today's scores

Grape Jolly Rancher 1, Grant's teeth 0

As a premeditated example of delicious misplaced revenge, I am planning to take my humiliation out on some poor, unsuspecting Pho later.

UPDATE: I heard once that it takes around 20 minutes to recognize that you are full. It's only been 5 minutes, but I'm going to guess that the victory licorice I had after the giant bowl of Pho was probably unnecessary.

Baco 2.0

Here is a list of things you were wrong about today:

1. Thinking there is nothing better than the original baco.
2. Thinking, "I bet nobody is going to call me out on a blog for being wrong about something today."
   

But don't feel bad; we're all wrong sometimes. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you THE BACO 2.0 EXPERIENCE:



Those bacon rays that your eyes just hungrily slurped off of your computer screen are but a tiny slice of the glory that is the Baco 2.0 Experience.

Okay, so these bacos were actually made, like, years ago [ed note: 2 months ago]. I posted about the "haco" a day or two later with the intention of creating a heaving sea of baco demand into which I would hurl these salty morsels of awesomeness to be devoured in a frenzy of orgasmic delight, but in a spectacular display of Dramatic Buildup FAIL, I totally forgot. [INSERT SAD EMOTICON OF YOUR CHOICE HERE]. This is the baco-blogging equivalent of waiting behind a couch to jump out and scare your roommate when they get home, but then accidentally falling asleep, and then freaking out when they wake you up to ask why you are sleeping behind the couch and if you intend on paying rent at some point. Sort of.

Anyway, here is a note on baco pronunciation:

baco ba·co [bah-koh]
noun
Success embodied and carved into a convenient hand-sized package of glory.

See, it's not "bake-o", it is "bah-koh", got it? You know, like a taco. A taco BUT WITH A BACON SHELL! Here is a rhyme you may use to help you with this pronounciation: "Crumble crumble little taco, don't you wish you were a baco?" Also you may use this classic: "One, two, buckle my taco/ three, four, give me a baco."

Anyway, as you probably all know, Baco 1.0 was an exciting journey into the wide and uncharted frontiers of baconspace, and resulted in unexpected but well-deserved success. Team Baco 2.0 applied the knowledge and experience gleaned from this adventure and sought to refine and improve the baco, specifically by putting other kinds of awesome crap in it.

Baco 1.0 was a simple affair: Iceberg lettuce, crumbled blue cheese, and more bacon. A logical next step was some sort of Breakfast Baco-- a hat-tip, if you will, to the traditional morning role of bacon. But beyond that was a limitless expanse of possibility, like an untouched field of fresh snow, just asking for you to mess it up by running through it. I was a little overwhelmed, so I asked my friend Hillary of haiku judging fame for advice. You will meet the gifted and well-behaved children of our brainstorms below, but first I suppose I should offer a quick primer of the baco process:

Step 1: Gather bacon and other ingredients:



Step 2: Weave a mat of bacon and dreams:

Step 3: Cut the mat into a circle (this is an optional but recommended step for larger bacos):



Step 4: Drape the bacon mat (the "Proto-Baco") over stainless steel baco mold:

Step 5: Bake. Remove from oven. Let cool. You are an artist, and this is your canvas:



But what do you put in the baco? Here are some Baco 2.0 Experience recipe suggestions, carefully engineered and tested for your enjoyment:

The Breakfast Baco (pictured above, but here it is again):

Ingredients:
Maple-bacon Baco shell
Creamy scrambled egg
Basil
Sun-dried tomato
Mozzerella
Bacon

The Greek Baco (with blur-tastic photo! Bacos make even light greasy):

Ingredients:
Baco shell
Seasoned ground lamb
cucumber
Assorted olives
Feta cheese
Sun-dried tomato
Greek yogurt

The Caprese Baco (with unfortunate baco shell structural failure):

Ingredients:
Baco shell
Mozzerella
Tomato
Olive oil
Basil

Rosemary Baco (not pictured. GASP!):
Ingredients:
Baco shell
Chorizo sausage
Rosemary sprigs
Brie

Can I get a drumroll, please? It needs to be the most epic of all drumrolls. The prophesy speaks of a Chosen Drumroll: A lone drumroll born amidst a galestorm of anticipation and raised by a pack of lightning bolts, who will one day come forth blazing across a snare carved from the inaccessible peaks of excitement, heralding the coming of all excellence. It is time for the prophesy to be fulfulled:

THE ULTIMATE BACO:


Ingredients:
Pepper-bacon Baco shell
Lettuce
Scrambled egg
Seasoned ground lamb
Greek yogurt
Basil
Feta cheese
Sun-dried tomato
Mozzarella
Watermelon (yes, for reals. We pull no punches.)
Cucumber
Crumbled blue cheese
Pepperoncini
Grilled onion
Rosemary
Olives
Brie
Blue cheese salad dressing
Chorizo sausage
More bacon

PRODUCT: Ultimate Baco.
REVIEW: Ultimate Awesome.

If you thirst for more photos of Bacosploitation, here are some more: [link to Baco 2.0 Album]. If you are still thirsty after you have viewed the photos it is probably because of all of the salt your eyes just absorbed, and you should probably grab a drink.

You are welcome.

is it really only wednesday?

Okay, so a haggard and foul-smelling homogeneous chemical mixture stumbles into a bar and tries to order a drink. The bartender, sensing that this homogeneous chemical mixture is obviously already intoxicated, throws it out so as to not offend the other patrons. After witnessing this incident, an attractive and well-dressed homogeneous chemical mixture who has been sitting at the bar leans over to her friend and says, "Whew, I'd sure rather be part of the problem than part of that solution!"

You see, it's funny because solution can mean two different things.

