motion pillow fights.

After I accepted the fact that I would probably be the only person to find a "Top 1" list funny, I gave up and figured that maybe it was time to switch gears from a writing a "Top 10" list to my greater strength, which is running away and hiding. But, having vaguely obligated myself to producing some sort of appropriate and relevant material, I felt guilty about backing out, so I hammered out a little last-minute story a couple of days before and sent it in for approval.

Miraculously, and probably due to a mix of insufficient time to find a replacement and sheer pity, I was informed on Saturday morning, the day of the Cabaret, and right before a super-important and intense fantasy baseball draft, that my story was a go. This gave me precious little time to polish it up and figure out what I was doing, and I wasted most of that on working out the details of my entrance (which, despite some technical difficulty, turned out okay). Fortunately, it also gave me no time to freak out about going on stage and reading something that I threw together at the last minute in front of people.

So anyway, in case you are interested, the story is [here]. It probably helps to imagine it in its natural habitat, which is being solemnly read aloud out of a dusty hardback book by me, reclining in a chair with my pipe and sweater, after being pulled onto the stage on a platform attached to a little girl's bike with training wheels. However, in your imagination, you are allowed to replace the safety goggles that I made the girl who towed me out onto the stage wear with aviator goggles and a scarf, because that would have been even more awesome. Also, maybe next time I will see if I can put a fancy lamp and a hi-ball with scotch on the platform too.

All-in-all everything turned out pretty good, I guess. It's weird being on stage with the bright lights and the hushed crowds and the not-knowing-what-you-are-doings, but I think the Vitamin-R that I kicked back in the AM helped refreshingly calm my nerves. It also helped that I made some of my friends come, and that they were obligated to like it, as a birthday present. In fact, I would like to officially announce on this legally-binding publication that I owe PIPS, Taco, Heenkenstein, Dread Pirate Colins, Booster Seat, Tougs, BRG, the Faux-sin, and Princess Grossman 2 hours of my time doing something that I wouldn't ordinarily do unless guilt-tripped or bribed. You guys are the best!

Also, KEEP VOTING ON THE SUPER-EXCITING BAC-LOG REVIEW CHALLENGE 2008! It's a super-close race between "Bac-Log: A tragic balance of severe witticism tempered with batches of the mundane that excruciatingly explores the nebulous realms of being vs. becoming", "Bac-Log: Possibly all an elaborate inside joke, or maybe not", and "Bac-Log: It's more like a blue page of words that coincidentally formed sentences." You have until Wednesday to affect the courses of history!

FINALLY

What up, gang[?]

Two things: 1.) When used as a greeting, does that actually need a question mark? 2.) I renewed my drivers license yesterday (because I'm old), and counter 6 was piloted by the most awesomely archetypal DOL employee ever. You know, rumpled, beady, bespectacled, completely humorless-- if the DOL ever pulled a Star Wars Episode 2 and hired a weird water dolphin planet to clone bureau-troopers, this guy would be like Boba Fett. Anyway, every time he called someone up to the counter he meticulously deployed the standard, "Firstname Lastname, please come to counter six. Firstname [pause] Lastname," even if the person was already standing there. I watched this machine-like bureaucratic precision for maybe half an hour, when this Indian dude wanders up to counter 6, and the DOL employee just says, "what up," with a little head nod. What? Does this Indian guy come in so often that he and the DOL-bots are on "what up" terms?

Anyway, I meant to post these awesome Bac-Log reviews a couple days ago, but I somehow became really busy. Sorry! [not that sorry]. Okay, so here's how this review contest is going to proceed: I will post either the whole review (if it is of reasonable length *cough* *cough* Courtney *hack* *HACK*), or a representative summary. I will conclude each review with an associated tagline. Also, as in the legendary Cancer-Fighting Haiku Contest, each review will be accompanied by an image generated by entering the tagline into Google Image Search.

Hold on to your butts:

Wait, what movie is that from?

RACHEL'S REVIEW:

I think your friend Sara's friend eats too much paste during passing period. Your blog reminds me of the excellent, albeit defunct, teen magazine called Sassy. Sassy was "fashion" magazine that did not focus on fashion much in the way that Bac-Log does not focus on bacon. But that's what made it great. Keep up the good work. Sara's friend can suck it. End of review.

Tagline: Bac-Log: Like the defunct teen fashion magazine Sassy but for bacon.

* * *

HEIDI'S REVIEW:

Meh, sometimes I read it.

Tagline: Bac-Log: Meh, sometimes something something *bored*

* * *

COURTNEY'S REVIEW (excerpt):

OK, this is not where I thought this blog post was going to go with previously mentioned title, but ok, I'm at work and I don't have anything else to do. Blah, blah, blah.............. blah...Ha.... blah blah blah... hahahaha... that is soo Grant... blah blah blah, a lot of words. Ha.

Tagline: Bac-Log: blah blah blah, a lot of words. Ha.

* * *

ADRIAN'S REVIEW:

I would say the best thing about bac-log is that it allows me to maintain an excellent distant tenuous relationship with a brother who lives in the same town as me but whom I never see because he lives farther than a ten minute walk. It is a tragic balance of severe witticism tempered with batches of the mundane that excruciatingly explores the nebulous realms of being vs. becoming...in blog format. I like to read it when I pretend to work and recommend it to jewish people. I suck at writing comments! I need to scan the picture I drew of a squirrel going to work-That would more accurately portray my feelings about this blog.

Tagline: Bac-Log: A tragic balance of severe witticism tempered with batches of the mundane that excruciatingly explores the nebulous realms of being vs. becoming.

