GRATITUDE: mysterious poker night gremlins

Those of you who know me well would probably describe me as "a shining example of non-stop refinement and class", or maybe "humble". I am sad to have to burst this bubble and tarnish my pristine image, but it is necessary for me to relate an embarrassing epilogue chapter of my super-exciting Monday update in order to distribute proper gratitude and credit for an amazing poker night miracle.

To preface: Some of the gang and I deployed the highly sought-after and legendary EPIC HAPPY HOUR on Friday, which lived up to its name. Indeed, we accomplished the one concrete goal that we had set for ourselves (because setting goals is an important part of personal development), which was to get kicked out of The Sloop. Victory! Afterward, I decided that I desperately needed a victory hot dog from a street vendor, so I made the choice to undertake the long and dangerous journey back toward my home, which would take me past the hot dog dude on Ballard Ave, instead of crashing at Heenkenstein's pad which was nigh at hand. Victory Hot Dog was a huge personal success, but it also put me home extremely late.

The next day, Dread Pirate Colins calls and wakes me up because his car battery is dead and he needs a jump so he can make it to basketball. Under ordinary circumstances this would not be a problem, but I had abandoned my car in Fremont at the outset of EPIC HAPPY HOUR the day before. My rough plan, originally, was to somehow get to basketball and afterward bum a ride to my car. Anyway, taking pity on Dread Pirate Colins' situation, I decide to get my car beforehand instead, and since it was sunny out, I decide that I should jog to my car. Well, where I had parked in Fremont ended up being a lot further away than I envisioned, so I ended up being pretty beat by the time I got to my trusty steed and galloped triumphantly to DPC's aid. And then we played basketball.

Between the lack of sleep, running, sunshine, and basketball, I started to fade at 5ish or so, but a bunch of dudes were coming over to play poker at 7, so I powered through (because I'm a superstar) (no). ANYWAY, the point is, I was sleepy, and then poker night happened.

Okay, so poker night was fun and awesome and filled with pizza and beer, as poker nights are want to do, but at some point around midnight I noticed that I was no longer making decisions based on what cards I was dealt. Every once in a while, I would realize people were looking at me, and this was my cue to do something with my chips. I think I went all-in against Apollo, like, eight times, for no reason other than it didn't seem like anyone else was going to go all-in against Apollo randomly that hand. I was truly a poker god on Saturday.

I eventually decided to retire my god-like poker skillz to give the others a fighting chance at glory, and also because I was out of money. I left the game and sat down on my couch to converse with Taco about the finer points of something (maybe food? whatever it was, I USED MY WORDS GOOD). Probably mid-conversation I decided to rest my eyes.

[SCENE MISSING]

I awoke sitting up in the middle seat of my couch, still clutching a half-finished beer, mouth agape as if with an unfinished word. It was dark. My stereo was turned off. The poker chips were all put away. Most of the empties were consolidated by the sink. The pizza boxes were gone. The table was cleared off. The front door was closed. In other words, A MIRACLE HAD HAPPENED.

Okay, so Heenkenstein and Jason had left before I had fallen asleep, but PIPS, Taco, Apollo, Borujewkksiehcisoew, Dread Pirate Colins, Hobo, and Steueueueck were all still around the last time I was conscious. DPC and Hobo are probably the loudest people I know, and there was music playing, and all of the lights were on, and I still just don't see any way someone could fall asleep while sitting up in those conditions.

Regardless, it seems clear that the dudes must have eaten something after midnight and transformed into adorable and courteous little cleaning gremlins, who silently swarmed over my apartment with their magic wands of cleaning and restoration. I have to give it to you guys: You are the awesomest poker night gremlins EVER. I totally owe you all a late-night tidying-up while you're asleep.

Also, someone left a food bank challenge cookbook. (?)

UPDATE: Hahaha, I just remembered that in addition to everything being clean and turned off, someone also left a slice of pizza on a plate in front of me, and a $1 bill next to me on the couch, perhaps as a tip for being such a great poker host. You're welcome. Also, YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST.