[awkward silence] [uncomfortable fidgeting] [looks at watch]

No? Well, how about this instead:

Look! It's a pair of adorable little toasties! With little pats of butter! AWWW! And the product placement makes the box look like it says "butt".

Is that better?

DO NOT BE ALARMED

Okay, take a deep breath and, if possible, tightly hold the hand of someone you love.

Are you ready?

Guys, it turns out there were five mistakes in the movie Back To The Future!



But don't worry- these mistakes do not undermine this sacred movie's fundamental pillars of truth that we have built our entire society upon, namely TIME TRAVEL BY GOING 88MPH IN A DELOREAN and SLOWLY DISSOLVING HANDS and CRISPIN GLOVER and TIME TRAVEL BY GOING 88MPH IN A DELOREAN.

Plus I already have a plan for how to explain these minor flaws in my Miss Congeniality/Back To The Future cross-over fan fiction:

1. Darth Vader's hairdryer disappears because it is actually a hairdryer from 1988 that Doc Brown left in the DeLorean for some reason (read: shameless vanity), and since Marty's unrepentant and irresponsible meddling with the space-time continuum is threatening that future, the hairdryer dissolves (off camera) just like his brother's head in the photograph. Maybe Marty, in addition to screwing up his future family by being all hunky in front of his mom, also somehow screws up the lives of those eventually responsible for manufacturing this important future hairdryer.

2. The speaker vanishes because it is actually a speaker from 1988... [okay, you know how this part goes now]... and the sign rotates because it cleverly conceals a spy periscope used by the drivers of the car, who happen to be the Iranian terrorists from 1988 who are hunting down Marty in the past after ramming their VW van into the time-traveling shack. Intrigue!

3. Candy jar empties because the candy is actually from the past, and that past is threatened by the fact that Marty will soon be visiting it, and so it dissolves, and also Crispin Glover (who will be named "Crisper Glovin" in my fiction) was probably responsible for filling the candy vessel, and that dude is weird. I bet that candy had all sorts of creepy Crispin magic.

4. The gauges and needles on the dashboard changed because past Doc Brown works part time for an automotive accessories store called Olde Automobile Zone to support his mad sciencing and he gets a sweet discount on aftermarket needles and gauges.

5. The subtle change in appearance of Doc Brown while he is driving the time-traveling DeLorean is due to the fact that in addition to being an ageless, time-traveling mad scientist, he is also a shape-shifter. He uses this skill to fight crime. This is really not that big of stretch, relatively.

Bonus. This one is pretty obvious, but I guess I'll spell it out for the sake of completeness. Doc Brown's dog Einstein is actually zombie Einstein in a dog suit which he uses to avoid detection as he runs from tax collectors and a tenacious small-town sheriff who keeps foiling his zombie scientist plots, and also to bide his him until he can use the time-traveling DeLorean to travel to a distant future era in which zombie scientists are more like zombie gods, worshiped and adored by the descendants of man, their robots, and their robot's man-like bio-bots.

See! It turns out everything is okay after all. You are welcome.

[via]

NEW FEATURE: misuse of blog

People:

Anyone want to go see tonight's Mariners game against the hated division rivals, the Los Angeles California Angels of Anaheim California, a game that has absolutely zero impact or importance? I have an extra ticket because Patron Saint has to work late or something.

Pros:

• getting to hang out with Me, BRG, and Rachel
• awesome seats right behind the visitor's dugout, so we can yell stuff at the opposing players
• you will get to learn all about our fantasy baseball league (exciting!!) because BRG and I are duking it out for the top spot, and also the starting pitcher for the Angels is on my team.
• Because of this you will probably learn all sorts of new words and phrases that you can feel free to use at home and work.
  
• free!

Cons:

• how about you read the Pros again. THERE ARE NO CONS HERE

Let me know! Game starts at 7. We will be pre-drinking at Hooverville. YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS THIS!! [hint: this is true]

UPDATE: File this under "Pros": I will also regale you with the scintillating tale of the real-life hobo that I met on Saturday while he was looking for the trainyard! [disclaimer: Vik, Kyle S, and Lisa were not nearly as impressed by this tale as I thought they should be, but maybe it's because they were just jealous]

I was getting more bacon

Guess what, gang! [dramatic pause for answer] It's Monday! [awkward silence]

Okay, so this:



What? Is this a reference from a movie or a TV show or a video game or the back of a cereal box or something? I am torn between a desire for understanding at the cost of potential disappointment and the desire to stubbornly remain blissfully confused by such immaculate randomness.

Also, here is a haiku by my friend Laura Kate (with official Bac-Log haiku formatting):

XVIII

my heart hurts so much
but my belly is smiling
bacon forever

Laura: does this glory come in the mail? Will I be receiving it in an envelope?
Me: glory comes in an envelope sealed with magnificence
Laura: meaning bacon?
Me: if it is bacon-related glory, then yes
Laura: so when I receive my bacon-sealed envelope in the mail, I will know that it is my glory
Me: yes
  but also glory can be distributed straight to your heart
Laura: through more bacon?
Me: hahahaha, yes
Laura: I love bacon

miracles are all around us, and also the positive effects of pirates

Jason: what the name of the ice sport with ninjas and pirates?
Me: broomball

(What was the world like in the dark days before gmail recorded our conversations for posterity?)

Okay, so if you have been on or around the internet today, or knows someone who has, or even knows what the internet is, or is human, or even casually knows a human, or exists at least partially in three dimensions, you have heard that today is Talk Like A Pirate Day. For many people this is a cause of great celebration and mirth and excitement, apparently because they need this as an excuse to talk like a pirate. If you have to find time to talk like a pirate, and this only happens once a year, maybe you need to rethink your priorities.

A much better day would be Act Like A Pirate Day (With Pirate Speech And Dress Optional), provided that this day came with some sort of liability protection. As in, maybe you get two free pillages without legal repercussion.

