Another milestone DESTROYED

Hey dudes and chicks:

Apparently this is Bac-Log episode 200! [scattered awkward clapping].

Okay, fine. Have this instead:

CHAPTER THE ONETH:

Who wants to go see an exhilarating Seattle Mariners baseball squadron baseball game tomorrow (Tuesday) night? I have THREE FREE* TICKETS that do not include my own ONE FREE TICKET! Who wants to spend a beautiful spring evening making up inappropriate nicknames for the esteemed members of the opposing ballclub, the mildly detested but begrudgingly respected Tampa Bay Rays baseball squadron? And eating nachos? You know you want to. Bring it.

*While free in monetary terms, you will have to pretend to listen to me as I make up inappropriate nicknames for the opposing ballclub, the people around us in the stands, my friends, and probably myself.

Email me if you want to go. The seats are awesome, and even come with free parking passes.

UPDATE: Looks like I'm the middle of a Kyle sandwich with a side of Vik! Wait, eww.

CHAPTER TOOTH:

Because she lives 3000 miles away, coming up with a suitable selection of appropriate prizes for Sara's dominating slogan contest victory has been difficult, because I can't just make the prize poll consist of nothing but noogies of various durations. So I have had to settle for the following:

• Election as Bac-Log's Minister of Defense, Slogans, and Time Management. (Sara has proven that she can handle at least part of that job.)
• The subject of an epic poem and/or limerick!
• A custom T-shirt that reads "I won a custom t-shirt contest but all I got was this lousy custom t-shirt back".
• A one-week 5-day 2-day moratorium on making fun of her behind her back.
• A seven year old box of stuffing autographed by Heenkenstein, BRG, and I.
• A dramatic LEGO reenactment of what life was like when Sara and I were roommates in college.
• A poorly-photoshopped sparkly poster of Sara riding a unicorn or a dolphin or a unicorn dolphin or driving a barbie car with Robo-cop.
• A Dicks cheeseburger [this also counts as this post's inside joke].

Pretty awesome stuff, right? Now remember, Sara's prize will be determined by YOUR VOTE! VOTE ON THEM NOW AND TELL EVERYONE YOU KNOW TO VOTE. It is the only way we can ever hope to make this world a fair place.

CHAPTER LETTUCE:

Tougs and I had some Fun Dip on Saturday. That stuff is awesome! If only there was a way to use this blog to assign homework, the first assignment would be to enjoy some Fun Dip and vote on the prize poll and come over and ride Tinybike with me over some sweet jumps.

TODAY'S HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT:

• Enjoy some Fun Dip
• Vote on the prize poll
• Come over and ride Tinybike with me over some sweet jumps

You do care about your grades, right? Better get on this.

oh yeah... blogging

If you are wondering why I haven't posted anything since last Wednesday it is probably because of something you did. Way to ruin it for everyone.

Also I forgot.

But don't worry-- here is the exhaustive list of what happened in the last week:

• I ate a whole bunch of borscht.

Blogging is hard*.

You know what I think Bac-log needs right now (besides content)? Another contest! Everyone put your thinking hats and thinking scarves and thinking fingerless gloves on, because I feel a Contest Idea Contest coming on!

*super hard

Bac-Log is not quite the worst blog ever... yet

My friend Heidi shared this lovely list from BoingBoing Gadgets of the Top 10 Worst Types of Blog Posts, with a simple note, "Grant, please review." If Bac-Log was not all about optimism and blind stubbornness, I might take this as a slight instead of a challenge. So far I think I have only really nailed the Image Macro example, although maybe if I change one of the lists of things that I ate to "top 10 things that I ate today" I can go ahead and cross that one off too. Do you think the beer hat quiz might count as "The Snark"? If so, hey! I'm up to 2½!

I am a little disappointed that "long and directionless rambling" is not one of the top-10, because I have that one nailed like a really nailed thing. Also I am a little disappointed that "lazy or pointless metaphor" didn't make it either. Bac-Log is clearly not optimized for this list.

Okay, so speaking of "nailed", does anyone else find it odd/awesome (oddsome) that we use such productive verbs for getting drunk? "Oh man, I got hammered yesterday" or "Did you see Kyle? He was plastered!" [this is also true, in case you are wondering]. I guess "trashed" isn't super-productive, but as any etymologist who happens to also be a habitual liar will tell you, "getting trashed" evolved linguistically from "getting trash-removed as part of a productive cleaning process." Strange but true [ed note: no]. Also, I imagine this will further evolve into "getting dump-runned", starting with me, probably immediately after work.

