Baco 2.0

Here is a list of things you were wrong about today:

1. Thinking there is nothing better than the original baco.
2. Thinking, "I bet nobody is going to call me out on a blog for being wrong about something today."
   

But don't feel bad; we're all wrong sometimes. Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you THE BACO 2.0 EXPERIENCE:



Those bacon rays that your eyes just hungrily slurped off of your computer screen are but a tiny slice of the glory that is the Baco 2.0 Experience.

Okay, so these bacos were actually made, like, years ago [ed note: 2 months ago]. I posted about the "haco" a day or two later with the intention of creating a heaving sea of baco demand into which I would hurl these salty morsels of awesomeness to be devoured in a frenzy of orgasmic delight, but in a spectacular display of Dramatic Buildup FAIL, I totally forgot. [INSERT SAD EMOTICON OF YOUR CHOICE HERE]. This is the baco-blogging equivalent of waiting behind a couch to jump out and scare your roommate when they get home, but then accidentally falling asleep, and then freaking out when they wake you up to ask why you are sleeping behind the couch and if you intend on paying rent at some point. Sort of.

Anyway, here is a note on baco pronunciation:

baco ba·co [bah-koh]
noun
Success embodied and carved into a convenient hand-sized package of glory.

See, it's not "bake-o", it is "bah-koh", got it? You know, like a taco. A taco BUT WITH A BACON SHELL! Here is a rhyme you may use to help you with this pronounciation: "Crumble crumble little taco, don't you wish you were a baco?" Also you may use this classic: "One, two, buckle my taco/ three, four, give me a baco."

Anyway, as you probably all know, Baco 1.0 was an exciting journey into the wide and uncharted frontiers of baconspace, and resulted in unexpected but well-deserved success. Team Baco 2.0 applied the knowledge and experience gleaned from this adventure and sought to refine and improve the baco, specifically by putting other kinds of awesome crap in it.

Baco 1.0 was a simple affair: Iceberg lettuce, crumbled blue cheese, and more bacon. A logical next step was some sort of Breakfast Baco-- a hat-tip, if you will, to the traditional morning role of bacon. But beyond that was a limitless expanse of possibility, like an untouched field of fresh snow, just asking for you to mess it up by running through it. I was a little overwhelmed, so I asked my friend Hillary of haiku judging fame for advice. You will meet the gifted and well-behaved children of our brainstorms below, but first I suppose I should offer a quick primer of the baco process:

Step 1: Gather bacon and other ingredients:



Step 2: Weave a mat of bacon and dreams:

Step 3: Cut the mat into a circle (this is an optional but recommended step for larger bacos):



Step 4: Drape the bacon mat (the "Proto-Baco") over stainless steel baco mold:

Step 5: Bake. Remove from oven. Let cool. You are an artist, and this is your canvas:



But what do you put in the baco? Here are some Baco 2.0 Experience recipe suggestions, carefully engineered and tested for your enjoyment:

The Breakfast Baco (pictured above, but here it is again):

Ingredients:
Maple-bacon Baco shell
Creamy scrambled egg
Basil
Sun-dried tomato
Mozzerella
Bacon

The Greek Baco (with blur-tastic photo! Bacos make even light greasy):

Ingredients:
Baco shell
Seasoned ground lamb
cucumber
Assorted olives
Feta cheese
Sun-dried tomato
Greek yogurt

The Caprese Baco (with unfortunate baco shell structural failure):

Ingredients:
Baco shell
Mozzerella
Tomato
Olive oil
Basil

Rosemary Baco (not pictured. GASP!):
Ingredients:
Baco shell
Chorizo sausage
Rosemary sprigs
Brie

Can I get a drumroll, please? It needs to be the most epic of all drumrolls. The prophesy speaks of a Chosen Drumroll: A lone drumroll born amidst a galestorm of anticipation and raised by a pack of lightning bolts, who will one day come forth blazing across a snare carved from the inaccessible peaks of excitement, heralding the coming of all excellence. It is time for the prophesy to be fulfulled:

THE ULTIMATE BACO:


Ingredients:
Pepper-bacon Baco shell
Lettuce
Scrambled egg
Seasoned ground lamb
Greek yogurt
Basil
Feta cheese
Sun-dried tomato
Mozzarella
Watermelon (yes, for reals. We pull no punches.)
Cucumber
Crumbled blue cheese
Pepperoncini
Grilled onion
Rosemary
Olives
Brie
Blue cheese salad dressing
Chorizo sausage
More bacon

PRODUCT: Ultimate Baco.
REVIEW: Ultimate Awesome.