Anyway, regardless of your thoughts about perceived relevance and specific application of Talk Like A Pirate Day, I think it's important to remember what Talk Like A Pirate Day is really all about, and that's family. Family, and also buried treasure. Also it is about being able to recognize Talk Like A Pirate Day miracles, and use these miracles to strengthen your Talk Like A Pirate Day faith.

Talk Like A Pirate Day miracles are all around us! For example, if your breakfast did not suddenly dissolve into space like it was in the transporter on Star Trek, that was no coincidence! That was a Talk Like A Pirate Day miracle! And if your computer at work didn't burst spontaneously into bright green flames, that was also a Talk Like A Pirate Day miracle! And if you saw an extra little twinkle in the eye of your adorable barista today as they served you your half-caf double-tall 190° vanilla soy latte with extra foam, that was a Talk Like A Pirate Day miracle and also burgeoning love! Talk Like A Pirate Day miracles often lead to love, but unfortunately they also occasionally lead to cancer.

My Talk Like A Pirate Day miracle was truly incredible. You see, my Mom sent me an email on Tuesday to remind me of Talk Like A Pirate Day, which was very courteous as it allowed me plenty of time for last-minute Talk Like A Pirate Day gifts and to hide Talk Like A Pirate Day colored eggs and to make reservations for a romantic dinner for my Talk Like A Pirate Day-tine and to carve my Talk Like A Pirate Day-O-Lantern and to prepare a turkey for the Talk Like A Pirate Day ceremonious dinner which celebrates the historic feast between the newcome and ill-prepared pirates and the merchant sailors whose wares they would eventually steal.

I opened my calendar to enter this important date when I discovered that it was already there! Somehow the divine influence of Talk Like A Pirate Day saw fit to include Talk Like A Pirate Day in my calendar as an "all-day event" with reminders set to both 1 and 2 days before! This is truly the 2nd greatest Talk Like A Pirate Day miracle off all time, behind only the bearded and reindeer-drawn Talk Like A Pirate Day diety rising from death three days after discovering fireworks and the American continent just in time to remember the veterans of past wars!

Talk Like A Pirate Day also affords us an opportunity to consider how important yet unsung is the role of the pirate, who makes sure that not too much gold stays above ground for too long, so it wont become a tripping hazard. I will leave you now with the symbolic Talk Like A Pirate Day Rune of Responsible Recycling:

[guest post] OUTDONEREDER

Ladies and Gentlemen (but mostly ladies), be herein entreated to the long-anticipated followup guest post by Ian F. King, who makes the rest of my blog look like crap (THANKS FOR NOTHING, DUDE*).

*actually, thanks for letting me crash with you in New York so often.

UPDATE: Ian: "you can discuss in an intro how much I badgered you into running my post!"

also:

Ian: "I want to collect all the glory that awaits me"

also:

Ian: "why are you stalling?"

also:

Ian: "I want glory"

also:

Ian: "No one reads the internet on the weekend!"


Not too long after my recent entreaty to the Bac-Log faithful to join me in reliving one of the innumerable highlights in its rich and storied history, the letters began to trickle in, and then that trickle grew into a light pour, which has in the last half of a fortnight threatened to turn into a slightly heavier pour. These letters all say the exact same thing:

"Good Sir," they begin, "I hesitate to bring pause to the various important comings and goings of your busy days, but in my enrapt engagement with your recent guest post on what is indubitably the most important blog in the history of time, I couldn't help but be persnickety enough to notice one incredibly minor and completely irrelevant discrepancy between your recounting of the 20th century, and what certain highly questionable scholars might call 'the truth.' To wit, the ill-conceived butter substitute known as margarine was first brought to the general public quite some time before the 1940's, and not afterwards as you suggested. Please forgive my impulsive decision to encroach upon you with this concern, but I believed it to be something that needed to be brought to your attention. Yours sincerely, So & So."

It continued like this until my whimsical yet dutiful carrier pigeon Nugget spoke up one morning as he was making his delivery rounds. "Surely you must settle this matter once and for all, lest my letter satchel continue to overflow," he reasoned. Nugget was toeing the line of insubordination, but he did have a valid point, though I didn't hear him complaining about all the seeds he was collecting from me in fees - so much so that I decided it would be easier to simply leave a small dish of his fees suspended from a low branch on the oak tree outside my window, in a container shaped like a small house, as I knew that was his favorite shape.

"If you would only enlighten the people, they will greatly appreciate it," Nugget said, flapping his way off my windowsill, and it is in the hopes of forging an understanding in your minds that I will now make an admission I have heretofore been loathe to make: margarine was indeed available in the 1940's, and long before, but I have in the past refused to acknowledge its existence, as I will continue to do so, until Saint Peter drags me to my watery grave in the sky.

What I'm writing here is of course no revelation, as anyone with more than a fourth grade education is well aware that in 1869, Emperor Louis Napoleon III of France offered a prize to anyone who could make a satisfactory substitute for butter, suitable for use by the armed forces and lower classes. French chemist Hippolyte Mège-Mouriés invented a substance he called oleomargarine, and, as they say, the rest is terrible, terrible history. What monsieur Mege-Mouries didn't know was that his "prize" would be a permanent shackling in the foulest dungeon available in Paris at the time, where he spent the remainder of his days with his head clamped in an iron mask, having ample time to think about the abomination he had so wittingly wrought on the world.

How it came to pass that margarine has since stood the test of time and advances of civilization is quite beyond comprehension, and I've tried to give it no thought, as has Bac-Log's benevolent founder, Mr. Grant V. Laine. Indeed, the guiding force behind margarine stands diametrically opposed to one of the very principles that we formed this blog on, as certainly no foodstuff that was brought forth at the behest of a leader whose very name is synonymous with the inferiority complex is fit to take space on the refrigerator shelves of true and valorous men.