Anyway, if plastered and hammered are so universally accepted, perhaps it's not a stretch to think that one day crazy birthday celebrations will include "getting drywalled", or "getting laser-guided compound miter-sawed". Those will be the days we will be proud to tell our past selves about when we discover time travel.

Wait, does this post fit somewhere on the list? If not:

TOP 2 THINGS I HAVE EATEN TODAY:
1. coffee
2. more coffee

Uh oh, FOOD LIST

Okay, so I found this list of 100 things that every omnivore should try, and usually I find these sort of lists vaguely entertaining but not really that applicable or exciting, but then I thought that I'd actually see how many of these I'd actually tried, and then I realized that I sort of wanted to try ALL of them, and so I got kind of excited about it. Also, being that it is a list of stuff I ate, it has a place here at Bac-Log.

Anyway, I think the rules are that I should bold the ones I've done and strike the ones I refuse to do, but this ends up looking sort of confusing in my opinion, so I think I'll just strike the ones I've already done so it will be like a checklist! Also, I am about 95% I've had maybe 20 more of these, but since I can't recall for sure I better play it safe and have them again!

The VGT Omnivore’s Hundred:

1. Venison
2. Nettle tea
3. Huevos rancheros
4. Steak tartare
5. Crocodile
6. Black pudding
7. Cheese fondue
8. Carp
9. Borscht
10. Baba ghanoush
11. Calamari
12. Pho
13. PB&J sandwich
14. Aloo gobi
15. Hot dog from a street cart
16. Epoisses
17. Black truffle
18. Fruit wine made from something other than grapes
19. Steamed pork buns
20. Pistachio ice cream
21. Heirloom tomatoes
22. Fresh wild berries
23. Foie gras
24. Rice and beans
25. Brawn, or head cheese
26. Raw Scotch Bonnet pepper
27. Dulce de leche
28. Oysters
29. Baklava
30. Bagna cauda
31. Wasabi peas
32. Clam chowder in a sourdough bowl
33. Salted lassi
34. Sauerkraut
35. Root beer float
36. Cognac with a fat cigar
37. Clotted cream tea
38. Vodka jelly/Jell-O
39. Gumbo
40. Oxtail
41. Curried goat
42. Whole insects
43. Phaal
44. Goat’s milk
45. Malt whisky from a bottle worth £60/$120 or more
46. Fugu
47. Chicken tikka masala
48. Eel
49. Krispy Kreme original glazed doughnut
50. Sea urchin
51. Prickly pear
52. Umeboshi
53. Abalone
54. Paneer
55. McDonald’s Big Mac Meal
56. Spaetzle
57. Dirty gin martini
58. Beer above 8% ABV
59. Poutine
60. Carob chips
61. S’mores
62. Sweetbreads
63. Kaolin
64. Currywurst
65. Durian
66. Frogs’ legs
67. Beignets, churros, elephant ears or funnel cake
68. Haggis
69. Fried plantain
70. Chitterlings, or andouillette
71. Gazpacho
72. Caviar and blini
73. Louche absinthe
74. Gjetost, or brunost
75. Roadkill
76. Baijiu
77. Hostess Fruit Pie
78. Snail
79. Lapsang souchong
80. Bellini
81. Tom yum
82. Eggs Benedict
83. Pocky
84. Tasting menu at a three-Michelin-star restaurant.
85. Kobe beef
86. Hare
87. Goulash
88. Flowers
89. Horse
90. Criollo chocolate
91. Spam
92. Soft shell crab
93. Rose harissa
94. Catfish
95. Mole poblano
96. Bagel and lox
97. Lobster Thermidor
98. Polenta
99. Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee
100. Snake

Looks like I have a long way to go, but I think I'm up for this exciting journey.

uh oh, baseball post

Okay, so as you may have noticed, I have been slacking a bit recently on my mission of dispensing glistening rubies of wit and thoughtful debate through the diamond-encrusted pipeline of the Bac-Log bloggy blogblog machine. This is because the diamond-encrusted pipeline has become clogged with a couple of over-ambitious, um, giant rubies. Or maybe the diamond-encrusted pipeline is suffering from dangerously high emerald cholesterol, so that even normal-sized rubies are putting unhealthy strain on the silver-with-tasteful-gold-inlay idea pump.

