Okay, so I just took a little stroll to the ol' neighborhood QFC because I'm sick and I need my friggin' juice. I bought two cans of frozen juice concentrate (one is pink lemonade, the other is strawberry orange mango, in case you are interested)(of course you are). After I paid I headed out of the store with zombie-like determination and pace, because being sick really brings me to the top of my zombie game. But because I was so out of it and not really paying attention to anything except for imagining how much fun I'm going to have with my juice when I get home, I failed to execute the very important ceremonial pre-automatic-door pause! Usually I am very dependable when it comes to the ancient tradition wherein a human must pause and visually acknowledge the infinite wisdom and majesty of the automatic door in token of respect before entering within and plucking Doritos and PBR from its insides. But this time my unfortunate lack of piety caused the automatic door to become displeased with my lack of reverence, and I slammed right into it! I dropped one of my juices, and then as I was trying to catch it I dropped my other juice, and then the door opened. And then the manager, who was talking to the florist lady, asked me if I needed help out, but I said no, because I'm pretty sure I could handle two juices, but from the looks in their eyes they did not share my optimism. Anyway, I grabbed my little juicies from where they had rolled and tried to leave, but then the door tried to close on me! In the future, when archeologists and scientists try to piece together this important story, they will probably come to the logical conclusion that my juice had rolled too far off to the side so that the automatic door sensor did not register my attempted exit, but I know the truth. The Automatic Doors are displeased and shamed by me. From now on I will probably have to wait until someone else is coming in or out before I can slip quietly into the hallowed halls of the Interbay Quality Food Center to hunt for the wild pepperoni that sustains me.
Also, here is a chant from the classic San Francisco zombie march a few years ago:
"What do we want?"
"When do we want them?"
UPDATE: This is the most important video in the history of time:
If laughter truly is the best medicine, I think I just cured my cold, and 50 cancers.