I beseech you, why would one slather their morning toast in an oil-based substitute for insecurity? Would you fill your delicious Sunday pie with apples that clearly lacked an inner strength and confidence? Would you cram your holiday turkey so full of cowardly stuffing that by the time you were able to coax it out of the oven it would be far too dry to savor? As one of the original battle-cries from the very mission statement that Bac-Log was founded on states: "Spread not the unnamable and insecure butter substitute on your daily bread, but the bold and brazen brazenberry jam. If brazenberry jam is not available, use boysenberry."

Though the much sought-after brazenberry went extinct in the late 50's, along with the equally delicious belching-fish, every other word on that original Bac-Log charter is as relevant today as it was when it was drafted on a series of now-historical napkins in the backroom of an alehouse in Hoboken that both Grant and I lived above, in an old tenement apartment that we would re-christen that very next morning as Bac-Log Gustatory and Ingestatory Documentation Partners LLC, turning a fine and upstanding young gentlemen bachelor's residence into an even finer and even more upstanding blogeteria.

Doing one better than even that other most glorious and empowering of documents, the Magna Carta Liberatum, in a single spirited sitting the two of us drew up our own call to arms, a series of laws to love and rules to live by, principles that would guide us all through the moral, philosophical, and actual wildernesses of the modern world. The Mangia Charta Degustatum, as it was later dubbed by the leading culinary scholars of the late 1970's, now rests behind inches of weather-proof glass, in one of the most prominent storage rooms in the vast Smithsonian institute.

Fueled by our own reciprocal largesse of inspiration, and bowl after bowl of peanuts that were as salty as Lot's wife, we compiled a list of commandments that numbered into the dozens. After reluctantly striking through all of the newly-minted lines that were highly amusing descriptions of the innkeeper's buxom daughter, we were left with nothing less than the eight principles that have seen me through my darkest hours and proudest moments, and, much more importantly, have helped to make Grant V. Laine the statuesque demi-god of the blogosphere that he is.

For those who have yet to lay their virgin eyes upon the glorious sunburst of knowledge that is the Mangia Charta, which is located on the "About Us" page (link here), I'll now reprint that entire document here from memory, as it is as fresh in my mind today as it was that wondrous night:

The Fifteenth of August, in the Annum Nineteen Hundred and Forty Three, Brings About To The Attention Of The General Public Of These United States This Order of Business Of The Utmost Importance: A new blog (tentative title: "Captain Eats-A-Bunch's Plenty O' Thoughts")

STATEMENT OF INTENT:

In Our Wholly Justified and Unquestionable Wisdom, We Hereby Declare That,

1. To eat is human, to devour is divine,

2. To improve the condition of any single object, wrap in a layer of bacon,

3. (note to self: look into a way of possibly combining breakfast and lunch, with an emphasis on egg-based dishes)

4. Red meat is the other white meat,

5. He who forgets the past is doomed to relive it, so make sure to write down even the stuff you ate that you didn't like to eat,

6. Spread not the unnamable and insecure butter substitute on your daily bread, but the bold and brazen brazenberry jam. If brazenberry jam is not available, use boysenberry.

7. Of all the world's vegetables, nothing beats a ripe and firm tomato, one as plump and comely as Bess, the innkeeper's daughter,

8. (TK)

Witnesseth On This Glorious Day, Signed,

Grant V. Laine

His Humble Assistant

Learning things about myself

A big part of life is personal growth and exploration. Discovering new interests and feelings and perspectives can be a fulfilling and exciting journey. For example, a recent personal discovery of my own is that I need to make more space in my life for what makes me happy, namely pictures of birds dressed in people clothes.

For me, this adorable little guy represents all that is good in the world. His slightly-lifted chin represents strength and optimism. His dapper little bowtie represents unity. His patterned shirt represents careful frugality, economy, and the benefits of vertical stripes. That his portrait is in profile represents how weird it is that his eyes are on opposite sides of his head. Maybe I can apply this to my life somehow; perhaps my inner eyes are on the opposite sides of my inner head, so if it appears that I am not paying attention sometimes, maybe it is just that I am trying to look at you with one of my inner eyes, okay? Geez.

That the portrait is incomplete represents that I should go get another coffee refill.

MORE good ideas

Ho ho ho, dear readers-- it looks like today is your lucky day*. Here are MORE delightfully cozy ideas in which to swaddle your delicate fancies whilst idly reclining within your contemplative moods of deliberate and thoughtful consideration:

1. Another new slogan idea: "Bac-log: All Lies, Including This Slogan"

2. When I start my knock-off generic beverage company (after I generate some start-up capital with my meat-engine company), I think I will have a line of knock-off Rockstar energy drinks called "Roadie™", and the slogan for "Roadie™ Juiced Guava-like Fruit Energy Drink" will be "70% Fake Juice/30% savings over name-brand product". Also the 16oz can will advertise "Double Size/Double The Amount Of Generic Juice Product Inside". DISCLAIMER: there will be no 8oz size, because I'm trying to streamline my production process. Bac-Log, in addition to being the most important blog in the history of time and/or all lies, is also all about beverage manufacturing and bottling efficiency.

Speaking of efficiency, I should probably get back to work.

*[DISCLAIMER: may not actually be your lucky day. Lucky day chances of winning are 1/29,200 for individuals with 80-year expected lifespan. Some purchase may be necessary to play. Are you still reading this? Goonies: Great movie, or Greatest movie?]

UPDATE: Roadie™ Juiced Guava-like Fruit Energy Drink: "70% Fake Juice/87% of all statistics are made up on the spot/12% that joke is so old/Meat% Delicious/110% effort".