One day I am going to write an epic story about a dude who gets hopelessly lost in his own metaphors. I am going to call it "Bac-Log", and it will be disguised as a blog. The story ends with a self-referential aside in the middle of a baseball post. And everyone lives happily ever after. Also, there will be a list of all of the food that I ate this morning. And it will cleverly set up a franchise of successful sequels, including Miss Congeniality/Back to the Future cross-over fan fiction.

Anyway, here's a list of what I've eaten so far today:
10 candy canes
3 cups of coffee

Okay, BASEBALL!

The best baseball blog of all time was BatGirl, which is tragically now defunct due to the author popping out a kid. Probally the greatest contribution to society that Bat Girl made during her shining blogging years was introducing the concept of Nonsexual Man-Crushes (see here for ultimate NSMC victory) to the baseball-loving population. At long last, my confusing feelings for Danny Haren were legitimized!

Unfortunately, Danny Haren is now my estranged ex-mancrush because my friend Neil owns him in our super-intense fantasy baseball league, and I have diligently trained myself to hate all opposing players (with the exception of James Shields, who I find worthy of forbidden mancrush wuv, and also he looks sort of like Abe Lincoln. Hating James Shields is like hating America.) Every once in a while, Neil will rub it in that Danny Haren is with him now, and that really he has had his best years with him, and aren't I jealous? [ed note: I hate you, Neil]. The worst part of this whole thing is that Neil is totally mancrush cheating on Danny Haren by having a mancrush affair with Little Timmy Lincecum! You dog! This face is at least 10 years away from being able to grow the kind of rugged, untamed facial hair that Danny Haren was probably born with:

You are a sick old man, Neil.

Unlike some people (NEIL), I am mancrush-monogamous (well, with the exception of Abe Shields, but he's on Dr. Lorneypant's team, so it's like having a harmless crush on a movie star. DOESN'T COUNT.) My current mancrush is the studly closer for the KC Royals, Joakim Soria. In addition to being the badass-est pitcher EVER, with a pitch Kyle and I named "crazy loopy pitch", he also has the best nickname of all time, The Mexicutioner. Here is a poster for The Mexicutioner:

He is the best mancrush of all time. I wuv you, Joakim Soria. The Mexicutioner is totally repaying my wuv by propelling BattlestarGrantica to a tenuous perch atop the Northwest Drunken Fan League standings.

Take THAT, Neil.

Also, your dangerous mancrush love-triangle will probably be a major plot point in my forthcoming Miss Congeniality/Back to the Future cross-over fan fiction. I don't want to spoil the ending before I have a chance to actually write it, but you can expect to die pinned between a fashion runway and a steaming DeLorean in the year 2085 somewhere around page 3. Also, it will explore the alternate timeline in which I don't expose Danny Haren to the waiver-wire early in the 2006 season.

[ed note: that was some good blog trash-talking. reward yourself with another candy cane.]

[ed note: thanks, I will!]

UPDATE: also, my fan fiction will explore the possibility that Doc Brown and Captain Kirk's character in Miss Congeniality are long lost siblings!! Prepare for the Awesoming!

birthday retrospective

Here's what I consumed on Saturday, as far as I can remember:

Donut
Cupcake
1 tallboy of PBR
handful of pretzels
4 bottles of random beer during X-Treme fantasy baseball draft
pulled pork sandwich
Pint of Bitburger Pilsner
1 tallboy of Rainier
Delicious cake that Courtney made
2 "chocolate cake" shots, which despite people's overwhelming skepticism, really does taste EXACTLY LIKE CHOCOLATE CAKE! And no, I have no idea what's in it, or why it comes with a lemon.
1 shot of tequila (heralding the "downhill" portion of the evening)
2 Irish car bombs (a.k.a Grant's new mortal enemy)
Half of an Irish whiskey which Faye mercifully finished off.

BEST BIRTHDAY EVER. Thanks to everyone who contributed food and drink to my cause. It was a good day (cue Ice Cube's 'It was a good day'). Of course, Sunday was not-so-good of a day (cue me repeatedly moaning 'I wish I was dead'), but I made it through alive thanks to Tricia's Magical Hangover Pancakes.

