Monday, November 3, 2008

Apparently we are getting a new president

When in the deeps of time I took upon myself the ancient and powerful mantle of "lazy and directionless blogger", I made a personal pledge to keep my bloggy tome free of certain subjects. It's not that I don't have strong feelings about these subjects; rather it is a reflection of my personal belief that my greatest instrument of change is through example (be the change you want to see in the world). There are very few people who have the charisma and sheer depth and scope of absolute knowledge to force their views onto someone who is not ready or willing to change their minds. I am certainly not one of these people. I like to think that my personal philosophical platform is extremely rational and non-threatening, and that I can affect change in my own way, but rationality has little effect against the walls of stubborness that spring up when certain subjects are broached. Plus, I feel that the most important blog in the history of time should be an open and safe environment for all visitors. Bac-log is all about inclusionism. These subjects that I swore to banish forever from the hallowed pages of the great and ancient Bac-Logia are, of course, Politics, Religion, and Celebrity Gossip.

All that being said, In case you haven't heard, we are finally getting a new president! Whichever candidacy wins the general election tomorrow, be it either the refreshing and pride-inducing voice of change and reason or the ticket that may as well have been cast for a reality TV show, the real winners will be the American people. Of course, there are different levels of winning, and I would personally prefer to win the $1,000,000 instead of the free 20oz Coke, but I'll be happier with either than nothing, which is what we have now. (To maintain my unbiased reporting of this political event, I will not tell you which candidate is the 20oz coke and which is the million bucks.)

Okay, so how is it that, as far as I can tell, nobody has artistically rendered GObama as that one GoBot that was made of the 6 other GoBots, except in this case it would be a super badass presidential candidate made out of 6 other super badass presidential candidates, each one of which is powerful in their own way but an unstoppable force for good when combined? I mean that in an unbiased way, of course.

Anyway, the reason that I bring this up is because I just found out a couple of hours ago that I will be witnessing the unfolding of this epic historical turning point from Alaska. You probably know Alaska as that state what can see Russia, but you may be STUNNED to hear that it is also governed by a certain VP candidate! (Let's call her Sarah P. No, that's too obvious. We will call her S. Palin.) As you may imagine, most polls are predicting that this state will selflessly offer its 3 small but courageous electoral votes to the iron will of SP's ticket.

I'm bummed that I am going to miss what I'm sure will be a boozy haze followed by SCENE MISSING at Perrywinkle and Stueck's election party tomorrow, but I have obviously been chosen for a task of far greater importance than converting half-racks of PBR into urine (I'll have to make it up by working harder on the weekends I guess). Why do I think this? Well, take this short summary of JRR Tolkien's classic The Lord of the Rings:

At the turn of the tide of history, a quiet but brave hero undertakes a desperate journey into the heart of the Enemy's realm to destroy an object of power with which the Enemy will enslave the world. Also, some other dude becomes king and restores a fading world to its former glory.

What I think this is telling me is that I must travel alone with only my trusty servant (iPod) to the Land of the Enemy (Alaska) to destroy some sort of object of power by casting it in the Cracks of Doom (Gulf of Alaska). Only by defeating the Dark Lord (Palin) of the Dark Tower (Wasilla) can the king (Obama) return to restore the fading world to its former glory (pre-Bush). [In case you are interested in extending this metaphor, please note that Morgoth represents McCain, Gollum represents my self-doubt, and that Gandalf is not present for my quest represents the fact that I will not get iPhone reception in the Aleutians]. I mean this all in an unbiased way, of course.

I'm not sure what the evil object of power is yet, so my current plan is to save the world by hurling an onion ring into the Gulf of Alaska unless someone can suggest something better. Also, the homoerotic bed reunion scene from the movie version will have to wait to be played out until I return [which is to say, SLO-MO PILLOW FIGHT GRANT'S PLACE THURSDAY YOU ARE ALL INVITED].

Anyway, you should all vote tomorrow.

[also: if you are a California voter and are undecided about the proposition to change the state constitution to actively remove legal rights, protections, and freedoms from California citizens, please consider that a mistake that causes harm is worse than a mistake that fails to do good. Please just choose to leave people with their freedom and rights until you decide one way or the other.]


Brian said...

Good Luck Frodo/Grant. I suggest throwing a DVD of the movie Maverick into the chilly depths of the Gulf of Alaska. Whatever you do bring us back some pictures.

bdoepker said...

If you think Alaska is a remote place to watch the returns, try Sweden. At least you might get to sleep in a timely manner.

Kyle said...

Did you notice that America is also getting a puppy as a result of the election? Man, can you imagine how disappointed the Obama girls would have been if their dad had lost the election AND they didn't get a puppy?