Sunday, March 9, 2008

NEW FEATURE: ultimate contribution to humanity

Immortality has long been sought to avoid the dark uncertainness of death; a way of imprinting a permanence of essence in the tactile plane of reality. To these ends medical science has made persistent, incremental advancements upon death's steely embrace (like vainly hitting the spacebar a couple of times inside life's parenthesis), and religion has stepped up to provide the consolation prize of a vague uncertain immortality of your soul (presumably this type of immortality does not include getting to annoy your still-alive friends and neighbors, which is why it is a second-rate type of immortality). Philosophy has pragmatically offered the suggestion that who cares about permanence, you'll be dead! The only proven method by which one may doubtlessly extend their influence beyond the grave is to produce works of enduring quality and relevance that will be permanent grooves in life's phonograph. Through the records of your deeds and the memories of others, you will live forever.

Behold: Immortality (AKA the bacon-shelled taco):



YES! To build a Baco, first have the shop guys at work fabricate a Baco mold out of industrial stainless steel:



Then you somehow convince your friends to let you come over and get bacon all over their stuff. Then you weave a bacon mat:



Then you borrow your friend's scissors and cut the mat into a circle:



Then you drape your beloved future heart attack over an aluminum foil-clad Baco mold, realize you made it too big, make a half-size bacon mat, realize the half-size one is too small, decide that life is too short for perfection and make them anyway:



Oh, and I forgot to mention that it is recommended that you be on at least your 4th beer by this point (I recommend Session Lager or Red Stripe because I am going through a stubby-beer-bottle phase right now). Next you sick your creation in a preheated 300deg oven, drink some more and watch the Muppet Show on DVD for a while, get impatient and turn up the oven to 400, have some more beer, and remove a taco-shaped, crisp section of heaven from the oven:



After basking in a column of light from heaven accompanied by choirs of angels celebrating your eternal bacony glory, it's time to fill up your Baco shells! Bacos SN#0000001 and SN#0000002 were both filled with iceberg lettuce, crumbled blue cheese, and more bacon:



Yeah, yeah you've already seen that picture, but I forgot to take a picture of the filled-up big one, so the little one has to do the work of two (there is probably a life lesson or inspirational fable here, which I might investigate later). Here is Baco the First inches from maiden voyage:



Pay special attention to how structurally sound the baco is! It actually might be more durable than actual hard-taco shells. Prepare for docking:



BACO IS DOCK-O! Its texture is the bastard children of forbidden love betwixt crunchy and chewy, and its taste is salty glory.

Next step is to make your attractive friends eat Bacos while you take unflattering photos of them with your crappy digital camera:







Ha ha ha ha, sorry guys! Don't worry, I'm sure the internet is paying more attention to the Baco anyway.

Next step is to forget what Kyle H (somehow not pictured with Baco) put in Baco SN#0000003.

Next step is to wake up with a wicked Baco hangover.

Next step is to use the internet to thank Courtney and Lisa for letting me get bacon all over their kitchen and arteries.

Hello Immorbaconality.

10 comments:

noisy penguin said...

How mortifyingly, artery-cloggingly awesome!

Also, Lorne bought four pounds of bacon at Costco. Our freezer is filled with bacon.

Courtney said...

You forgot 1 step in the process: Don't forget to line not only the Baco creator with aluminum foil, but also the tray. Baked Baco-grease is not easy to clean from pans....

Other than that, I am proud to call my apartment "Home of the Baco"

bdoepker said...

Am I happy to avoid baco infamy? Or am I jealous? I don't really know what to think ...

Although, to avoid lawsuits from similar named products, can I suggest that the name be spelled slightly differently, as a means to stress the proper pronunciation (note I have virtually no background in Spanish, so my suggestions are based purely on aesthetics):

Báco
or
Bãco

And upon thinking about it ... I throw my reservations to the wind. If you need a distributer in Sweden, count me in. They could put pickled herring, or meatballs or some shit in it.

Lisa said...

Artichokes. It was artichokes that went into Baco SN#0000003. You know, to make it a veggie Baco.

Grant said...

HA ha ha ha ha veggie baco!

Anonymous said...

