Another milestone DESTROYED

Hey dudes and chicks:

Apparently this is Bac-Log episode 200! [scattered awkward clapping].

Okay, fine. Have this instead:

CHAPTER THE ONETH:

Who wants to go see an exhilarating Seattle Mariners baseball squadron baseball game tomorrow (Tuesday) night? I have THREE FREE* TICKETS that do not include my own ONE FREE TICKET! Who wants to spend a beautiful spring evening making up inappropriate nicknames for the esteemed members of the opposing ballclub, the mildly detested but begrudgingly respected Tampa Bay Rays baseball squadron? And eating nachos? You know you want to. Bring it.

*While free in monetary terms, you will have to pretend to listen to me as I make up inappropriate nicknames for the opposing ballclub, the people around us in the stands, my friends, and probably myself.

Email me if you want to go. The seats are awesome, and even come with free parking passes.

UPDATE: Looks like I'm the middle of a Kyle sandwich with a side of Vik! Wait, eww.

CHAPTER TOOTH:

Because she lives 3000 miles away, coming up with a suitable selection of appropriate prizes for Sara's dominating slogan contest victory has been difficult, because I can't just make the prize poll consist of nothing but noogies of various durations. So I have had to settle for the following:

• Election as Bac-Log's Minister of Defense, Slogans, and Time Management. (Sara has proven that she can handle at least part of that job.)
• The subject of an epic poem and/or limerick!
• A custom T-shirt that reads "I won a custom t-shirt contest but all I got was this lousy custom t-shirt back".
• A one-week 5-day 2-day moratorium on making fun of her behind her back.
• A seven year old box of stuffing autographed by Heenkenstein, BRG, and I.
• A dramatic LEGO reenactment of what life was like when Sara and I were roommates in college.
• A poorly-photoshopped sparkly poster of Sara riding a unicorn or a dolphin or a unicorn dolphin or driving a barbie car with Robo-cop.
• A Dicks cheeseburger [this also counts as this post's inside joke].

Pretty awesome stuff, right? Now remember, Sara's prize will be determined by YOUR VOTE! VOTE ON THEM NOW AND TELL EVERYONE YOU KNOW TO VOTE. It is the only way we can ever hope to make this world a fair place.

CHAPTER LETTUCE:

Tougs and I had some Fun Dip on Saturday. That stuff is awesome! If only there was a way to use this blog to assign homework, the first assignment would be to enjoy some Fun Dip and vote on the prize poll and come over and ride Tinybike with me over some sweet jumps.

TODAY'S HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT:

• Enjoy some Fun Dip
• Vote on the prize poll
• Come over and ride Tinybike with me over some sweet jumps

You do care about your grades, right? Better get on this.

FINALLY

What up, gang[?]

Two things: 1.) When used as a greeting, does that actually need a question mark? 2.) I renewed my drivers license yesterday (because I'm old), and counter 6 was piloted by the most awesomely archetypal DOL employee ever. You know, rumpled, beady, bespectacled, completely humorless-- if the DOL ever pulled a Star Wars Episode 2 and hired a weird water dolphin planet to clone bureau-troopers, this guy would be like Boba Fett. Anyway, every time he called someone up to the counter he meticulously deployed the standard, "Firstname Lastname, please come to counter six. Firstname [pause] Lastname," even if the person was already standing there. I watched this machine-like bureaucratic precision for maybe half an hour, when this Indian dude wanders up to counter 6, and the DOL employee just says, "what up," with a little head nod. What? Does this Indian guy come in so often that he and the DOL-bots are on "what up" terms?

Anyway, I meant to post these awesome Bac-Log reviews a couple days ago, but I somehow became really busy. Sorry! [not that sorry]. Okay, so here's how this review contest is going to proceed: I will post either the whole review (if it is of reasonable length *cough* *cough* Courtney *hack* *HACK*), or a representative summary. I will conclude each review with an associated tagline. Also, as in the legendary Cancer-Fighting Haiku Contest, each review will be accompanied by an image generated by entering the tagline into Google Image Search.

Hold on to your butts:

Wait, what movie is that from?

RACHEL'S REVIEW:

I think your friend Sara's friend eats too much paste during passing period. Your blog reminds me of the excellent, albeit defunct, teen magazine called Sassy. Sassy was "fashion" magazine that did not focus on fashion much in the way that Bac-Log does not focus on bacon. But that's what made it great. Keep up the good work. Sara's friend can suck it. End of review.

Tagline: Bac-Log: Like the defunct teen fashion magazine Sassy but for bacon.

* * *

HEIDI'S REVIEW:

Meh, sometimes I read it.