UPDATE: Another slogan idea: "Bac-Log: Meat% Delicious/(1-Meat)% Blog". Yes or No?

UPDATE: Previous updates available under "stupid ideas upgrade service pack release v1.01", and may not be compatible with reason or purpose.

some non-1 number of things

Okay, one more thing (besides that lie. ZING! Crap, that "zing" does not count toward my Thing Count either, okay).

New slogan for Bac-Log: "5% punchline, 85% boring setup, 12% not good with percentages."

Oh man, this reminds me that I meant to do a product review of Rockstar Juiced Guava Energy Drink that I had at a picnic a few weeks ago:

PRODUCT: Rockstar Juiced Guava Energy Drink
REVIEW: Tastes like 3 packages of grape Kool-aid powder mixed with 16oz of Sprite and 4 pounds of sugar. Evidently this particular product example contains 4 times the strength of the "single size/single strength" product.

Dear Rockstar,

I am writing to inform you that your "70% Juice/100% Energy" beverage appears to be 70% too big for the supplied three spacial dimensions of our universe. This may be a safety hazard, and I am worried about the possible detrimental affects on my houseplants and future children. Please find a bigger reality for your product. Also, could you please send me a new stomach lining to replace the one that your product vaporized? I take men's size 4 or 4½ stomach linings.

Love,
Grant V Laine, Concerned Citizen.

Oooh, can someone make me a pie-chart of the advertised contents of Rockstar Juiced Guava Energy Drink? I wonder if that will melt Microsoft Excel.

Speaking of pie chart:

That is all. For accounting purposes I am going to consider this all to be one thing.

this is going to be one of those days, I can feel it

I think another glaring omission on the horrible blog post list thing is posts that reference inside jokes. Because really, who would want to read about someone's inside joke?

If you just predicted that I would now describe to you an inside joke, you just won Bac-Log's 2008 X-Treme Future-Prediction Contest™! Your prize is getting to keep reading! [All taxes on prizes and expenses relating to acceptance and use of prizes and not specified are the sole responsibility of winners. By participating, entrants (and entrants's parent/legal guardian/handler if winner is a tiger or bear) agree a) to these rules and decisions of Bac-Log which shall be final and binding in all respects and in all matters relating to this promotion; b) to release, discharge, indemnify and agree to hold harmless Bac-Log, its advertising and promotion agencies and all of their respective parents, affiliates, subsidiaries, agencies, homies, agents, and representatives and all of their respective employees, officers and iron-fisted lords of darkness (individually and collectively "Releasees") from any liability or responsibility whatsoever for any claims, costs, injuries, sandwiches, losses or damages (whether due to negligence or otherwise) of any kind (including, without limitation, claims, costs, injuries, sandwiches, losses and damages related to personal injuries, death, damage to, loss of or destruction of property, or rights of publicity or privacy), arising out of or in connection with the promotion or from their acceptance, possession, use or misuse of any prize, or participation in the promotion or any promotion related activity or travel related activity; and c) if a winner, by acceptance of prize, to the announcement/use of name, voice, image and/or likeness, at any time or times, for trade, advertising, publicity and promotional purposes without compensation (unless prohibited by law) by Bac-Log and those acting pursuant to Bac-Log's direction, in all media now known or hereafter discovered, worldwide, including but not limited to the World Wide Web and also that crazy dude at the bus stop, without notice, review or approval and agrees to execute specific consent to such use if asked to do so. In no event will Releasees be responsible or liable for any damages or losses of any kind, whether direct, indirect, incidental, consequential, punitive or other damages. Winner (and winner's parent/legal guardian/spider-god) will be required to complete an affidavit of eligibility, liability and (where legal) publicity release, which must be returned within time period specified by Bac-Log or prize may be forfeited. If any prizes or documents are returned as non-deliverable, or if a winner is found to be ineligible or not in compliance with these Official Rules, winner will be disqualified and prize forfeited and an alternate victim selected. If winner is not of the age of majority in his/her state of residence, prize may be awarded in the name of or to parent, legal guardian, or alien overlords (as solely determined by Bac-Log) who must execute all documents and agree to all undertakings of winner set forth in these Official Rules or prize may be forfeited. Releasees are not responsible and shall not be liable for: a) telephone, electronic, dolphin, hardware or software or program, network, or Internet or cabbage malfunction, or any communications accessibility, availability or lines, or technical errors of any kind or by any human error which may occur in the processing of entries, or the incorrect or inaccurate capture of entry or other information, or the failure to capture, or loss of, any such or similar information; b) failed, incomplete, run-on, poorly-formed, metaphorical, garbled, corrupted or delayed computer transmissions; c) lost, late, disheveled, misdirected, mutilated, incomplete, hungover, illegible entries or postage-due mail, entries or email; or d) any condition caused by events that may cause the promotion to be disrupted or corrupted. Bac-Log reserves the right in its sole discretion to cancel or suspend the promotion or any portion thereof should computer hardware or software malfunctions (such as but not limited to virus, bugs, worms, cat pictures, checking fantasy baseball scores instead of working, tampering, unauthorized intervention, fraud, technical failures) or any other causes corrupt the administration, security or proper play of the promotion, and select the winners from entries received prior to the action taken or in such other manner as deemed fair and appropriate by Bac-Log.. Cash value of prize is 1/16th of a frozen pizza, but only if it's still on sale at QFC.]

Okay, so the reason that I bring this up is that I just thought of something vaguely amusing (let's call it 0.2 Amusement Units) but which requires a complicated inside-joke backstory (65.8 Required Explanation Units.) You might be tempted to add these numbers together to create some sort of "where the hell is he going with this" sum, but you would be wrong because those units are not compatible (AU is metric). Geez, take some math, people.