This is Bac-Log

People:

Instead of typing the 1007 words it would take to describe how pleased and grateful I am for all of the precious dollops of Guest Blogginess that Bac-Log poured carefully into the 'tubes over this last week, I took a picture (worth 1000 words) and added 7 more words out of pocket to cover the balance:


Guest Bloggers, you are Glory. You are Bac-Log.

Also, I think Guest Blogging will become a semi-regular feature, so do not let those harrowing tales of mystery and suspense and unexpected romance die trapped within you! Set them free to roam in the wide fields of Bac-Log.

Thank you, and good morning.

[ed note: Wait, good morning does not really work as a sign-off, does it?]

Thank you, and good fake-evening.

NEW FEATURE: how about YOU write the freaking blog

Good afternoon:

Here is a graph of Bac-Log posts per month, with August prorated for the full month:

The right side of the graph is completely unacceptable. Please compare to this graph of target posts per month:

This volume increase may seem drastic, but I have determined by using, um, REALLY HARD MATH OKAY, that such aggressive growth is necessary to produce this schedule of projected income:

I think a good rule of thumb for burgeoning financial behemoths such as Bac-Log is to identify and focus on target customers to maximize profits. For example, I plan on generating the aforementioned income by focusing intently on the demographic of people who might have some extra change who are waiting at the stoplight to turn left on NW Dravus St. from 15th Ave NW, and who are easily discomfited by uncomfortable staring and inane babble. (Also I will have a kick-ass cardboard sign that reads "GOOBLES?")

ANYWAY, I guess what I'm trying to say here is that OH MAN AM I WAAAY BEHIND. I have actually been under a great deal of stress lately, both work related and of personal matters, and also I have been fighting a tenacious case of gastroenteritis for a week and a half now (hint: DON'T GET IT, IT SUCKS). This is why I have not been posting a whole lot. And probably why I will not be posting a whole lot in the near future.

I can hear your tears falling like tiny sad little catprints from a tiny sad little kitten that is sadly slouching away, who occasionally pauses and looks back, sadly, before turning and trudging on once more.

But seriously, people. It seems like the last few days have been me just walking down the street, minding my own business, and someone will come strutin' by, snapping their fingers and singing to themselves, and they'll stop me and be like, "Hey Bac-Log, what's shakin' bacon? Why haven't you posted recently", and I'll be like, "I have an infection in my intestines", and they'll be like, "but I'm bored, baby-- you need to give me more of that good stuff", and I'll be like, "but I'm in a great deal of pain", and they'll be like, "you know what's awesome? PIE", and then they will strut off, snapping and singing to themselves, into a psychedelic rainbow fur-lined sunset.

You are all that guy. ESPECIALLY YOU, COURTNEY.

Actually, to be completely honest for a split second, it always warms my heart when people mention that they are starved for the kind of non-FDA-approved brainfood that Bac-Log is always pleased to serve long past its expiration date. I am indeed extremely grateful for all of my loyal readers who enjoy this blog for some reason. So grateful in fact, that I am pleased to offer you all an AMAZING PRIZE!! And that prize is...

[drumroll]

GETTING TO WRITE THE BLOG FOR ME!

Okay, not exactly, but close. For a limited time, I invite EVERYONE WHO CAN READ THIS to participate in the Bac-Log blogging experience as a guest blogger or open-topic creator! For serious, guys! If you would like to have a prestigious Guest Blog post, please send me an email with whatever it is you wish to be read by my clamoring fan base of at least 12 people. If your post requires pictures or formatting, we can discuss how to do this. Also, if you are not really keen on producing an entire post, why not suggest a topic of discussion or an idea for a poll or a link list or something in the comments? If it's awesome, I will implement your idea!

Come on, do it! Help me... help you. (By doing the work for me.)

Thank you, and have a wonderful day.

Haikus > Cancer

Good morning:

I really can't thank everyone enough who generously donated money and poetic gems of wonder and majesty to support my Swedish Summerun cancer-fighting superhero team. It is a constant source of delight that my guest book is, to the outside observer, inexplicably signed with only haikus, many of which are inexplicably bacon-related.

While every entry is a winner of a piece of my heart, unfortunately history only has room for two glorious winnerz of the highly sought-after X-TREME HAIKU CHARITY CHALLENGE 2008™ fabulous prizes.

