Thursday, January 31, 2008

NEW FEATURE: mobile blogging

Yes! I am mobile blogging from my phone. Some dude at the bar that I
am at just announced, "today is a good day to have a baby!" That is all.

-if not back in 72 hours, avenge

What I ate yesterday

Alright, too sleepy to think. That means another exciting episode of Retroactive Blogging About Things I ate!

Here's what I ate yesterday, in order:

hardboiled egg
1 cup coffee
2 cups coffee
5 peppermints
1 slice of cold pizza
1 cup coffee
2 handfuls of tortilla chips with salsa
1 glass chocolate milk
1 quart of badly freezer-burned cool whip

Ha ha ha ha ha I have the best diet EVER.

Wednesday, January 30, 2008

NEW FEATURE: Blog shout-out

CHECK IT OUT! I am really playing this blogging game to win now. Here are some awesome cupcakes my friend Laurel made:


amongst other awesome stuff. Go check it out!

NEW FEATURE: Call For Fan Fiction

YES! Here is a NEW [off-topic] FEATURE: A desperate call for nerdy bit-character fan-fiction! Today's subject is the hilariously adorable Pessimistic Rotund Orc Engineer from the extended edition of The Two Towers:

I'm not sure why I put the movie in last night (I only made it about half an hour before deciding to watch the inside of my eyelids instead), but I'm glad I did because I had totally never noticed this little gem of a bit character before. Here is the dialog that ensues between Saruman and little P.R.O.E.

Saruman: I want them armed and ready to march within two weeks.
PROE: [in a thick British accent] But my Lord, there's too many of them, they cannot all be armed in time! We don't have the means!
Saruman: Build a damn, block the stream, work the furnaces night and day!
PROE: [doing some quick calcs on his graphing calculator made out of human bones] We don't have enough fuel to feed the fires!
Saruman: The Forest of Fangorn lies on our doorstep... burn it.
PROE: Yes.

ha ha ha ha, I don't know why this cracks me up so much, but I really want to learn more about this stumpish little geek monster. Maybe someone could write a story about his college days at a midwest engineering school when he and a rag-tag band of nerdy misfits totally pull one over on the power-hungry totalitarian dean. And then he eats all of the other students.

Actually, you know who he reminds me of:

Perhaps pessimism is heavily encouraged in thick-accented, rotund engineering school.



NEW FEATURE! Bacon links

Bacon scarf
Review of bacon mints
Meat house
Meat Ship
Bacon is the candy of meats
Bacon candy bar
Unified theory of bacon
Bacon cheese baconburger AKA AWESOMEST IDEA EVER
Bacon soap
Mr Baconpants bacon-lovers gift guide
Bacon-wrapped turkey
Bacon costume
EWWWW, but also, OKAY
MORE bacon costumes
Grilled peanut butter, banana, and bacon-wich
Bacon tomb (unfortunately, this is a tomb for the bacon)
Mathematical formula for perfect bacon sandwich THANK YOU SCIENCE
Bacon-cooking alarm clock!
Bacon swag from Archie McPhee's
Danger dog
Ha ha ha ha BACON TUXEDO!
"If syphilis was a food product, this is what it would look like"
Bacon popcorn
To robots, humans taste like bacon

Photo from flickr user Sappymoosetree

Tuesday, January 29, 2008


I am a blogimal! Check out my awesome understanding of clicking on Blogger options by voting on the poll that I have added to the sidebar. HURRY! You only have 40-SOMETHING DAYS LEFT! I hope that is enough time for someone to read my blog.

Crock Pot Scorecard

I recently purchased a crockpot because it was on the end of the aisle at the store and it only cost $12. TWELVE DOLLARS!! If I had known crockpots were so cheap I would have been enjoying hearty stews and tender vegetables for years now. I assumed that they were, like, $50 because that is the dollar amount that I assign to things of that size.

Here are the things that I have made so far, followed by a score:

This recipe was on the very back of the crockpot manual, and I magically had everything that was required, such as rice, eggs, sugar, and other stuff. Also, it only took 4 hours!
  • Had all of the stuff
  • Only took 4 hours
  • Sounds delicious
  • Dry
  • Flavorless
  • Looked kinda gross
Score: 2.5

This recipe was also in the crockpot instruction manual.
  • Used some of the dry beans I bought while drunk shopping
  • Used some of the ham hocks I had in my freezer for some reason
  • Contains bacon
  • I actually ate it all!
  • Took 2 hours to soak the stupid beans, then 12 hours to cook
  • Ham hocks disintegrated into little chunks of bone that hurt my teeth
  • Made my kitchen smell kind of funny
Score: 7.5

The allure of the crockpot is the ability to whip up a mean stew or hearty dish of goodness from scratch, using what resources are available to you. This was my first attempt.
  • Used two bags of freezer-burned veggies that I was probably never going to use
  • Used the last of the mysterious ham hocks
  • Used 4 potatoes and 2 onions of indeterminate age
  • I got to pretend I was a cook by pouring spices and junk into a pot
  • I spilled a bunch of it
  • Turned out gross
  • Accidentally left it in my work fridge and now am scared to open it
Score: 2

Thus, the average score of my crockpot thus far is a 4.

