Wednesday, May 27, 2009

My May 27th Resolution is to write in my blog

Hey guys! Long time no talk at. Long time no use propositions to end sentences with. Did you miss me?


Recently I've been reading this blog called We Will All Go Simultaneous, so if all of a sudden I start making even less sense you can blame it on a dude named Crispin Best. But seriously, you should check out his super awesomely great Ninja Turtle flash fiction. If you don't cry a little from laughing at Raphael's bit, I might not be able to renew our friendship contract. Times are tight, people.

* * *

I found this mysterious slip of paper in my desk at work last week:

What could this list possibly be about? Why did I keep it? Did I misspell "Mercer", or is that intentional? It sounds like Past Grant is in trouble and that Present Grant will have to embark on a National Treasure fan fiction adventure before my hand dissolves. Who's with me?

Seriously, though. What?

* * *

I found this on a bathroom wall:

At first I thought this guy was encouraging the use of quotes over phallic imagery for effective bathroom expression, but now I think he might be being sarcastic. It's amazing how good literature can really make you think.

* * *

Check out how my coworker is going to handle a zombie attack:

Man, that's so good. I can't wait until I'm a zombie.

* * *

Check out this awesome baconolli my sister and Way-Lon and Chris and Booster Seat and I made a few weeks back:

The baconolli is draped around a foil-clad Vitamin R can:

The baconolli is cooked with some baco bodyguards:

After being gingerly removed from its aluminum scaffolding, the baconolli is used as a wonderous kaleidoscope that displays an ever-shifting menagerie of sparkling grease beads and carbonized bits of pig:

The baconolli receives a new heart of egg and cheese and stuff:

And then it gets eaten.

* * *

I'm so glad it's flip-flop weather FINALLY.

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

Man VS Machine

Okay, so I just took a little stroll to the ol' neighborhood QFC because I'm sick and I need my friggin' juice. I bought two cans of frozen juice concentrate (one is pink lemonade, the other is strawberry orange mango, in case you are interested)(of course you are). After I paid I headed out of the store with zombie-like determination and pace, because being sick really brings me to the top of my zombie game. But because I was so out of it and not really paying attention to anything except for imagining how much fun I'm going to have with my juice when I get home, I failed to execute the very important ceremonial pre-automatic-door pause! Usually I am very dependable when it comes to the ancient tradition wherein a human must pause and visually acknowledge the infinite wisdom and majesty of the automatic door in token of respect before entering within and plucking Doritos and PBR from its insides. But this time my unfortunate lack of piety caused the automatic door to become displeased with my lack of reverence, and I slammed right into it! I dropped one of my juices, and then as I was trying to catch it I dropped my other juice, and then the door opened. And then the manager, who was talking to the florist lady, asked me if I needed help out, but I said no, because I'm pretty sure I could handle two juices, but from the looks in their eyes they did not share my optimism. Anyway, I grabbed my little juicies from where they had rolled and tried to leave, but then the door tried to close on me! In the future, when archeologists and scientists try to piece together this important story, they will probably come to the logical conclusion that my juice had rolled too far off to the side so that the automatic door sensor did not register my attempted exit, but I know the truth. The Automatic Doors are displeased and shamed by me. From now on I will probably have to wait until someone else is coming in or out before I can slip quietly into the hallowed halls of the Interbay Quality Food Center to hunt for the wild pepperoni that sustains me.

Also, here is a chant from the classic San Francisco zombie march a few years ago:
"What do we want?"
"When do we want them?"

UPDATE: This is the most important video in the history of time:

If laughter truly is the best medicine, I think I just cured my cold, and 50 cancers.

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

it turns out that I AM capable of self-editing

Okay, so I was just diligently composing a comprehensive post about the debilitating writer's block that I've been dealing with for a couple of weeks, which has annoyingly extended into every corner of my life, but then somehow against my will it became a super long gripe about the etiquette associated with sharing things you find on the internet. I guess the secret to overcoming writer's block is to be really crotchety and bitter about something trivial!

So I'm going to go ahead and give myself some kudos and some candy for not actually subjecting you all to it. Thanks! And you're welcome.

Also, I promised my sister that I'd post pictures of this awesome bacon tube that we cooked the other night, but I only have the "before" pictures at the moment, so I'll get right on that as soon as I get the "after" pictures from Booster Seat. Also, Dramatic LEGO Reenactments are slowly coming along. End of update.