The first winner is easy: The first haiku was submitted by the esteemed "satty", which is an alias used to disguise the identity of my buddy Taco (Zing! I just scandalously outed you on my blog!) When presented with his choice of the fabulous prizes earmarked for the first entry award...

I'll take some Ice cream and is it possible to get a double order of the "Uncomfortably frank and unqualified opinions about your clothing".

1.) Dress your age.
2.) You live in Seattle now, not Michigan. Geez.
BONUS.) Pull your pants up.

Herein lies a good lesson for us all: When you make fun of Taco's clothes, you are making fun of yourself. If you dress like him. Which I do. [ed note: pull your pants up.]

The Ultimate Winner of Bestest Haiku award was not nearly so easy. As I stared searchingly at the glorious array of haikus before me, I realized that this was like choosing a favorite child, but harder, and also there are 17, which is 5 more children than I plan on having. Since there was no one haiku that really jumped out of a dark alley and mugged my heart more effectively than the rest, it became clear that I was going to have to approach this selection with some sort of objective system. I stole what I gather from the commercials is the idea behind my favorite mainstream matchmaking site that I have never actually used and probably never will, eHarmony, and decided to score the haikus based on "dimensions of haiku compatibility and awesomeness".

I whipped up a few appropriate scoring "dimensions" (Misery, Truth, Factual Accuracy, Shameless Pandering, Self-Referential/Meta, Absurdity, Needless Over-dramatization, Imagery, and of course, Alcohol References) and got right to work tabulating the final scores. My thinking was that when I summed everything up at the very end the Ultimate Winner of Bestest Haiku would emerge triumphantly from the shadows to claim the throne of ultimate victory.

Unfortunately, when I finally finished tweaking the checklist for each haiku and hit "calculate" I had, I kid you not, an 8-way tie for 1st. Hmm, well, I guess I should remove "objectivity" from my list of the 2 things I am good at.

List of things I am good at:

• objectivity
• pepperoni

So you know that classic superhero situation where the supervillain has captured the hero's mom and also the love interest, and they are both suspended in cages above a heaving lake of fiery zombie alligators with lice and herpes, and the hero must choose only one to save, but then he (or she) somehow manages to save them both and also put the supervillain behind bars? My haiku scoring is exactly like that except that they both fall into the lake, and also my friends that aren't even there somehow fall into the lake, and the supervillain becomes Evil Mayor of the Universe, and my cat runs away (I am assuming I will have a sassy sidekick cat in this situation). Failure!

Fortunately, whereas my objectivity skillz pulled a 2007 Mets (Zing! Grant 1, New York 0), my bribing skillz are still hovering around "passing". I offered my friend Hillary an irresistible bribe platter consisting of booze, boundless fame, and any leftover fabulous prizes in exchange for use of her completely unbiased judgment skillz. Not only did she add her own awesome categories and thinly-veiled but good-natured derision, she also completely blew my world away by including negative points! Hahaha! Brilliant! Why didn't I think of that? [ed note: next time, think of that]

Anyway, I hope you've been pacing your down arrow key jabbing, for what follows is the highly anticipated unveiling of the X-TREME HAIKU CHARITY CHALLENGE 2008™ haikus followed by score! Full scoring details available here. Note also that each haiku will be accompanied by a thumbnail image derived from entering the entire haiku into Google Image Search.

I

How I miss bacon
Not that I cant get it here
Its no Baco though
Score: 2

II

Cow tipping is mean
but bird hypnosis is sweet!
Oh life on the farm
Score: 3

III

Du kan vet inte
Vad är jag skriva till du
Jättebra är mig
Score: 3

IV

Being in Japan
makes my brain hurt all the time
I miss you English.
Score: 3

V

add one dumb kitten
mix in some laser pointer
mmm, that's delicious!
Score: 3

VI

Haiku, I hate you
You make my brain hurt so hard
No last line for me
Score: 3

VII

Skipped spring this year
now it's a stormy summer still
drown my pain in beer
Score: 3

