Tuesday, November 25, 2008

Re: the title of your latest blog post

I'm pretty sure Admiral Heenkypants is better at the "Your Mom" joke than I will be at anything ever. Or at least more dedicated.

Monday, November 24, 2008

justice is hilarious and wet

Behold another installment of the timeless tale of Pet vs Kid, in which the hapless child seeks unjust revenge upon a superior feline foe and passersby are treated to an epic battle for the ages:


Here is the inner dialog associated with this shining moment of history:

KID: [constant buzzing sound]
KID: [constant buzzing sound]
KID: [constant buzzing sound]
CAT: nope
KID: [constant muted gurgling sound]



I am eating Pop Rocks. Has anyone else eaten these recently (I mean actually using them as intended, not by making explosions with root beer)? Anyway, they are the best. THE BEST! Pop Rocks just filled thousands of tiny explosion-shaped holes in my life that I was not even aware that I had.

So, how is everyone's day going?

Thursday, November 13, 2008

that one time we broke into a brewery last weekend

Oh yeah, so I meant to regale you all with exciting tales of some recent adventures of mine, but then I sort of forgot, and also I am really busy. But guess what? It turns out that sometimes if you don't do something someone else will end up doing it for you! For example, you can check out one of my recent adventures by reading Admiral Heenkypants' recount of this one time we broke into an abandoned brewery last Sunday (to protect those involved, I will refer to my companions as "Admiral Heenkypants", "Echo 3-7", and "Jason"). Also, you can look at his pictures here because the link on his blog is broken.

It was pretty great. We snuck around through some woods. We almost got caught! We crawled through a tiny hole. I threw some stuff as hard as I could in an abandoned warehouse. Jason got bored on watch duty and started complaining. I scored an awesome giant "4" sign. Apparently Jason climbed this crazy wood thing when I was on watch duty. Due to a crazy misunderstanding, I made Admiral Heenkypants and Echo 3-7 run through some mud for no reason (oops! I would be sorry if I wasn't so busy laughing at you). Afterwards we had victory burritos and victory Tecate. Success!

The end.

Monday, November 10, 2008

either gasoline or clothing for thought, your choice

I was going to title this post "food for thought" for some reason (I hadn't gotten that far yet), but then I started thinking about what that phrase actually meant, and then I sort of lost my train of thought to a tragic thought derailment accident. This is pretty much the story of my life.

Okay, so does "food" refer to fuel for some sort of thought engine, or does "food" refer to actual food, presumably for some sort of thought animal? Am I the only one that is concerned with this ambiguity? The fuel idea represents a non-essential but presumably industrious and desirable function, whereas the food idea represents a necessary function for survival. Do I need thought food every day to keep my thought animal alive, or do I just need thought food whenever I want to fuel my thought car? DO YOU SEE WHY I'M HAVING TROUBLE WITH THIS? [note to readers: it's okay to say "no". But only once per month, so use it wisely. Okay, I guess you can say "no" twice in December, because it is the season of giving, but only one can be used in response to me asking you to buy me something. Also you will have to fill out a rebate form.]

Anyway, I forgot what my original point was, but I just decided that today is the Official Bac-Log Half-Opposite Day, wherein half of what I say will be opposite, but I will not tell you which is which, and also this whole idea could fall in the opposite category. Don't choke and/or flood your thought carburetor with all of that thought food/fuel!

Oh yeah, I just remembered that I was going to post this to regale you all with scintillating tales of adventure and delight regarding what I did and stuff I ate last week, but maybe I should do that tomorrow instead (to avoid Half-Opposite complete clarity).

I hope you have a neutral evening.

UPDATE: I just remembered that another thing I meant to post about was to get addresses to send reward haiku/recipe postcards to the brave participants of Bac-log Novel Idea Contest CHALLENGE 2008™. Teg, Tiny, Kevin Bacon, and Stueueuueek need to email me their addresses. KEEP THE IDEAS COMING, PEOPLE.

Also, if I suddenly ask for your address for no obvious reason, it is because you unintentionally gave me an idea for my novel, probably by tripping or spilling something. No good deed goes unrewarded.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Apparently we are getting a new president

When in the deeps of time I took upon myself the ancient and powerful mantle of "lazy and directionless blogger", I made a personal pledge to keep my bloggy tome free of certain subjects. It's not that I don't have strong feelings about these subjects; rather it is a reflection of my personal belief that my greatest instrument of change is through example (be the change you want to see in the world). There are very few people who have the charisma and sheer depth and scope of absolute knowledge to force their views onto someone who is not ready or willing to change their minds. I am certainly not one of these people. I like to think that my personal philosophical platform is extremely rational and non-threatening, and that I can affect change in my own way, but rationality has little effect against the walls of stubborness that spring up when certain subjects are broached. Plus, I feel that the most important blog in the history of time should be an open and safe environment for all visitors. Bac-log is all about inclusionism. These subjects that I swore to banish forever from the hallowed pages of the great and ancient Bac-Logia are, of course, Politics, Religion, and Celebrity Gossip.

