NEW FEATURE: food coma

This is what is going through my brain right now: "uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhh.... uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhh... sooooooo... fuuuuullll". This is also what I just told my coworker.

On the plus side, I get the satisfaction of knowing that I just ate an entire chicken over a 24 hour period. And a bunch of valentine heart candies. Life is pretty good, except for the stomach pain and the sleepiness.

New title image and color changes!!

I am so busy today at work that I decided I needed to take a break and whip up a fancy title image for my blog. I used Gimp, which is an open-source image program that I just downloaded. I am not very good at it yet, as evidenced by the bacon guys, but I did figure out how to make a gradient, so I'm giving myself a "B-" for the day. Let me know what you think!

The house that Ruth built

So my friend Jason just referred to Yankee Stadium as "The House That Ruth Built", and it never really occurred to me how weird that is. I mean, it's not a house, it's a stadium. Was Babe Ruth born and raised in a giant stadium? Do people just think it's cute that when asked to build them a house he instead builds them a giant concrete donut with gross-out bathrooms and uncomfortable seating? What I want to know is, what would he build if asked to build a stadium? The answer is clearly:

NEW FEATURE: work sucks

Man, work is sucking this week, and thus the blogging has been and will continue to be light. To tide you over, may I present:

HOW HAVE I SURVIVED UNTIL NOW WITHOUT THIS? In the future, when aliens are carefully dusting off our bones and cataloging our artifacts, they will scratch their ovipositors with their proboscis in confusion and empathy upon identifying the horrible dark ages of humanity that predate the Col-pop.

BACON PIG!!

First off:

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Next up:

HA HA HA HA HA! Check out the all meat BACON PIG!!

NEW FEATURE: Complaining about Blogger

Hey Google- what's up with not showing some of my pictures? I hate you.

DISCLAIMER: No I don't, come back.

NEW FEATURE: regret

Man, I totally meant to take pictures of the awesome spread from yesterday's Superbowl party, but FAILED. *SIGH*. So instead I will have to recreate the majesty from memory, which was gradually saturated with 4 or 5 beers.

• Kyle H and Meghan provided many-layered dip (it may have been 9-layered if he took my advice to include a layer of tears).
• Kyle S provided the best fucking chili I've ever had.
• Courtney provided the majestic bacon-wrapped lil' smokies.
• Vikram made some awesome nachos.
• Lisa made some awesome fried eggplant and some delicious chicken stuff.
• Brian G rolled with some kick-ass spanish rice.
• I don't really remember what Adrienne and Reid brought, but it was probably delicious.
• Julie stopped by just long enough to deposit some chocolate-covered rice treats that I totally binged on something horrible.
• Who made that chive-y artichoke dip in the breadbowl? That was freaking delicious.
• I think Other Brian brought the seasoned french-bread stuff, which was awesome. Or maybe that was what Reid and Adrienne brought, and Other Brian brought the chicken stuff? Who knows. All I know is that there was not enough room in my stomach.
• And I brought a plate of brownies, of which I tested many before contributing.

All in all, it was AWESOME. I probably ate too much bread with the artichoke spread and lil' smokies which led to inefficiency with the other items, but I got a taste of everything at least. I could really go for another shot at that awesome Texas chili and some more of BRG's spanish rice right about now. Also, I just couldn't stop eating those chocolate covered rice krispy treats.

Also, I had a go at this beer called Miller Chill, which has a lime-y taste built in:

Also it is apparently "Chelada-style", and I have no idea what that means. Is it like some sort of enchilada? What the hell? Even after 4 Rainier's it was a little much at first, but toward the end I think I started to warm up to it. I felt I had to try it in order to continue my fun-making of those others who were drinking it.

There should be a Superbowl food party EVERY SUNDAY.

WHAAAA?! Pancakes and sausage ON A STICK (with chocolate chips, of course)

I think in this case the number "14" refers to minutes of eating until heart failure.

WHAAAA! Sandwich tower of amazement!

I don't think I've ever wanted anything more in my entire life. This sandwich artist has molded my dreams into a tower of meat. It's like looking into a window of my soul. A window of meat.

NEW FEATURE: Gmail sponsored links

When I first got my gmail account way back in the deeps of time, before even history was invented (sometime in 2004, I think), everyone's big thing (read: JEALOUSY) was that Google would read your emails in order to target advertising at you! Nothing is private! GOOGLE WILL OWN YOUR THOUGHTS AND DREAMS! Well, here was my sponsored link today:

Keep Pork off Your Fork - GoVeg.com - Check out our list of the Top 10 reasons not to eat pigs.

GOOGLE! YOU KNOW ME SO WELL! This isn't quite as good as the "keeper menstrual cup" ad from the other day (that I still don't know anything about and am afraid to investigate further), but it's right up there. Also, I get a lot of government grant ads because a lot of my emails contain the word "grant", probably because that is my parent-given "handle" which I use to sign off things like emails and phone calls and tax returns and stuff.

Also, every time I go to my spam folder and then back to my inbox the sponsored link is for a spam recipe! Ha ha ha! Google just poached a relevant keyword off of itself!! I wonder if I could buy a sponsored link that contains the word "inbox".

WHAAAA?! Meat-case

Another WHAAAA via Dethroner, the MEAT-CASE!!!

I am ASHAMED at how rustic and unlearned my meat transportation ways are, now that I have seen the meat conveyance techniques of the meat aristocracy (meatocracy? aristocrameat?)

Oh, how handy this would be! I can't count the number of times I've had a meatmergency on the road, or at work, where this would have saved countless whines and general meatless discomfort. Also, I bet cleaning this thing is REALLY FUN. I wonder if there will be different sizes available at some point? I'd like to have this larger meatmergency kit in my home, but it would be nice to have a glove-box sized case for roadmeatmergencies.

I know it's early and not all votes are counted, but I feel confident in awarding this product the "1th place" trophy for "meat product most likely to cure cancer"

Congratulations, meatcase!!

Also, this quote is really awesome

“I’m not a terrorist. I just get really hungry for meat when I’m in the air.”

Ha ha ha ha ha

WHAAA?! Canned Bacon!

Okay, so apparently K-Mart used to sell canned bacon!! I for one can't see the reason behind discontinuing such an awesome product, but leave it to K-Mart to maniacally deny us the wholesome satisfaction made possible only through strips-of-pig-in-a-can.

www.canned-bacon.com is a website dedicated to keeping the memory of this majesty alive. Also, they have awesome can-opening-porn. Here is a picture of a tube of bacon removed from a 20-year-old can:

Ha ha ha ha, I am so torn between desire and disgust that I might split in two, and become that much closer to being can-able myself.

Apparently some brave organization is working hard to bring this love back into the world. It can't come too soon.