What Google thinks of me

Here is a portrait of myself as drawn by my Gmail Sponsored Links this morning:

Genuine B.A.R.F Dog Food - www.barfproducts.com - Save 10%. Raw, Flash frozen and delivered to you. Human Grade USA

Women Who Wear Thongs - LifeScript.com - The Lowdown On How To Wear A Thong. The Latest Beauty Advice!

10 Skinny Rules - FatLoss4Idiots.com - I lost 9 lbs. in 11 days, just by following these 10 simple rules.

¿Cómo se llamará mi bebe? - todobebe.com - Origen y significado de los nombres más populares alrededor del mundo

Reuters: Oddly Enough - Registering potentially dangerous knives - May 6

Prevent runner's diarrhea - RevolutionHealth.com - Learn what causes runner's diarrhea and how to prevent it.

Thanks, Google! I love you too.

Close call

Gmail Sponsored Link:

WARRIORS: Reverse Funnel - www.ReverseFunnelDynamo.com - Important Information You MUST Read Before Joining The Reverse Funnel

Whew! That was close! I came thiiis close to joining the Reverse Funnel unprepared.

NEW FEATURE: Game

Gmail sponsored link:

Craving bacon? - www.honda.com - Whatever you're craving, the Crave Reader can guess. Try it out.

Check it out! It's like playing that annoying game, 20 questions, with an even more annoying flash interface! It took me 4 tries to get the it to guess bacon, probably because I answered "sometimes" a lot. My first three tries resulted in Apple (cold), Breakfast (getting warmer), and a Rabbit's Foot (fail). See if you can beat my 4!

Popcorn Shirts Are Magic (yes, yes they are)

Gmail sponsored link:

Popcorn Shirts Are Magic - www.popcornshirt.com - One Size Fits Everybody Beautifully Wholesale Pricing Available

I just can't bring myself to follow the link because it will probably only ruin it for me. I'm going to let this one live forever unspoiled in my imagination. Also, next time I purchase something wholesale I am going to ask, "yes, but is it beautifully wholesale?"

WOOO Texas

Work has officially kicked my ass this week. Score: Work 1, Grant 0.

Gmail sponsored link:

Texas Tummy Tuck? - www-tummytuck.net - Get a Texas tummy tuck OR get tummy tuck results without surgery.

Wait, why is your sponsored link a question? Also, when "Texas" is used as a modifier, doesn't it usually mean "bigger" or maybe "spicier"? Those are two things that are generally not in the top-5 things I look for in a tummy tuck.

RAWK

Gmail sponsored link:

Metal Wedding Invitations - www.keepsakeweddinginvitations.com

Okay, so it turns out this company makes normal wedding invitations, but instead of boring old paper (SO 2oth century) they use metal, presumably because this is classy in some sort of way pulp product can never hope to be.

But man, imagine for a moment that this company makes, like, you know, METAL invitations, with lightning-bolt script and skulls and shit everywhere. And they could be made out of metal too, but with really sharp edges, so you could also use them as ninja stars. As a matter of fact, that is how you would RSVP, by chucking the ninja stars at the return mailbox. That way the caterer or florist or whatever could get an accurate guest count from the safety of their car without having to directly interact with the sort of people who would distribute dangerous weapons to potential wedding guests. Their love is so badass. Best. Wedding. EVAR.

NEW FEATURE: Gmail sponsored links

When I first got my gmail account way back in the deeps of time, before even history was invented (sometime in 2004, I think), everyone's big thing (read: JEALOUSY) was that Google would read your emails in order to target advertising at you! Nothing is private! GOOGLE WILL OWN YOUR THOUGHTS AND DREAMS! Well, here was my sponsored link today:

Keep Pork off Your Fork - GoVeg.com - Check out our list of the Top 10 reasons not to eat pigs.

GOOGLE! YOU KNOW ME SO WELL! This isn't quite as good as the "keeper menstrual cup" ad from the other day (that I still don't know anything about and am afraid to investigate further), but it's right up there. Also, I get a lot of government grant ads because a lot of my emails contain the word "grant", probably because that is my parent-given "handle" which I use to sign off things like emails and phone calls and tax returns and stuff.

Also, every time I go to my spam folder and then back to my inbox the sponsored link is for a spam recipe! Ha ha ha! Google just poached a relevant keyword off of itself!! I wonder if I could buy a sponsored link that contains the word "inbox".