The "Olympic"

This is another "Walk Down Memory Lane" post that I am using to make my blog appear bigger. It is an epic tale of that one time last year that Kyle, Ian, and I went to Ian's remote mountain fortress and thought that we invented the awesomest food item ever, the bacon-wrapped hot dog. It turns out that we were the last three people on earth that didn't know this already existed, and that's probably what drew us together as friends. I bet bacon-wrapped-hot-dog ignorance is a powerful pheromone. We called our "invention" The Olympic, because we were in the long shadows of the Olympic mountain range. Here are some action shots of The Olympic being created in Ian's mountain laboratory:

YUM! We were about 90% sure we would be millionaires within months of our return from Ian's secret mountain stronghold, and there's still a chance. One of us could get hit by a truck and get a lawsuit.


New feature: OFF TOPIC POST!

My coworker just informed me that his next wife hasn't even been born yet.


Ok, so I don't know what a chalupa is

My friend Vik made this awesome joke about two chicks bumping chalupas, but I ruined it because I thought chalupas were tube-like and not taco-like. I ruined Christmas, if Christmas was January 26. This is a chalupa:

I think maybe I was thinking of a chimichanga:

May you never make this same mistake. Learn your food shapes.

NEW FEATURE: Walk down memory lane

This NEW FEATURE is very much like "blog padding" or "Retroactive Blogging About Things I Ate", except that this is not a comprehensive list of what I ate. This happened many years ago in the forgotten ages of the world, obscured by the mists of time, and thus I am having trouble remembering what I had for breakfast that day.

So back when I was in high school, I got invited to a potluck at a friend's friend's type of churchy event. Potlucks are like a fairyland of endless bliss for high school boys because while enshrouded in the protective veil of awkward hormonal frustration a male body becomes capable of consuming TEN TIMES IT'S VOLUME IN FOOD. Potlucks are like a free all-you-can-eat buffet, because your entry fee is created using food you stole from your parents.

I went over to Bean's house with T-Dogg to prepare my potluck entry, because Bean had a large enough vessel for my contribution - 12 packets of Top Ramen. Yes, I take my Worst Potluck Contributor EVER title very seriously. Also, these were the halcyon days of 12/1$ ramen, so I basically stole $1 from my parents in order to tarnish their name by being That Guy who shows up to a potluck with a bucket of ramen. Whilst engaged in the preparation of our meals, the boys and I struck up a classic match of "Props", which is essentially paying each other to do things with "props" because none of us had any money. My "Props" challenge was to eat two entire packets of crushed red pepper in one gulp. I WON THE PROPS!

About a minute later, my mouth and lips were burning so bad that I ran over and stuck my head under Bean's running sink, but gulping cool water did not douse the flames as I had hoped. Between fits of laughter at my expense, Bean graciously suggested that I attempt to neutralize the acid with a base, and gave me a half-gallon of milk. I drank THE ENTIRE CARTON, which did kind of help a little, but the pain crept back when it was gone. We then determined that perhaps cheese was a more effective base delivery method, so I ate half of a two pound brick of cheese (or one pound of cheese, for the math inclined). Then I ate some celery, because Bean was running out of food. The celery did not help either.

Well, it was time to go to the potluck, so we packed up our contributions (12 packets of top ramen, spaghetti with plain tomato sauce, and whatever it was that T-Dogg dug out of his parent's house) and headed out. My mouth still hurt, but my lips were finally numb, and I had stopped sweating, so things were looking up until I realized that I had burned my tastebuds so bad that I actually couldn't really taste anything. Also, the water, half gallon of milk, and one pound of cheese had finally registered, so I was now unbelievably full. As we drove to the potluck, I was carrying my pot of ramen between my legs for some reason, and every time we hit a bump, some ramen juice would splash out and burn my crotch.

We got to the potluck and I was stuffed, couldn't taste anything, and had a giant steaming spot of broth on my crotch. WORST POTLUCK EVER. Although I DID, as previously alluded to, win the Worst Potluck Contributor EVER award, barely beating out the guy who brought 20 hamburgers from McDonalds (it was $.25 hamburger day, limit 20).

Ah, memories.


YES! Another new feature, this new feature is called "blog padding", and it is similar to "Retroactive Blogging About Things I Ate" in that it is exactly the same!

This is what I ate on Sunday, in order:
1/2 cup coffee
1 bag of microwave popcorn
1/2 cup coffee
1 little orange thingy (perhaps a mandarine)
2 cups coffee
1 handful of hard candy I nicked from my coworker's desk because he wasn't around
1 pack of Top Ramen
1 can of chili

This is more typical of my standard routine, except for the microwave popcorn, which I can only eat at work because I don't have a microwave at home.


and by "NEW FEATURE!!1!", I mean "THE ONLY FEATURE". This new feature is designed to get this blog up and running. This feature is called Retroactive Blogging About Things I Ate. Here's how it works:

Yesterday I ate (in order):
2 cups of coffee
3 peppermints
1 cup of coffee
3/4 of a sandwich
1 cup of coffee
1 bag of Skittles
1 of those Air-head rubbery candy strips
1 bowl of salad
1 tallboy of PBR

It was truly a candy-centric day.