* * *

TRICIA'S REVIEW:

The bac-log is where I go when I am feeling glum and bored with the thoughts that are floating through my head. I am consistently surprised by the witty commentary and always amazed at its complete randomness. I often try to bring up random and exciting topics of conversation with the author of bac-log in hopes that one day it will make it to the all-hallowed walls of the bac-log, but it has yet to happen... I also use it to prove to co-workers that the stories I bring back from the weekend are true, and that Grant really is off his rocker.

Tagline: Bac-Log: Those stories from the weekend are true!

* * *

RITA'S REVIEW (excerpt):

So you want a review? [Uses the promise of familiar crisp, satisfying bacon to lure you into the thick smoky outer regions of the blogsphere, some never to return.] I hate to admit it but Yes, I did drop him on his head when he was very young, that or maybe those scary Lego people.

Tagline: Bac-Log: ...something about scary lego people. What?

* * *

SARA'S REVIEW (excerpt):

Bac-log makes no sense to me. I always read it and laugh, but then I wonder if I actually get it, or if its all an inside joke that I would understand if I actually lived in the same state as the author. However, with this contest, sprung from the comment that my completely disconnected friend made, so I feel that I've been brought back in the fold and get the joke. I probably still don't get it though.

Tagline: Bac-Log: Possibly all an elaborate inside joke, or maybe not.


AWESOME! Okay, so now that you've all thoroughly read the reviews and carefully considered the taglines and discussed the elaborate thumbnail images with your colleagues over piping-hot cups of fancy tea, you must vote on your favorite. THAT MEANS YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO VISIT THE BLOG, GOOGLE READER USERS. Don't worry, I will refund those extra mouse clicks. (The check is already in the mail.) (Please don't cash it until at least the 15th. I don't want to overdraw again.)

Just in case you don't like any of the taglines, I have included the versatile "None of the above/I am incapable of human feeling" option.

Also, you can vote for multiple taglines.

VOTE NOW HURRY GO GO GO GO

ARE YOU READY

FOR SOME DEMOCRACY?! [hint: yes]

Okay, here's the deal: I need MORE REVIEWS OF BAC-LOG. They do not need to be as elaborate or contain as many "blah"s as Courtney's review. They can also contain more thinly-veiled criticism. They can also contain more suggestions for what you think Bac-Log should be that it is not, and will never be, because it's my stupid blog, okay? They can also contain more reviews of things completely unrelated to Bac-Log, because that would actually be sort of awesome. They can also be a lot shorter and contain more swearing and/or just mashing the keyboard. They could also just be a picture. I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS, PEOPLE. Just be sure to stretch first, and wait at least an hour before you go swimming afterwards.

THEN, after I collect a couple more reviews, I will post the review and an associated blog slogan related to the review, for everyone to point at and laugh. THEN, I will make people vote on which review/slogan should "win". THEN, I will make people vote on what the prizes should be. This is going to be awesome.

How awesome? As awesome as this guy:


Bac-Log Review Contest 2009™: You will buy the whole seat, and you will use the whole seat because you paid for the whole seat. HOWEVER, if you are given the option of only buying the edge at a reduced price, you should do that, because you will ONLY NEED THE EDGE.

technology is awesome!

When you file your taxes online, this little guy puts on a tiny green visor and adds numbers up on an adorable little adding machine:



Because that's how computers work. (Apparently, paintings of animals in people clothes gets me every time.)

Also, you should check out this awesome blog post Ian wrote about our cross-country adventure last year.

Is this how blogging works? If not, [PUT REAL BLOG STUFF HERE AND THEN ERASE THIS WHEN YOU ARE DONE].

***

I am so out of it today.

More shining reviews of Bac-Log

Check out this awesome review of Bac-Log by one of my friend Sara's friends:

I read a bit of that blog, therefore I consider myself an informed expert when I say, that is not a bacon blog. That might not even be a blog in general. It's more like a blue page of words that coincidentally formed sentences. It's not bad! It's just not... anything... in particular.

How do you have a blog about bacon? What the eff happens with bacon consistently enough to dedicate an entire domain name to it?

Bac-log is an amazing name for a bacon blog, if it made sense to have a blog about bacon.

If he were a chef who only cooked bacon, maybe the above would be feasible (and incredible!!!!).

Bacon blog research? Really? Who are you talking to?

Hahahahaha! In case you missed it, here is the relevant part again, with emphasis added:

I read a bit of that blog, therefore I consider myself an informed expert when I say, that is not a bacon blog. That might not even be a blog in general. It's more like a blue page of words that coincidentally formed sentences. It's not bad! It's just not... anything... in particular.

Wait, maybe that is not enough emphasis:

I read a bit of that blog, therefore I consider myself an informed expert when I say, that is not a bacon blog. That might not even be a blog in general. It's more like a blue page of words that coincidentally formed sentences. It's not bad! It's just not... anything... in particular.

Fringe blog scientists have long postulated that there existed at the asymptotic limits of infinitely-dimensional blogspace a better slogan than "The most important blog in the history of time." For the most part, these fringe blogologists have been shunned and ridiculed by the mainstream conservative blog science establishment, who are primarily concerned with securing blog research grants and free tickets to fancy black-tie open-bar Blogsonian events, rather than forwarding the frontiers of the most important of all sciences. Well, score one for the underdogs, ladies and gentlemen. The absolute limits of perfection have finally been reached:

Bac-Log: It's more like a blue page of words that coincidentally formed sentences.

Awesome! I just can't get over how completely and perfectly Informed Expert (or IE for short) encapsulated all of Bac-Log in one tiny review. IE sure CRASHED my blogging party! (Ignore that sentence; it is just to see if I can get Bac-Log to pop up when people search for Internet Explorer problems).

I think this week should be Bac-Log Review Contest 2009 Week™! Send me a short review of Bac-Log (in the comments or email), and then somehow there will be prizes. Trust me, I might not know how to blog, but I also don't know how to make contests.