Wednesday, April 1, 2009


I have been to many obscure little villages in Alaska over the last few years, and have gotten used to the sub-optimal conditions associated with going to obscure little Alaskan villages in the middle of winter. Which is why it is so exciting that my low expectations were so easily exceeded by the discovery that I can get internet here in Naknek! Sure, I have to trudge from my room through the icy winds to a little shack to plug my laptop into an ethernet cord that emerges mysteriously from a giant plywood box, but Hey!! Internet! ALSO: usually when I go to Alaska, I get unlimited free food, but only at designated mealtimes. But here, I get unlimited free food available ALL THE TIME! I have eaten at least one entire chicken, if that chicken was made entirely of eight other chicken's fried legs and had ranch dressing for blood, and also I ate his friend made entirely of jalapeno poppers and bacon.

Alaska is truly the land of magic.

However, as proven time and time again by every discipline of science and the greatest minds that history has ever known, unlimited free food and magic internet come at the cosmic price of being really freaking cold while you have to measure stuff. I had to survey this building today that was 8 degrees Fahrenheit inside with a windchill of -5. (The building is missing a wall, which happens to face the icy river along which the wind runs). I brought a cup of coffee from unlimited free breakfast, and I set it down for a bit while I took some measurements, and when I returned it was COMPLETELY FROZEN SOLID. Awesome. So cold.

ANYWAY, as I mentioned before, I have been really really busy with stuff, and when I get really really busy with stuff, I tend to "phone in" this blog, in the way you might, um, "phone in" life when you die. Which has been sad, because I was really very excited by the enormous response that we got for the Bac-Log Review Challenge 2008! As you probably know, the winner of the most awesome and applicable tagline was the esteem Ms. Sara Morrisson, from whose thoughtful and completely relevant review begat the mighty Titan of Slogandom, "Bac-Log: Possibly all an elaborate inside joke, or maybe not." While fascinated that a full third of willing and/or wasted participants are apparently confused as to whether this blog is an inside joke or not, I am a little bit sad that my favorite of the bunch finished second: "Bac-Log: A tragic balance of severe witticism tempered with batches of the mundane that excruciatingly explores the nebulous realms of being vs. becoming". I think I like it so much because I don't really understand it and it uses big words and talks pretty and is full of smarts.

Actually, one thing I find interesting about the majority of people being uncertain as to the inside-jokiness of this crazy Bac-log contraption is that I totally feel the same way sometimes. If this really is an elaborate inside joke, I think I am totally on the outside.

Anyway, my original plan with this contest was to deploy another exciting poll full of various fabulous prizes for the winner. You see, this way the same people who chose the winner would also get to choose their ultimate fate, and you would all get drunk on your God-like power over the destiny of others, and I would be able to take advantage of your fate-controlling intoxication to hit you up for a drink or something. But since Sara won, and she is 3000 miles away, most of the fabulous prizes that I had been collecting or growing or killing would require expensive, and possibly illegal, cross-country shipping! So now I have to start from scratch on generating fabulous prizes which can either be pumped through internet pipes or magically materialized in New York. SIGH. I guess I'll have to work this into my intense unlimited free food eating schedule tomorrow somehow.

ALSO, before you go (right, because that's how blogging works), I thought of something that will be an exciting bonus prize in celebration of Sara's dominating slogan victory, and also make her slogan's uncertain implications come true. Starting today, every char-filtered, mountain-broiled, hand-fresh, cold-crafted Bac-Log single-serving, not-for-individual-resale blog entry will be concluded with-- wait for it-- AN INSIDE JOKE! [pause for gasps of surprise followed by sustained applause and excited laughter]. But wait, there's more: [more gasps followed by eager silence and one dude coughing. Geez, guy, get some cough drops]. Not only will I conclude every blog entry with an inside joke, to keep with the spirit of Sara's now-famous confusion, some of them wont even be real inside jokes! Hahahaha ha hhaa... ha ha... ha... [looks at shoes].



Laurel said...

Don't you mean Professor Cheesebag?

S.A.M. said...

wait, I thought it would at least be an inside joke I would be IN on???

S.A.M. said...

some fun bacon tips, including how to raise a pig:

bdoepker said...

While you were up in Palin-ville, some other baconaholics stole the limelight:

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