Don’t believe one optimistic word from any public figure about the economy or humanity in general. They are all part of the problem. Its like a game of Monopoly. In America, the richest 1% now hold 1/2 OF ALL UNITED STATES WEALTH. Unlike ‘lesser’ estimates, this includes all stocks, bonds, cash, and material assets held by America’s richest 1%. Even that filthy pig Oprah acknowledged that it was at about 50% in 2006. Naturally, she put her own ‘humanitarian’ spin on it. Calling attention to her own ‘good will’. WHAT A DISGUSTING HYPOCRITE SLOB. THE RICHEST 1% HAVE LITERALLY MADE WORLD PROSPERITY ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE. Don’t fall for any of their ‘humanitarian’ CRAP. ITS A SHAM. THESE PEOPLE ARE CAUSING THE SAME PROBLEMS THEY PRETEND TO CARE ABOUT. Ask any professor of economics. Money does not grow on trees. The government can’t just print up more on a whim. At any given time, there is a relative limit to the wealth within ANY economy of ANY size. So when too much wealth accumulates at the top, the middle class slip further into debt and the lower class further into poverty. A similar rule applies worldwide. The world’s richest 1% now own over 40% of ALL WORLD WEALTH. This is EVEN AFTER you account for all of this ‘good will’ ‘humanitarian’ BS from celebrities and executives. ITS A SHAM. As they get richer and richer, less wealth is left circulating beneath them. This is the single greatest underlying cause for the current US recession. The middle class can no longer afford to sustain their share of the economy..... Their wealth has been gradually transfered to the richest 1%. One way or another, we suffer because of their incredible greed. We are talking about TRILLIONS of dollars. Transfered FROM US TO THEM. Over a period of about 27 years. Thats Reaganomics for you. The wealth does not ‘trickle down’ as we were told it would. It just accumulates at the top. Shrinking the middle class and expanding the lower class. Causing a domino effect of socio-economic problems. But the rich will never stop. They will never settle for a reasonable share of ANYTHING. They will do whatever it takes to get even richer. Leaving even less of the pie for the other 99% of us to share. At the same time, they throw back a few tax deductible crumbs and call themselves ‘humanitarians’. Cashing in on the PR and getting even richer the following year. IT CAN’T WORK THIS WAY. Their bogus efforts to make the world a better place can not possibly succeed. Any 'humanitarian' progress made in one area will be lost in another. EVERY SINGLE TIME. IT ABSOLUTELY CAN NOT WORK THIS WAY. This is going to end just like a game of Monopoly. The current US recession will drag on for years and lead into the worst US depression of all time. The richest 1% will live like royalty while the rest of us fight over jobs, food, and gasoline. Crime, poverty, and suicide will skyrocket. So don’t fall for all of this PR CRAP from Hollywood, Pro Sports, and Wall Street PIGS. ITS A SHAM. Remember: They are filthy rich EVEN AFTER their tax deductible contributions. Greedy pigs. Now, we are headed for the worst economic and cultural crisis of all time. SEND A “THANK YOU” NOTE TO YOUR FAVORITE MILLIONAIRE. ITS THEIR FAULT. I’m not discounting other factors like China, sub-prime, or gas prices. But all of those factors combined still pale in comparison to that HUGE transfer of wealth to the rich. Anyway, those other factors are all related and further aggrivated because of GREED. If it weren’t for the OBSCENE distribution of wealth within our country, there never would have been such a market for sub-prime to begin with. Which by the way, was another trick whipped up by greedy bankers and executives. IT MAKES THEM RICHER. The credit industry has been ENDORSED by people like Oprah, Ellen, Dr Phil, and many other celebrities. IT MAKES THEM RICHER. Now, there are commercial ties between nearly every industry and every public figure. IT MAKES THEM RICHER. So don’t fall for their ‘good will’ BS. ITS A LIE. If you fall for it, then you’re a fool.. If you see any real difference between the moral character of a celebrity, politician, attorney, or executive, then you’re a fool. WAKE UP PEOPLE. THEIR GOAL IS TO WIN THE GAME. The 1% club will always say or do whatever it takes to get as rich as possible. Without the slightest regard for anything or anyone but themselves. Reaganomics. Their idea. Loans from China.. Their idea. NAFTA. Their idea. Outsourcing. Their idea. Sub-prime. Their idea. The commercial lobbyist. Their idea. The multi-million dollar lawsuit.. Their idea. $200 cell phone bills. Their idea. $200 basketball shoes. Their idea. $30 late fees. Their idea. $30 NSF fees. Their idea. $20 DVDs. Their idea. Subliminal advertising. Their idea. Brainwash plots on TV. Their idea... Prozac, Zanex, Vioxx, and Celebrex. Their idea. The MASSIVE campaign to turn every American into a brainwashed, credit card, pharmaceutical, love-sick, couch potatoe, celebrity junkie. Their idea. All of the