ANYWAY: Here is the abridged minimum body of knowledge required for my forthcoming 0.2AU idea to make sense:

• Fact: you have a band called 12-Point Font Crayon.
• Fact: the band's slogan is "fuck the past. have some glitter"
• Fact: Before 12-Point Font Crayon was a band it was TV documentary miniseries about kids with OCD who were also really into typography.
• Fact: 12-Point Font Crayon's roadie can tell the future [Please notice that I already referenced future-telling above and include this in your notebook, "OBSERVATIONS OF BAC-LOG'S SUPERIOR SELF-REFERENTIAL EXCELLENCE AND ALSO SHOPPING LISTS, VOLUME 2"]
• Fact: In addition to tuning your standard guitars, banjos, and solar-powered theremins, my job as roadie also includes tuning the glitter cannons and bubble machines.
• Fact: Oh yeah, I forgot to say before that I am the roadie.
• Fact: That might be enough facts.
• Fact: Ok, so I guess the slogan and TV show facts above are not actually necessary for the advancement of the story, but I am going to include them as working examples of the "illusion of depth" literary device.
• Fact: I guess I just lied two facts ago.
• Fact: This is how you will introduce the band: "Hello Bristol! We are 12-Point Font Crayon! Have some glitter!" [pause for glitter cannoning] "Our roadie can tell the future!"
• Fact: You may substitute Bristol for another town if you decide to branch out from the local Bristol scene.

So anyway, now that you are up to speed, how awesome would it be if your band just wrapped up a set and exited the stage, and your future-telling roadie came out to start breaking down your equipment, and everyone started cheering wildly for your amazing future-telling roadie, but you thought they were cheering for you to play an encore, so you come back out your highly-competent roadie turns the bubble machine back on and exits the stage as per the Roadie Code, and then the crowd goes quiet because hey! Why did you make the future-telling roadie go away? And by "how awesome would it be", I mean for me, not for you.

Good thing I already know the answer. ZING!

That is all.

Bac-Log is not quite the worst blog ever... yet

My friend Heidi shared this lovely list from BoingBoing Gadgets of the Top 10 Worst Types of Blog Posts, with a simple note, "Grant, please review." If Bac-Log was not all about optimism and blind stubbornness, I might take this as a slight instead of a challenge. So far I think I have only really nailed the Image Macro example, although maybe if I change one of the lists of things that I ate to "top 10 things that I ate today" I can go ahead and cross that one off too. Do you think the beer hat quiz might count as "The Snark"? If so, hey! I'm up to 2½!

I am a little disappointed that "long and directionless rambling" is not one of the top-10, because I have that one nailed like a really nailed thing. Also I am a little disappointed that "lazy or pointless metaphor" didn't make it either. Bac-Log is clearly not optimized for this list.

Okay, so speaking of "nailed", does anyone else find it odd/awesome (oddsome) that we use such productive verbs for getting drunk? "Oh man, I got hammered yesterday" or "Did you see Kyle? He was plastered!" [this is also true, in case you are wondering]. I guess "trashed" isn't super-productive, but as any etymologist who happens to also be a habitual liar will tell you, "getting trashed" evolved linguistically from "getting trash-removed as part of a productive cleaning process." Strange but true [ed note: no]. Also, I imagine this will further evolve into "getting dump-runned", starting with me, probably immediately after work.

Anyway, if plastered and hammered are so universally accepted, perhaps it's not a stretch to think that one day crazy birthday celebrations will include "getting drywalled", or "getting laser-guided compound miter-sawed". Those will be the days we will be proud to tell our past selves about when we discover time travel.

Wait, does this post fit somewhere on the list? If not:

TOP 2 THINGS I HAVE EATEN TODAY:
1. coffee
2. more coffee

[desperate clawing] Bacon Links! [silence]

more animals

Peeps: My friend Colin pointed me towards this fascinating article on Salon about bacon jumping the shark [link]. It sums up my recent attitude about the explosion of bacon-related references in pop-culture, bacon-related products, and yes, crazy foods made with bacon. As a matter of fact, according to some statistical research that I just totally made up and will now lie to you about, the inflation of bacon references is of roughly the same magnitude as the Zimbabwean Dollar. Crazy, right? I know. Anyway, I guess my point is that there is just so much bacon-related stuff out there that wouldn't it be great if there were some dedicated blogs to this concept? Oh wait, there totally are. I found these blogs with 0% effort, leading me to think that there are probably infinite other bacon blogs too:

Skulls and Bacon
Theories of Bacon
Bacon Today
Teh SiBlog

Since they are obviously more dedicated to the aggregation of important and breaking bacon news, I will probably not be bombarding you with lists like this as much anymore:

Make your own bacon soap (yes, out of bacon fat!)
Another meat sneaker (Mmm hmm, here's the other)
garlic bacon green chili cheeseburger
Bacon-wrapped breakfast dog
In order to increase renown,
add “bacon” to most any noun.
Bacon flash drive with typical awesome BoingBoing Gadgets commentary
Chocolate-covered bacon (and another chocolate-covered bacon)
Hahahaha, Bacon vs Salt roller-derby FINALLY
Tastes of the portions of the swine
Bacon font for resumes and stuff
"Bacon is sex in a skillet"
Interpreting your bacon dreams
Every Monday All U Can Eat Bacon
Pig-shaped earbuds
Bacon tattoos
Baconhenge

HOWEVER, if I find something or somebody tells me about something that is awesome, I might do an actual dedicated post to it. Also, instead of completely killing the Bacon Links feature forever, I might randomly just do lists of other things instead.

Also: recent Bac-Log inactivity and lack of even Bac-Log levels of cohesion (~.001 cohesive units) is due to me working waaay too much. I appreciate your patience.