Tagline: Bac-Log: Meh, sometimes something something *bored*

* * *

COURTNEY'S REVIEW (excerpt):

OK, this is not where I thought this blog post was going to go with previously mentioned title, but ok, I'm at work and I don't have anything else to do. Blah, blah, blah.............. blah...Ha.... blah blah blah... hahahaha... that is soo Grant... blah blah blah, a lot of words. Ha.

Tagline: Bac-Log: blah blah blah, a lot of words. Ha.

* * *

ADRIAN'S REVIEW:

I would say the best thing about bac-log is that it allows me to maintain an excellent distant tenuous relationship with a brother who lives in the same town as me but whom I never see because he lives farther than a ten minute walk. It is a tragic balance of severe witticism tempered with batches of the mundane that excruciatingly explores the nebulous realms of being vs. becoming...in blog format. I like to read it when I pretend to work and recommend it to jewish people. I suck at writing comments! I need to scan the picture I drew of a squirrel going to work-That would more accurately portray my feelings about this blog.

Tagline: Bac-Log: A tragic balance of severe witticism tempered with batches of the mundane that excruciatingly explores the nebulous realms of being vs. becoming.

* * *

TRICIA'S REVIEW:

The bac-log is where I go when I am feeling glum and bored with the thoughts that are floating through my head. I am consistently surprised by the witty commentary and always amazed at its complete randomness. I often try to bring up random and exciting topics of conversation with the author of bac-log in hopes that one day it will make it to the all-hallowed walls of the bac-log, but it has yet to happen... I also use it to prove to co-workers that the stories I bring back from the weekend are true, and that Grant really is off his rocker.

Tagline: Bac-Log: Those stories from the weekend are true!

* * *

RITA'S REVIEW (excerpt):

So you want a review? [Uses the promise of familiar crisp, satisfying bacon to lure you into the thick smoky outer regions of the blogsphere, some never to return.] I hate to admit it but Yes, I did drop him on his head when he was very young, that or maybe those scary Lego people.

Tagline: Bac-Log: ...something about scary lego people. What?

* * *

SARA'S REVIEW (excerpt):

Bac-log makes no sense to me. I always read it and laugh, but then I wonder if I actually get it, or if its all an inside joke that I would understand if I actually lived in the same state as the author. However, with this contest, sprung from the comment that my completely disconnected friend made, so I feel that I've been brought back in the fold and get the joke. I probably still don't get it though.

Tagline: Bac-Log: Possibly all an elaborate inside joke, or maybe not.


AWESOME! Okay, so now that you've all thoroughly read the reviews and carefully considered the taglines and discussed the elaborate thumbnail images with your colleagues over piping-hot cups of fancy tea, you must vote on your favorite. THAT MEANS YOU ACTUALLY HAVE TO VISIT THE BLOG, GOOGLE READER USERS. Don't worry, I will refund those extra mouse clicks. (The check is already in the mail.) (Please don't cash it until at least the 15th. I don't want to overdraw again.)

Just in case you don't like any of the taglines, I have included the versatile "None of the above/I am incapable of human feeling" option.

Also, you can vote for multiple taglines.

VOTE NOW HURRY GO GO GO GO

[guest post] Kevin Bacon finally answers my prayers

This is a guest post from Kevin Bacon of abstinence-only sweatpants fame and also movie star fame! Kevin Bacon is probably pretty busy, so it is not surprising that it took so long for my prayers to get answered, and why I'm not too upset that Kevin Bacon forgot the unicorn pony part of my prayer. Also I started a new poll on the sidebar relating to "punctuationtarded" vs my suggestion of "punc'tiontarded". Doesn't punc'tiontarded just have better rhythm? (NOT TO SWAY YOU IN YOUR VOTE OR ANYTHING!!)

to: grant laine
from: molly@kevinbacon.email
subject: Baclog: your content prayers are answered

Per Ian's suggestion, I am sending you this link for the baclog:

http://www.photobasement.com/the-hottest-knitted-cheeseburger-dress-you-will-see-today/

Sadly for you, though. I won't be bothering to guest-blog it, as I am ripping off to Maine today (What I Ate: Lobster pancakes with lobster syrup, Lobster salad with lobster-blueberry vinagrette, Boiled lobster with lobster mashed potatoes) and can't be arsed.

Unless you just want to post this e-mail verbatim. Which would be totally PoMo of you.

*molly

-----

to: grant laine
from: molly@kevinbacon.email
subject: RE: Baclog: your content prayers are answered

Ugh. When you do, can you change the period after "though" to a comma? I'm punctuationtarded today.

-----

to: molly@kevinbacon.email
from: grant laine
subject: RE: Baclog: your content prayers are answered

You do understand that this is also going in the post, right?

-----

to: grant laine
from: molly@kevinbacon.email
subject: RE: Baclog: your content prayers are answered

Yeah. I'm over it.

who's with me?