above shrink the middle class, concentrate the world’s wealth and resources, and wreak havok on society. All of which have been CREATED AND ENDORSED by celebrities, athletes, executives, entrepreneurs, attorneys, and politicians. IT MAKES THEM RICHER. So don’t fall for any of their ‘good will’ ‘humanitarian’ BS. ITS A SHAM. NOTHING BUT TAX DEDUCTIBLE PR CRAP.. In many cases, the 'charitable' contribution is almost entirely offset.. Not to mention the opportunity to plug their name, image, product, and 'good will' all at once. IT MAKES THEM RICHER. These filthy pigs even have the nerve to throw a fit and spin up a misleading defense with regard to 'tax revenue'. ITS A SHAM. THEY SCREWED UP THE EQUATION TO BEGIN WITH. ITS THEIR OWN DAMN FAULT. If the middle and lower classes had a greater share of the pie, they could easily cover a greater share of the federal tax revenue. They are held down in many ways because of greed. Wages remain stagnant for millions because the executives, celebrities, athletes, attorneys, and entrepreneurs, are paid millions. They over-sell, over-charge, under-pay, outsource, cut jobs, and benefits to increase their bottom line. As their profits rise, so do the stock values. Which are owned primarily by the richest 5%. As more United States wealth rises to the top, the middle and lower classes inevitably suffer. This reduces the potential tax reveue drawn from those brackets. At the same time, it wreaks havok on middle and lower class communities and increases the need for financial aid.. Not to mention the spike in crime because of it. There is a dominoe effect to consider. So when people forgive the rich for all of the above and then praise them for paying a greater share of the FEDERAL income taxes, its like nails on a chalk board. If these filthy pigs want to be over-paid, then they should be over-taxed as well. Remember: The richest 1% STILL own 1/2 of all United States wealth EVEN AFTER taxes, charity, and PR CRAP. A similar rule applies worldwide. There is nothing anyone can say to justify that. Anyway, there is usually a higher state and local burden on the middle class. They get little or nothing without a local tax increase. Otherwise, the red inks flows like a waterfall. Service cuts and lay-offs follow. Again, because of the OBSCENE distribution of bottom line wealth in this country. I can not accept any theory that our economy would suffer in any way with a more reasonable distribution of wealth. Afterall, it was more reasonable 30 years ago. Before Reaganomics came along. Before GREED became such an epidemic. Before we had an army of over-paid executives, celebrities, athletes, attorneys, investors, entrepreneurs, developers, and sold-out politicians to kiss their asses. As a nation, we were in much better shape. Lower crime rate, more widespread prosperity, stable job market, free and clear assets, lower deficit, ect. Our economy as a whole was much more stable and prosperous for the majority. WITHOUT LOANS FROM CHINA. Now, we have a more obscene distribution of bottom line wealth than ever before. We have a sold-out government, crumbling infrastructure, energy crisis, home forclosure epidemic, 13 figure national deficit, and 12 figure annual shortfall. ALL BECAUSE OF GREED. I really don't blame the 2nd -5th percentiles. No economy could ever function without some reasonable scale of personal wealth and income. But it can't be allowed to run wild like a mad dog. GREED KILLS. Bottom line: The richest 1% will soon tank the largest economy in the world. It will be like nothing we’ve ever seen before. and thats just the beginning. Greed will eventually tank every major economy in the world. Causing millions to suffer and die. Oprah, Angelina, Brad, Bono, and Bill are not part of the solution.. They are part of the problem. THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS A MULTI-MILLIONAIRE HUMANITARIAN. EXTREME WEALTH HAS MADE WORLD PROSPERITY ABSOLUTELY IMPOSSIBLE. WITHOUT WORLD PROSPERITY, THERE WILL NEVER BE WORLD PEACE OR ANYTHING EVEN CLOSE. GREED KILLS. IT WILL BE OUR DOWNFALL. Of course, the rich will throw a fit and call me a madman. Of course, their ignorant fans will do the same. You have to expect that. But I speak the truth. If you don’t believe me, then copy this entry and run it by any professor of economics or socio-economics. Then tell a friend. Call the local radio station. Re-post this entry or put it in your own words. Be one of the first to predict the worst economic and cultural crisis of all time and explain its cause. WE ARE IN BIG TROUBLE.

Grant said...

So I take it you like Bacos...

Brian said...

ummm I think the angry dude who very bravely ranted to us as "anonymous" clearly does not know the baco, for to know the baco is to know eternal happiness and contentment. Way too uptight...anyway, "anonymous" will probably be trying to sell us soft tabs of cialis in no time. He will never learn.

rita said...

weaving greed
amongst the Baco
clogs my heart

The Littlest Winslow said...

SO SEXY.