If you thirst for more photos of Bacosploitation, here are some more: [link to Baco 2.0 Album]. If you are still thirsty after you have viewed the photos it is probably because of all of the salt your eyes just absorbed, and you should probably grab a drink.

You are welcome.

some non-1 number of things

Okay, one more thing (besides that lie. ZING! Crap, that "zing" does not count toward my Thing Count either, okay).

New slogan for Bac-Log: "5% punchline, 85% boring setup, 12% not good with percentages."

Oh man, this reminds me that I meant to do a product review of Rockstar Juiced Guava Energy Drink that I had at a picnic a few weeks ago:

PRODUCT: Rockstar Juiced Guava Energy Drink
REVIEW: Tastes like 3 packages of grape Kool-aid powder mixed with 16oz of Sprite and 4 pounds of sugar. Evidently this particular product example contains 4 times the strength of the "single size/single strength" product.

Dear Rockstar,

I am writing to inform you that your "70% Juice/100% Energy" beverage appears to be 70% too big for the supplied three spacial dimensions of our universe. This may be a safety hazard, and I am worried about the possible detrimental affects on my houseplants and future children. Please find a bigger reality for your product. Also, could you please send me a new stomach lining to replace the one that your product vaporized? I take men's size 4 or 4½ stomach linings.

Love,
Grant V Laine, Concerned Citizen.

Oooh, can someone make me a pie-chart of the advertised contents of Rockstar Juiced Guava Energy Drink? I wonder if that will melt Microsoft Excel.

Speaking of pie chart:

That is all. For accounting purposes I am going to consider this all to be one thing.

Product review: Pro-abstinence sweatpants.

My friend Ian's friend Molly (the same degree of separation as I am from Kevin Bacon, although not the famous actor Kevin Bacon, but rather my friend Sara's boss who is also named Kevin Bacon. ANYWAY, I guess my point is Molly = Kevin Bacon) sent Ian a link to this product to review:

PRODUCT: Piper and Blue Junior's Crop Pant with "True Love Waits" graphic available at Kmart
REVIEW: If worn as directed, this product is 100% effective at preventing sex, including premarital sex. Also, according to the online promotional literature, this product features elastic cuffs and is imported.

Is it just me, or from afar does it kind of look like these pants celebrate the gravelly-voiced music stylings of Tom Waits? This is appropriate, since Tom Waits is the Kmart abstinence-only sweatpants of music.

I wrote a review on Kmart's website, but apparently it may take up to 72 hours to post, which makes me think someone is going to read it before publishing the review. If this is the case, I put the probability of it actually getting posted at about 15%. On the off chance it does get published, look for the review by "Falcor" ("Grant" and "Falcon" were already taken as review nicknames, so what choice did I have?)

UPDATE:

Since beginning to write this review, the following events have unfolded:

• I use one of our BABE Rally team email addresses to register on Kmart's website, which I forgot was set up to auto-forward to all of my teammates, which causes me to have to explain to Kyle that the reason he is getting Kmart spam juice all over his inbox is because I am writing a review of pro-abstinence sweatpants.
• I have a cup of coffee.
• I have to make a couple of phone calls at work.
  
• Ian informs me that not only does Kevin "Molly" Bacon want credit for finding this magnificent product, also Kevin Bacon's roommate, Claire, wants credit. Then I start thinking about the staggering size of this world where someone is more degrees of separation away from me than Kevin Bacon is, and I suddenly feel lonely and small.
• I nick some candy from my coworker.
• I have another cup of coffee.
• Kmart still hasn't published my review. SIGH.

UPDATE:

Evidently my review has successfully navigated the murky passages of the Kmart online review process, and against all rational hope has been posted. Hurrah!

Product review: Chocolate Mix Skittles.

PRODUCT: Chocolate Mix Skittles
REVIEW: If you eat a big handful at once, it tastes like a Tootsie Roll.

Here is the standard conversation associated with Chocolate Mix Skittles:
Person 1: Hey! Would you like some NEW Chocolate Mix Skittles™?
Person 2: You mean M&Ms?
Person 1: No, um, Skittles. It says Skittles on the bag.
Person 2: Oh... huh.
Person 1: Yeah.
Person 2: ...
Person 1: ...
Person 2: ...
Person 1: ...
Person 2: No thank you.

NEW FEATURE: Product Review

PRODUCT: Bird Platter by IBride.
REVIEW: HAHAHA