Thursday is WTF day

POP QUIZ:

Question:


a) No
b) No
c) At the hypothetical asymptotic limits of the Irony function f _i (x) as x-->∞ there may exist an infinitesimally small interval for which (X_a, X_b) = (X_a < "maybe" < X_b) is true No
d) I give up

But don't sweat the quiz too much, guys. Everything will be okay because you can upload an MP3 and this website will add Christopher Walken samples and cowbell to it. Here is Bookends by Simon & Garfunkel with 21% Cowbell factor and 72% Walken factor:

	Make your own at MoreCowbell.dj

Answer: wait, I hadn't finished answering the question yet

Dreams do come true.

This completes me.

QUIZ TIME

This week's quiz is a special survival skillz essay quiz. Bac-Log is all about being prepared.



Responses should be 100-250 words. NO CHEATING, OK!

Uh oh, FOOD LIST

Okay, so I found this list of 100 things that every omnivore should try, and usually I find these sort of lists vaguely entertaining but not really that applicable or exciting, but then I thought that I'd actually see how many of these I'd actually tried, and then I realized that I sort of wanted to try ALL of them, and so I got kind of excited about it. Also, being that it is a list of stuff I ate, it has a place here at Bac-Log.

Anyway, I think the rules are that I should bold the ones I've done and strike the ones I refuse to do, but this ends up looking sort of confusing in my opinion, so I think I'll just strike the ones I've already done so it will be like a checklist! Also, I am about 95% I've had maybe 20 more of these, but since I can't recall for sure I better play it safe and have them again!

The VGT Omnivore’s Hundred:

1. Venison
2. Nettle tea
3. Huevos rancheros
4. Steak tartare
5. Crocodile
6. Black pudding
7. Cheese fondue
8. Carp
9. Borscht
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Calamari
12. Pho
13. PB&J sandwich
14. Aloo gobi
15. Hot dog from a street cart
16. Epoisses
17. Black truffle
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes
19. Steamed pork buns
20. Pistachio ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes
22. Fresh wild berries
23. Foie gras
24. Rice and beans
25. Brawn, or head cheese
26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper
27. Dulce de leche
28. Oysters
29. Baklava
30. Bagna cauda
31. Wasabi peas
32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl
33. Salted lassi
34. Sauerkraut
35. Root beer float
36. Cognac with a fat cigar
37. Clotted cream tea
38. Vodka jelly/Jell-O
39. Gumbo
40. Oxtail
41. Curried goat
42. Whole insects
43. Phaal
44. Goat’s milk
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more
46. Fugu
47. Chicken tikka masala
48. Eel
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut
50. Sea urchin
51. Prickly pear
52. Umeboshi
53. Abalone
54. Paneer
55. McDonald’s Big Mac Meal
56. Spaetzle
57. Dirty gin martini
58. Beer above 8% ABV
59. Poutine
60. Carob chips
61. S’mores
62. Sweetbreads
63. Kaolin
64. Currywurst
65. Durian
66. Frogs’ legs
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake
68. Haggis
69. Fried plantain
70. Chitterlings, or andouillette
71. Gazpacho
72. Caviar and blini
73. Louche absinthe
74. Gjetost, or brunost
75. Roadkill
76. Baijiu
77. Hostess Fruit Pie
78. Snail
79. Lapsang souchong
80. Bellini
81. Tom yum
82. Eggs Benedict
83. Pocky
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant.
85. Kobe beef
86. Hare
87. Goulash
88. Flowers
89. Horse
90. Criollo chocolate
91. Spam
92. Soft shell crab
93. Rose harissa
94. Catfish
95. Mole poblano
96. Bagel and lox
97. Lobster Thermidor
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
100. Snake

Looks like I have a long way to go, but I think I'm up for this exciting journey.

choices

Okay, so in college I worked in the tiny "warehouse" of an upscale kitchen store. During the slow summer months, essentially our only responsibility was just to be there in case the store called and needed us to deliver some sort of expensive kitchen crap. Ordinarily I shared this rigorous duty with my coworker Jim, but for some reason Jim wasn't there one day, and so I was left to wait by the phone and read the Stranger and cut the roll of "laboratory glass" tape into "ass lab" sections on my own.

The warehouse was essentially a basement suite in an old retail building, so everything about it was sort of run-down and sketchy. For example, the flush linkage in the toilet kept breaking, and when we tried to fix it we ended up snapping off a couple links of the chain before we got it reattached, and the resulting extra tension on the float occasionally caused it to not seat properly, and the toilet would just run continuously. We got annoyed having to constantly fix this, so we tied some string to the chain so we could fiddle with it without removing the tank lid.

So during this rare solo-warehouse-operating day, I had to use the bathroom. (YES THIS IS IMPORTANT OR I WOULDN'T BRING IT UP, OK). I was just finishing up when I realized that we were out of toilet paper! I knew we had some more somewhere, but I didn't want to go exploring for it with my pants around my ankles, so I just decided to use some of the really thick industrial paper towels that we had in the pile of cleaning supplies. These worked great, and the thick, cloth-like texture was very pleasant, but these industrial-strength, heavy-duty cleaning towels do not dissolve at all in water! At that point I didn't have much choice, so I just went ahead and flushed and kept my fingers crossed.

Approximately half a second after flushing, two things happened simultaneously: 1.) toilet clogged. 2.) phone started ringing, signaling a call to my sole employee duty.

I was pretty sure as long as I didn't flush it again I was safe from overflow, but then I worried about the float getting stuck and the toilet just continuing to run, so I made the choice to preemptively jiggle the string before running to the phone. In retrospect, this action maybe did not make any mechanical sense, but at the time it seemed like a good idea. However, the pervasive sense of urgency due to the ringing and the rising water and all the caffeine I had consumed caused me to yank on the string a little harder than I should have. I felt it go slack on the first pull, indicating that I had actually pulled the chain off of the linkage, thereby ensuring that toilet would not stop running.