Also, while I'm pretty sure I remember everything, some events are just now starting to come into focus, like the cab ride home from a dude who couldn't take credit cards (wtf?) so we just gave him the $6 we had and stiffed him the rest (sorry credit-card-machine-less dude! Just so we're clear, that's your bad). But we did accidentally leave him a chunk of wood we were carrying around for some reason (the roving bands of Scandinavians and yuppies in Ballard can be pretty rough, you know) so I figure that counts as tip.

Ahhh, [partial] Memories!

NEW FEATURE: food coma

This is what is going through my brain right now: "uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhh.... uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhh... sooooooo... fuuuuullll". This is also what I just told my coworker.

On the plus side, I get the satisfaction of knowing that I just ate an entire chicken over a 24 hour period. And a bunch of valentine heart candies. Life is pretty good, except for the stomach pain and the sleepiness.

NEW FEATURE: regret

Man, I totally meant to take pictures of the awesome spread from yesterday's Superbowl party, but FAILED. *SIGH*. So instead I will have to recreate the majesty from memory, which was gradually saturated with 4 or 5 beers.

• Kyle H and Meghan provided many-layered dip (it may have been 9-layered if he took my advice to include a layer of tears).
• Kyle S provided the best fucking chili I've ever had.
• Courtney provided the majestic bacon-wrapped lil' smokies.
• Vikram made some awesome nachos.
• Lisa made some awesome fried eggplant and some delicious chicken stuff.
• Brian G rolled with some kick-ass spanish rice.
• I don't really remember what Adrienne and Reid brought, but it was probably delicious.
• Julie stopped by just long enough to deposit some chocolate-covered rice treats that I totally binged on something horrible.
• Who made that chive-y artichoke dip in the breadbowl? That was freaking delicious.
• I think Other Brian brought the seasoned french-bread stuff, which was awesome. Or maybe that was what Reid and Adrienne brought, and Other Brian brought the chicken stuff? Who knows. All I know is that there was not enough room in my stomach.
• And I brought a plate of brownies, of which I tested many before contributing.

All in all, it was AWESOME. I probably ate too much bread with the artichoke spread and lil' smokies which led to inefficiency with the other items, but I got a taste of everything at least. I could really go for another shot at that awesome Texas chili and some more of BRG's spanish rice right about now. Also, I just couldn't stop eating those chocolate covered rice krispy treats.

Also, I had a go at this beer called Miller Chill, which has a lime-y taste built in:

Also it is apparently "Chelada-style", and I have no idea what that means. Is it like some sort of enchilada? What the hell? Even after 4 Rainier's it was a little much at first, but toward the end I think I started to warm up to it. I felt I had to try it in order to continue my fun-making of those others who were drinking it.

There should be a Superbowl food party EVERY SUNDAY.

What I ate yesterday

Alright, too sleepy to think. That means another exciting episode of Retroactive Blogging About Things I ate!

Here's what I ate yesterday, in order:

hardboiled egg
1 cup coffee
apple
2 cups coffee
5 peppermints
1 slice of cold pizza
ramen
1 cup coffee
2 handfuls of tortilla chips with salsa
1 glass chocolate milk
1 quart of badly freezer-burned cool whip

Ha ha ha ha ha I have the best diet EVER.

ANOTHER NEW FEATURE!

YES! Another new feature, this new feature is called "blog padding", and it is similar to "Retroactive Blogging About Things I Ate" in that it is exactly the same!

This is what I ate on Sunday, in order:
1/2 cup coffee
1 bag of microwave popcorn
1/2 cup coffee
1 little orange thingy (perhaps a mandarine)
2 cups coffee
1 handful of hard candy I nicked from my coworker's desk because he wasn't around
1 pack of Top Ramen
1 can of chili

This is more typical of my standard routine, except for the microwave popcorn, which I can only eat at work because I don't have a microwave at home.

NEW FEATURE!!1!

and by "NEW FEATURE!!1!", I mean "THE ONLY FEATURE". This new feature is designed to get this blog up and running. This feature is called Retroactive Blogging About Things I Ate. Here's how it works:

Yesterday I ate (in order):
2 cups of coffee
3 peppermints
1 cup of coffee
3/4 of a sandwich
1 cup of coffee
1 bag of Skittles
1 of those Air-head rubbery candy strips
1 bowl of salad
1 tallboy of PBR

It was truly a candy-centric day.