All that being said, In case you haven't heard, we are finally getting a new president! Whichever candidacy wins the general election tomorrow, be it either the refreshing and pride-inducing voice of change and reason or the ticket that may as well have been cast for a reality TV show, the real winners will be the American people. Of course, there are different levels of winning, and I would personally prefer to win the $1,000,000 instead of the free 20oz Coke, but I'll be happier with either than nothing, which is what we have now. (To maintain my unbiased reporting of this political event, I will not tell you which candidate is the 20oz coke and which is the million bucks.)

Okay, so how is it that, as far as I can tell, nobody has artistically rendered GObama as that one GoBot that was made of the 6 other GoBots, except in this case it would be a super badass presidential candidate made out of 6 other super badass presidential candidates, each one of which is powerful in their own way but an unstoppable force for good when combined? I mean that in an unbiased way, of course.

Anyway, the reason that I bring this up is because I just found out a couple of hours ago that I will be witnessing the unfolding of this epic historical turning point from Alaska. You probably know Alaska as that state what can see Russia, but you may be STUNNED to hear that it is also governed by a certain VP candidate! (Let's call her Sarah P. No, that's too obvious. We will call her S. Palin.) As you may imagine, most polls are predicting that this state will selflessly offer its 3 small but courageous electoral votes to the iron will of SP's ticket.

I'm bummed that I am going to miss what I'm sure will be a boozy haze followed by SCENE MISSING at Perrywinkle and Stueck's election party tomorrow, but I have obviously been chosen for a task of far greater importance than converting half-racks of PBR into urine (I'll have to make it up by working harder on the weekends I guess). Why do I think this? Well, take this short summary of JRR Tolkien's classic The Lord of the Rings:

At the turn of the tide of history, a quiet but brave hero undertakes a desperate journey into the heart of the Enemy's realm to destroy an object of power with which the Enemy will enslave the world. Also, some other dude becomes king and restores a fading world to its former glory.

What I think this is telling me is that I must travel alone with only my trusty servant (iPod) to the Land of the Enemy (Alaska) to destroy some sort of object of power by casting it in the Cracks of Doom (Gulf of Alaska). Only by defeating the Dark Lord (Palin) of the Dark Tower (Wasilla) can the king (Obama) return to restore the fading world to its former glory (pre-Bush). [In case you are interested in extending this metaphor, please note that Morgoth represents McCain, Gollum represents my self-doubt, and that Gandalf is not present for my quest represents the fact that I will not get iPhone reception in the Aleutians]. I mean this all in an unbiased way, of course.

I'm not sure what the evil object of power is yet, so my current plan is to save the world by hurling an onion ring into the Gulf of Alaska unless someone can suggest something better. Also, the homoerotic bed reunion scene from the movie version will have to wait to be played out until I return [which is to say, SLO-MO PILLOW FIGHT GRANT'S PLACE THURSDAY YOU ARE ALL INVITED].

Anyway, you should all vote tomorrow.

[also: if you are a California voter and are undecided about the proposition to change the state constitution to actively remove legal rights, protections, and freedoms from California citizens, please consider that a mistake that causes harm is worse than a mistake that fails to do good. Please just choose to leave people with their freedom and rights until you decide one way or the other.]

In case you were wondering about my gender

Hey guys, this was on BoingBoing today:

GenderAnalyzer.com logotype

This far-reaching and world-changing web tool analyzes a website to determine if it is written by a dude or a chick. I have no idea why this is important, but that's probably because I am but a pawn in the game of life. This web tool is probably curing cancer as we speak.


Internet! I give you so much, and this is how you repay me?

I do have a pretty sweet figure, though. And I dig the pants. Okay, internet, you are forgiven.

Anyway, this just makes me wonder how this tool actually works. Does it analyze word choices for gender patterns? Do I have a preponderance of "womanly" content in my blog? Am I that out of touch with my own gender? I guess I better post more man stuff:

Speaking of man stuff, if you type "chick with " into the Google toolbar thingy on Firefox, here is what Google offers as suggested searches:

chick with guns
chick with the braids lyrics
chick with the altoids
chick with ambition
chick with the gun jeans
chick with antlers

This is an example of how technology has the power to improve our lives. Google increased my quality of life drastically today by allowing me to save precious time by not having to type out "antlers". I was then able to waste invest that time in Sudoku and funny cat pictures.

Thanks to the internet, my life can has more Sudoku, and apparently less Y chromosome.