Thursday, October 16, 2008

Kevin Bacon correspondence report

Check out this card I got from Kevin Bacon:

Ba-dum-CHING! But seriously, why would the "good ones" be bacon? In this hypothetical society in which pigs are able to enjoy fine dining and afford prescription eyewear, why would having your fatty underside become strips of delicious meat to be eaten by others be seen as a desireable attribute in a partner? Also: why are the male pigs naked? I am going to go ahead and click "unsubscribe" on this society's newsletter.

The human equivalent of this card would be pretty funny though: Two ladies are sitting at a tiny table in a very spacious and gaudy restaurant, surrounded by naked men. One lady complains to her friend, "I just can't find a man." Her friend replies, "yeah, all the good ones harvested for food. I don't have much hope for the continuance of our civilization."

Anyway, suppose you are taking a literal interpretation of this tome of knowledge and suddenly feel insecure about your qualifications as a mate. DO NOT WORRY! Kevin Bacon has included a blueprint of a practical solution to your horrible "I am not bacon" problem (you will probably need to click on the picture to enlarge):

Of course!!! By wearing this stylish garb you essentially become bacon! Also, please note Kevin Bacon's excellent attention to detail and nod your head approvingly.

By introducing a problem that no one knew they had and then offering a solution that involves making a bacon suit, I feel Kevin Bacon deserves some points. Here is a breakdown of the point distribution:
  • Olive buttons: .25 points
  • Bacon Fedora: .5 points
  • Apollo 13: .5 points
  • "elegant yet breathable summer-weight suit": .5 points
  • Vest to compensate for the inherent lack of precision of the material: .75 points
TOTAL: 2.5 points

You might think 2.5 points seems cheap, but I prefer to think of my miserly point distributions as "frugal and responsible". In case you are interested, here are the updated scores:

BRG: 1225 points
Chester Copperpot: 5 points
Kevin Bacon: 2.5 points
[other people]: 0-10 points
Kyle: -5 points

Good job, everyone! Keep up the good work.

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