Monday, February 9, 2009

past A-Rod just ruined future Christmas for everyone

Okay, so apparently Alex Rodriguez, a baseball player for the New York Yankees baseball squadron of Major League Baseball, took illegal baseball steroids in 2003 and is now RUINING THE ENTIRE 2009 BASEBALL SEASON FOR EVERYONE. Amazing! In addition to being an elite baseball player, A-Roid also invented time travel, and then used his new and limitless power for evil! If only the press would have been nicer to him, and people would have loved him more, maybe he would not have had to do this to us. We dug our own graves when we accidentally called him "ass-rod" six years ago, and then accidentally kept calling him "ass-rod". And by "dug our own graves" I mean "dug graves for our childlike wonder and enjoyment for watching baseball for the entire 2009 baseball season".

Alex Rodriguez is now batting 1.000/1.000/4.000 with RISP in situations where he can RUIN THE FUTURE, which is why he is "Mr. Clutch".

Here is a sample 2-year curriculum for becoming a baseball writer:
Year 1 Q1:
5cr: Overreacting 101
5cr: Exaggerating 101
5cr: Nostaglia applications 110
15 credits total

Year 1 Q2:
5cr: Overreacting 102
5cr: Exaggerating 102
5cr: Hating statistics 200
15 credits total

Year 1 Q3:
5cr: Overreacting 103
5cr: Exaggerating 103
5cr: Substituting "grittiness" for talent when evaluating baseball players that you like but who suck at the game of baseball 101
15 credits total

Year 2 Q1:
5cr: Sucking up 101
4cr: Sucking 300
3cr: Chemistry 101
3cr: Team chemistry 300
15 credits total

Year 2 Q2:
5cr: Overreacting and Exaggerating 401
3cr: Loving Sammy Sosa then Hating Sammy Sosa then Forgetting About Sammy Sosa 200
3cr: Baseball as a metaphor for Life 301
4cr: Choosing unflattering photos to accompany slanderous articles 101
15 credits total

Year 2 Q3:
5cr: Memorizing old baseball players other people seem to like 300
5cr: Quantum Mechanics 407
3cr: Baseball as a metaphor for Life 302
2cr: Smugness 101
15 credits total

90 total credits required for graduation

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