Thursday, June 5, 2008

Product review: Pro-abstinence sweatpants.

My friend Ian's friend Molly (the same degree of separation as I am from Kevin Bacon, although not the famous actor Kevin Bacon, but rather my friend Sara's boss who is also named Kevin Bacon. ANYWAY, I guess my point is Molly = Kevin Bacon) sent Ian a link to this product to review:

PRODUCT: Piper and Blue Junior's Crop Pant with "True Love Waits" graphic available at Kmart
REVIEW: If worn as directed, this product is 100% effective at preventing sex, including premarital sex. Also, according to the online promotional literature, this product features elastic cuffs and is imported.

Is it just me, or from afar does it kind of look like these pants celebrate the gravelly-voiced music stylings of Tom Waits? This is appropriate, since Tom Waits is the Kmart abstinence-only sweatpants of music.

I wrote a review on Kmart's website, but apparently it may take up to 72 hours to post, which makes me think someone is going to read it before publishing the review. If this is the case, I put the probability of it actually getting posted at about 15%. On the off chance it does get published, look for the review by "Falcor" ("Grant" and "Falcon" were already taken as review nicknames, so what choice did I have?)

UPDATE:

Since beginning to write this review, the following events have unfolded:
  • I use one of our BABE Rally team email addresses to register on Kmart's website, which I forgot was set up to auto-forward to all of my teammates, which causes me to have to explain to Kyle that the reason he is getting Kmart spam juice all over his inbox is because I am writing a review of pro-abstinence sweatpants.
  • I have a cup of coffee.
  • I have to make a couple of phone calls at work.
  • Ian informs me that not only does Kevin "Molly" Bacon want credit for finding this magnificent product, also Kevin Bacon's roommate, Claire, wants credit. Then I start thinking about the staggering size of this world where someone is more degrees of separation away from me than Kevin Bacon is, and I suddenly feel lonely and small.
  • I nick some candy from my coworker.
  • I have another cup of coffee.
  • Kmart still hasn't published my review. SIGH.
UPDATE:

Evidently my review has successfully navigated the murky passages of the Kmart online review process, and against all rational hope has been posted. Hurrah!

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

You're review has been put up. I didn't realize you had such chubby ankles. But I would recommend the pink ones if you're allergic to yellow...

Grant said...

Oh yes, the chubbiness of my ankles is legendary. "There goes chubby-ankled Grant", they all say. "Where do you think he's going with those chubby ankles and striking pro-abstinence sweatpants?"

Wouldn't you like to know.

Okay, I think a new personal goal should be to not post comments while drunk. Starting tomorrow.