At this point I could either try to fix the linkage and hope that the toilet bowl would contain everything until I could take care of the clog later, or I could try to take care of the clog now and fix the linkage later. I opted for the clog angle because it seemed more rational, so I grabbed the plunger and was about to submerge it into the swelling mess when I noticed that I had dropped the stupid string into the toilet. In hindsight perhaps this was not actually a problem, but at the time it seemed super important to get the string out prior to plunging. I pulled it out but somehow ended up getting toilet water on my hands, so it was really gross in addition to wasting valuable de-clogging time. So I started plunging, but at this point the bowl was already really full and I couldn't get very good strokes in without splashing it everywhere. I worked at it for a few seconds before I had to accept the possibility that I would not solve this thing before overflow, and that maybe I should switch gears to focus on stopping it from filling.

I didn't want to set the tank cover on the ground in case of overflow, so I thought I'd try to balance it on top of the sink. I had no reason to ever notice this before, but the sink was set in a bracket on the wall, but was not actually attached to the bracket. The weight of the tank on the front of the sink caused the sink body to pop off of the bracket and was now supported precariously by only its own drain pipe and my body.

Oh, and in case you are interested, the phone had rung 7 or 8 times, then there was a pause, and then it had started ringing again.

So the toilet water was just about to crest, I hadn't yet figured out why the sink had fallen off into my arms, the phone kept ringing, I noticed that my afternoon reading material was right in front of the toilet, and at that moment I couldn't help but realize how much I missed Jim, and I wondered what he was up to, and if maybe he would want to come hang out sometime.

I shook myself back into action, figured out how to pop the sink back on the bracket, leaned the tank lid against the far wall away from the incoming toilet water, kicked the latest issue of the Stranger out of harm's way, fished for the loose chain in the tank, and miraculously managed to halt the incoming flow about a millimeter from the edge of the bowl. Temporary Victory!! I then heard the phone stop ringing and a long tone heralding an incoming fax, no doubt the next level of desperate persistence for my attention.

The fax was a hastily scrawled note from the store, which I will paraphrase as "GRANT: WHERE ARE YOU??? CALL THE STORE IMMEDIATELY!!!!!!!!". (In actuality there may have been more "!"s. I'm not kidding). So I called the store. One of the ladies at the store answered, "Oh good, it's finally you! [boss lady] wants to talk to you!" Then she gave the phone to [boss lady]. "GRANT! WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN, WHY DIDN'T YOU PICK UP?!"

I thought for a second about how I would explain why I didn't pick up the phone, but then I decided that it was all too complicated and so I just said "I was in the bathroom".

[boss lady] did not sound satisfied, but she huffily gave me to the other lady again who asked "how many boxes of melon ballers do we have there?" I replied, "um, two, I think," then the store lady replied, "oh good! That is enough," then I asked, "um, do you need any?". The store lady answered, "no, that's ok," then she paused for a second and asked, "so why didn't you answer the phone?" I sighed and replied, "I was in the bathroom." Then the store lady chuckled knowingly and gave the phone equivalent of a knowing wink, and I'm still not exactly sure what she meant by that.

ANYWAY: I bet you are wondering why I told you that story, huh? Well, today I was idly fiddling with a binder clip I had removed from a stack of important work documents, and this inevitably led to me attaching the binder clip to my soul patch hair. When I needed to re-clip my documents, I tried to remove the binder clip from its stylish location but realized that somehow some of my soul patch hair had gotten pinched in the inner workings. I tugged gently at it for a while, but it became clear that I would either need to just yank it off or go look in a mirror to see if I could figure out what was going on. I chose not to walk to the bathroom past my coworkers with a binder clip on my soul patch, so I sucked it up and ripped it of my chin. There must have been several hairs stuck, because MAN DID IT HURT SO BAD! So bad, in fact, that I yelped out loud.

"Are you okay?" My coworker asked.

"Um, yeah," I replied.

"What happened?"

So, much like my riveting tale of bathroom woes, I had a choice to make; do I try to explain the binder clip thing, or do I come up with something simpler? "I stubbed my toe," I replied.

"While sitting at your desk?"

"Um, yeah."

"How did you do that?"

"I, uh, I just, uh, I don't know."

"Suuure," he replied. Then he produced the EXACT same knowing chuckle and wink that the store lady had several years ago.

But seriously, though-- what did he think I was talking about?

Thursday is WTF day

In addition to needing gentle, soothing comfort for the What's The Baby Using thing, can someone help me out with this one:


I have been driving past this sign by my work for over a month now. I keep thinking that at some point I will figure it out, but maybe it is time to give up and admit I might just not be capable of basic billboard comprehension.

HEY GOLDFISH: Maybe you shouldn't worry so much about aggressive baserunning in this metaphorical baseball game and worry more about WHY YOU DON'T MAKE ANY SENSE. Also, so if the third base coach is the aquarium, what is the first base coach in this metaphor? Or, um, the manager. Or, um, scoring.

Maybe I could work for the Aquarium as a billboard consultant. Here is my resume:



Dear Seattle Aquarium:

Please send my checks ASAP. My student loans from University of YouMakeMyBrainSore are not cheap.

Love you always, Grant.

What's the baby using?

25? What? Who can tell me what the hell is going on with this:

http://whatsthebabyusing.com/
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xz3iDmJ6JQs
http://www.funadvice.com/q/what_s_the_baby_using
http://www.flickr.com/photos/paulandstorm/2785542859/in/photostream/
http://churchfun.com/2008/08/21/whats-the-baby-using-25/
http://apelad.blogspot.com/2008/09/laugh-out-loud-cats-25.html

Seriously, it is too early in the day for me to be freaking out. Usually I wait until there are more people around.