Hey, remember when I used to write nice, short, neatly-structured posts? (If so, that means that was not just a dream I had! Unless, of course, we had the same dream... CREEPY!)

Speaking of creepy, what do people think of this picture that I modded up:

Personally, I just can't stop laughing. Is this wrong? Maybe I should lay off the candy canes and coffee for a while.

Anyway, I made an exciting NEW POLL on the sidebar that you should vote on (yes, that means you actually have to visit the blog, all you Google Reader users).

OH NOES: we has polling fail

Five votes. Five votes to determine the outcome of the most anticipated death match of all time. This is no sample size- this is a travesty! And worst of all, despite the odd number of voters, we somehow managed to end up with a tie.

Fail. Epic polling fail.

I just don't know if I have the energy to keep polling after this crushing defeat, but I think I owe it to myself to try one more time.

Please vote on the poll to the right.

POLL RESULTS- We have a NEW POLL!

Despite Kyle's predictable attempt to perpetuate the meta-polling, the vast, 5-person majority has clearly spoken in favor of the mortal contest betwixt a life-size Teddy Ruxpin and Michael Douglas but with electric eels for arms, a compelling issue in today's modern world.


You may be thinking, "this doesn't seem like an issue that could be resolved via a poll on the sidebar of a blog; this seems like an issue that should be investigated in a rigorous scientific setting." I would ordinarily agree with you, but you have to look at it this way - we could set up a rigorous scientific battledome with lab-coated scientists scuttling about with clipboards behind 3-inch-thick, blast-proof glass, and we could record the actual results from the legendary encounter, and we could go out for beer afterwards to discuss the impact of the experiment on our day-to-day lives, but we would have had only a single statistical instance by which to ultimately contextualize this issue. What if one of the eels was asleep? What if "Grubby" (?) wasn't attached (?) properly? Was the carnage really worth it if there are lingering doubts about the validity of the test? [hint: Maybe]

Also, there is the issue of the sheer cost of performing such an experiment. A normal-sized Teddy Ruxpin is around $7.00+shipping on Ebay, and Michael Douglas would probably cost at least twice that, not including the electric eels or the surgery.

So it seems to me that the best way to truly answer this question is to have my massive readership [that's what she said! Ha ha ha! Ha ha... ha... ... anybody? ... *sigh*] conduct whatever calculations and simulations they feel are necessary to come to a conclusion and vote on the poll. By collecting and collating this work, this blog will be serving as a depository of scientific knowledge and rigor.

Bac-Log: A Depository of Scientific Knowledge and Rigor.

What kind of sample size will we achieve using this "mechanical turk"-like system? Well, the first poll garnered an unprecedented 7 votes in 45 days (0.16 votes/day), the meta-poll garnered 6 votes in only 7 days (0.86 votes/day), so if this poll's participation grows at the same 551% rate, in 10 days we should end up with between 47 and 48 total votes! Now that is sample size! I am so confident in my math on this one that if I do not receive at least 47 votes, this creepy bookmark that my coworker gave me will feel the cruel bite of cold steel from my comically large scissors.


I look forward to our results, team. I GAVE YOU YOUR POLL, FAIR READERS, NOW GIVE ME YOUR WISDOM!

New Poll!!

Flush with polling enthusiasm after the rousing seven-response success of my first poll, I am offering a NEW POLL! Help shape the future of debate in this country by voting for what the next poll should be about. Which issues are more important to you personally? I want to know. The only way I can know is through your participation. Vote now.

Poll results!!

Wow, so my virgin poll [ed note: That is dirty. Let's start over]

Wow, so my first poll received an unprecedented seven responses, which is roughly infinity times what I had anticipated. And the results show that we have a mandate on ground-score nachos being nutritious as opposed to delicious. I thought this was interesting, so I consulted my 1972 edition of The Joy Of Cooking to shed some light on these unexpected results. Here is what The Joy Of Cooking has to say about nutrition:

To live we must eat. To live in health we must eat intelligently. By whose intelligence? How directed? The intuitions and impulses of the present generation seem, alas, not to be the kind that led our forebears to search for greens each spring. The sensational press releases which follow the discovery of fascinating fresh bits and pieces about human nutrition confuse the layman. And the oversimplified and frequently ill-founded dicta of food faddists can lure us into downright harm.

Ah! I think The Joy of Cooking is trying to tell me, the confused layman, to be wary of my sensational poll-voter's dangerous dicta. Instead I need to send 4 bears to find some greens. This is probably so one can go in each of the cardinal directions, although I hope the Westerly Bear can swim.

Godspeed.

NEW FEATURE: Poll

I am a blogimal! Check out my awesome understanding of clicking on Blogger options by voting on the poll that I have added to the sidebar. HURRY! You only have 40-SOMETHING DAYS LEFT! I hope that is enough time for someone to read my blog.