VIII

money to bac-log
prizes follow afterwards
also, cancer sucks
Score: 4

IX

a haiku flatter
than the abs i wish i had
is all i can write
Score: 5

X

There are times I wish
that all communication
was in haiku-form.
Score: 6

XI

crisp pink how perfect
the noble pig's sacrifice
as the chicken smiles
Score: 6

XII

I tried to Haiku
pondered counted racked my brain
formatting failure
Score: 6

XIII

The smell of the rain
Is made of spores breath-ed in
how is this healthy
Score: 6

XIV

Is there a surface
I did not vomit upon?
No, no there is not.
Score: 7

XV

kid and finger trap
once hilarity ensues...
I was never there
Score: 7

XVI

Run, kids, run! Cancer
shall hear your quickened footfalls,
and, knowing, cower.
Score: 10

AND...

XVII

There in tears and sweat
desiccating shriveling
salt cures the bacon
Score: 11
ULTIMATE WINNER of BESTEST HAIKU
Author: Grant's mom

Okay, so I have to admit that I cheated on the image search for XVII, but it is only because there is seriously nothing else that's good. Also, I love me the 1th Place meat trophy so hard.

The best part about sourcing out the haiku scoring to an unfortunate victim a lucky volunteer is that I can totally wash my hands of any and all possible grievances and disputes. If you have any complaints or would like to request an appeal, please send 10 emails to hillary@justkiddingiwouldprobablyneverdothat.org.

I'm pretty sure I know what my mom is going to want, even though it wasn't even on the right list (geez, mom, you are so embarrassing), but I should probably ask again, and I still have to pay off my haiku-scoring hitwoman, so stay tuned for the anticipated distribution of the fabulous prizes! I guess this means Vik gets to extend his ruthless domination as Bac-Log's patron saint for a little longer...

Again, if you've made it this far, thank you all SO much for making this such an awesome and fun success. Also, you are probably hungry.

Ok, I think I've molested your scroll bar enough for the next hour or so.

UPDATE: Courtney just made me realize that fielding complaints is actually a totally fun idea. If you have any complaints or disputes, please leave them in the comments. It's like a food fight with 15% less cottage cheese in my hair!

What Google thinks of me

Here is a portrait of myself as drawn by my Gmail Sponsored Links this morning:

Genuine B.A.R.F Dog Food - www.barfproducts.com - Save 10%. Raw, Flash frozen and delivered to you. Human Grade USA

Women Who Wear Thongs - LifeScript.com - The Lowdown On How To Wear A Thong. The Latest Beauty Advice!

10 Skinny Rules - FatLoss4Idiots.com - I lost 9 lbs. in 11 days, just by following these 10 simple rules.

¿Cómo se llamará mi bebe? - todobebe.com - Origen y significado de los nombres más populares alrededor del mundo

Reuters: Oddly Enough - Registering potentially dangerous knives - May 6

Prevent runner's diarrhea - RevolutionHealth.com - Learn what causes runner's diarrhea and how to prevent it.

Thanks, Google! I love you too.

NEW FEATURE: Gratitude

I don't know about everyone else, but I think I have a little bit of a BABE Rally Team Name CHAMPIONSHIP emotional hangover (possibly part of a real hangover). I think Kyle S said it best:

Clapping my hands. Crying into them.

If I had to choose only one word to describe the events of the last five days, I would have to go with "Epic". If I had to choose only two words to describe the events of the last five days, I would go with "Epic" and, well, maybe I would see if I could trade the second word for italics and capitalization.

EPIC.

I would like to take this opportunity to thank everyone who helped my wayward BABE Rally team finally choose a name: There Will Be Bacon. This was certainly a lot more fun than I imagined. This is a little sad, but we probably could not have chosen a name without your help. You guys are the best. As a matter of fact, according to a recent scientific study conducted in my head just now, Bac-Log! readers are, on average, 13% more awesome and 17% more attractive (although 6% more likely to be seriously injured in a treasure-hunting related accident) than average blog readers.

I was going to present a special "1th Place" trophy to the ultimate winner of the BABE Rally Team Name CHALLENGE, but I feel like you guys deserve it more.Congratulations!!

I might do a special recap post of the legendary challenge later, but in the meantime, here is the final bracket. Also I need to score the brackets to determine who gets free ice cream!

Again, HUGE thanks to everyone who participated in this craziness!