past A-Rod just ruined future Christmas for everyone

Okay, so apparently Alex Rodriguez, a baseball player for the New York Yankees baseball squadron of Major League Baseball, took illegal baseball steroids in 2003 and is now RUINING THE ENTIRE 2009 BASEBALL SEASON FOR EVERYONE. Amazing! In addition to being an elite baseball player, A-Roid also invented time travel, and then used his new and limitless power for evil! If only the press would have been nicer to him, and people would have loved him more, maybe he would not have had to do this to us. We dug our own graves when we accidentally called him "ass-rod" six years ago, and then accidentally kept calling him "ass-rod". And by "dug our own graves" I mean "dug graves for our childlike wonder and enjoyment for watching baseball for the entire 2009 baseball season".

Alex Rodriguez is now batting 1.000/1.000/4.000 with RISP in situations where he can RUIN THE FUTURE, which is why he is "Mr. Clutch".

RELATED:
Here is a sample 2-year curriculum for becoming a baseball writer:
Year 1 Q1:
5cr: Overreacting 101
5cr: Exaggerating 101
5cr: Nostaglia applications 110
15 credits total

Year 1 Q2:
5cr: Overreacting 102
5cr: Exaggerating 102
5cr: Hating statistics 200
15 credits total

Year 1 Q3:
5cr: Overreacting 103
5cr: Exaggerating 103
5cr: Substituting "grittiness" for talent when evaluating baseball players that you like but who suck at the game of baseball 101
15 credits total

Year 2 Q1:
5cr: Sucking up 101
4cr: Sucking 300
3cr: Chemistry 101
3cr: Team chemistry 300
15 credits total

Year 2 Q2:
5cr: Overreacting and Exaggerating 401
3cr: Loving Sammy Sosa then Hating Sammy Sosa then Forgetting About Sammy Sosa 200
3cr: Baseball as a metaphor for Life 301
4cr: Choosing unflattering photos to accompany slanderous articles 101
15 credits total

Year 2 Q3:
5cr: Memorizing old baseball players other people seem to like 300
5cr: Quantum Mechanics 407
3cr: Baseball as a metaphor for Life 302
2cr: Smugness 101
15 credits total

90 total credits required for graduation

NEW FEATURE: misuse of blog

People:

Anyone want to go see tonight's Mariners game against the hated division rivals, the Los Angeles California Angels of Anaheim California, a game that has absolutely zero impact or importance? I have an extra ticket because Patron Saint has to work late or something.

Pros:

• getting to hang out with Me, BRG, and Rachel
• awesome seats right behind the visitor's dugout, so we can yell stuff at the opposing players
• you will get to learn all about our fantasy baseball league (exciting!!) because BRG and I are duking it out for the top spot, and also the starting pitcher for the Angels is on my team.
• Because of this you will probably learn all sorts of new words and phrases that you can feel free to use at home and work.
  
• free!

Cons:

• how about you read the Pros again. THERE ARE NO CONS HERE

Let me know! Game starts at 7. We will be pre-drinking at Hooverville. YOU DON'T WANT TO MISS THIS!! [hint: this is true]

UPDATE: File this under "Pros": I will also regale you with the scintillating tale of the real-life hobo that I met on Saturday while he was looking for the trainyard! [disclaimer: Vik, Kyle S, and Lisa were not nearly as impressed by this tale as I thought they should be, but maybe it's because they were just jealous]

uh oh, baseball post

Okay, so as you may have noticed, I have been slacking a bit recently on my mission of dispensing glistening rubies of wit and thoughtful debate through the diamond-encrusted pipeline of the Bac-Log bloggy blogblog machine. This is because the diamond-encrusted pipeline has become clogged with a couple of over-ambitious, um, giant rubies. Or maybe the diamond-encrusted pipeline is suffering from dangerously high emerald cholesterol, so that even normal-sized rubies are putting unhealthy strain on the silver-with-tasteful-gold-inlay idea pump.

One day I am going to write an epic story about a dude who gets hopelessly lost in his own metaphors. I am going to call it "Bac-Log", and it will be disguised as a blog. The story ends with a self-referential aside in the middle of a baseball post. And everyone lives happily ever after. Also, there will be a list of all of the food that I ate this morning. And it will cleverly set up a franchise of successful sequels, including Miss Congeniality/Back to the Future cross-over fan fiction.

Anyway, here's a list of what I've eaten so far today:
10 candy canes
3 cups of coffee

Okay, BASEBALL!

The best baseball blog of all time was BatGirl, which is tragically now defunct due to the author popping out a kid. Probally the greatest contribution to society that Bat Girl made during her shining blogging years was introducing the concept of Nonsexual Man-Crushes (see here for ultimate NSMC victory) to the baseball-loving population. At long last, my confusing feelings for Danny Haren were legitimized!

Unfortunately, Danny Haren is now my estranged ex-mancrush because my friend Neil owns him in our super-intense fantasy baseball league, and I have diligently trained myself to hate all opposing players (with the exception of James Shields, who I find worthy of forbidden mancrush wuv, and also he looks sort of like Abe Lincoln. Hating James Shields is like hating America.) Every once in a while, Neil will rub it in that Danny Haren is with him now, and that really he has had his best years with him, and aren't I jealous? [ed note: I hate you, Neil]. The worst part of this whole thing is that Neil is totally mancrush cheating on Danny Haren by having a mancrush affair with Little Timmy Lincecum! You dog! This face is at least 10 years away from being able to grow the kind of rugged, untamed facial hair that Danny Haren was probably born with:

You are a sick old man, Neil.

Unlike some people (NEIL), I am mancrush-monogamous (well, with the exception of Abe Shields, but he's on Dr. Lorneypant's team, so it's like having a harmless crush on a movie star. DOESN'T COUNT.) My current mancrush is the studly closer for the KC Royals, Joakim Soria. In addition to being the badass-est pitcher EVER, with a pitch Kyle and I named "crazy loopy pitch", he also has the best nickname of all time, The Mexicutioner. Here is a poster for The Mexicutioner:

He is the best mancrush of all time. I wuv you, Joakim Soria. The Mexicutioner is totally repaying my wuv by propelling BattlestarGrantica to a tenuous perch atop the Northwest Drunken Fan League standings.

Take THAT, Neil.

Also, your dangerous mancrush love-triangle will probably be a major plot point in my forthcoming Miss Congeniality/Back to the Future cross-over fan fiction. I don't want to spoil the ending before I have a chance to actually write it, but you can expect to die pinned between a fashion runway and a steaming DeLorean in the year 2085 somewhere around page 3. Also, it will explore the alternate timeline in which I don't expose Danny Haren to the waiver-wire early in the 2006 season.

[ed note: that was some good blog trash-talking. reward yourself with another candy cane.]

[ed note: thanks, I will!]

UPDATE: also, my fan fiction will explore the possibility that Doc Brown and Captain Kirk's character in Miss Congeniality are long lost siblings!! Prepare for the Awesoming!