Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Midget Finger Dream

Okay, so usually every week or so I hang out with my friend Laura to absorb some delicious TV rays with my eyeballs and and to absorb some delicious beer and pizza rays with my tummy. Usually we focus our TV absorbing capacity on soaking up Buffy the Vampire Slayer, because it has so many great fashion tips, and is an amazingly realistic portrayal of high school life in a high school in which five or six students mysteriously die every day. The other day, however, when I was doing my usual digging through her stuff when she's not looking, I discovered that she had a couple of Netflix movies. One was called "The Number 23", and the plot blurb on the back sounded reasonably interesting, so we decided to temporary suspend our Buffy consumption for an evening and watch that instead.

Um, I don't actually remember much about the movie after beer #5 or so (5 = 2+3, TWENTY THREE! IT IS EVERYWHERE AND IS A CURSE! [That is an inside joke for those who have seen the movie]). But after the movie Laura was like, "man, that movie reminded me of this intense lucid dream that I had the other day. I haven't had a dream like that since the Midget Finger Dream. So that scene where--"

I think she was going to say something about her Number 23 Fan Fiction Dream, or whatever it was she was talking about, but at this point I demanded instant clarification as to this mysterious Midget Finger Dream. "Is Midget Finger Dream a dream in which you explore a reality similar to our own except you have midget fingers?" I asked.

"No, in Midget Finger Dream I am captured by midgets in a cave and escape by biting the fingers off of my captors. But anyway, so in this other dream--"

"Why are you in a cave? Did the midgets take you there?" I ask.

"No, we go into the cave seeking some sort of treasure, which is guarded by the midgets," she replies.

"We? Who are you with?"

"Indiana Jones. Indiana Jones and I are looking for some sort of treasure and get captured by midgets and to escape I bite the fingers off of a midget. Anyway--"

"How did you get captured?"

"I don't remember."

"Was it your fault? I bet it was your fault."

"Listen, I don't remember, okay? Somehow we get captured by midgets, because it there was a trap or something. It's not important. What's important is--"

"How does Indiana Jones escape? Does he also munch on some midget fingers, or does he escape in a much more clever and badass way?"

"Actually, um, I don't think Indiana Jones escapes," Laura admits somewhat reluctantly. "I think the midgets get him."

"What?! Do you try to save him, or send help or something?"

"Uh, no, but it's not that simple, like, I'm busy escaping and I think he would probably understand."

"Okay, so you get Indiana Jones captured by midgets and then you just run away without ever trying to save him?"

"Hey, this dream is about ME escaping from midgets, okay? Indiana Jones just happens to be in it. How about you just forget about the Indiana Jones thing."

"After you escape, do you at least feel bad about leaving Indiana Jones to get eaten by midgets?"

"Um, well, usually I don't make it too far before I wake up. Once, though, I almost made it out of the cave and could actually feel the sun on my face before I woke up."

"Usually? This is a recurring dream? How many times have you had it?"

"Maybe once a week or so since I was 10."

"I bet you have it when you regret something," I theorize.

"Like inviting you over?" She replies.

MIDGET FINGER DREAM: A recurring dream in which you and Indiana Jones are captured by midgets while treasure hunting and you escape by biting the fingers off of your captors, and as you are running away maybe you will turn toward Indiana Jones and see his outstretched hand asking for help, but you just ignore it and keep running. It is also now the gold standard by which all other recurring Indiana Jones guilt dreams will be measured.

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