Friday, June 6, 2008

Gift idea:

The intersection of expansive technology and the chaotic oven of culture has produced the language of the internet, which culminates at this exact moment with this exact picture. This is what is truly meant by "OMG". I can't be sure at the moment, but I don't think I've ever wanted to put an entire car in my mouth more than I do right now. Also, I'm squealing on the inside, and maybe a little on the outside.

I think on the first day I own this car I am going to attach a cardboard tube to the top and drive it through the mud so it looks like a candied apple. Then I'll probably run some errands with it.

The second day I own this car I am going to paint some numbers on it and see if anyone on my block wants to play "car billiards" with me. If not, I guess I'll have to play "car dodgeball" with them instead.

The third day I own this car I will begin construction of my gumball-machine garage and go to the bank to get a bunch of quarters so I can drive it whenever I want.

The forth day I own this car I'll probably sleep in a little bit and take it easy, maybe watch a movie or something. Do some laundry.

By the fifth day I hope to have thought of a good superhero persona that matches the car so it makes more sense when I try to fight crime in it. My ideas right now are Sour Apple Man, The Greenthumb, and Normal-Looking Guy With An Adorable Round Car Man. In all cases I will fight crime using the lethal combination of my Green River Community College 1-Credit Karate Class skillz and my superior stapling and collating skillz.

I've been trying to find out more about this precious dollop of automotive excellence, but so far the image search terms "adorable gumball car" and "waaaaaant" have not produced any relevant results. Maybe someone has some time at work today for some intense internet research? As a reward for substantial information I will short-list you on my sidekick application. As my sidekick, Quarter Man (or Woman), your primary duties will be to release the crime-fighting car from the secret gumball-machine garage, occasionally hold my Big Gulp if it doesn't fit in provided cupholders, and feed me fries if I'm busy driving. However, you will NOT be allowed to choose the crime-fighting music. Also, you will dress like a butler.

UPDATE: Jason (also here, here, and here) sacrificed airline maintenance programming for the greater good and found this:

You know, the ability to eject panels off of the crime-fighting car is actually a very useful feature just in case you are trying to catch a criminal who is riding a bicycle behind you. Although I was initially disappointed by the vegetable representation, I have to say that "Bicycle-riding Criminal, looks like you just got PEA'd-on," is a pretty great one-liner.


Jason said...

Because aviation safety is NO WHERE NEAR as important as this magnificent invention, allow me to educate you.

The car you mentioned is the Birds-eye "Frozen Pea" car. So not only will this car save the world, it also is an exciting way to trick kids into eating peas!

Molly said...

Well, I'm glad someone found it. For my part, I tried searching "green car" on Google Image to no particular avail, but I DID turn up this amazing companion vehicle for your superhero cohort, Photosynthesis Man:

Grant said...

I think Photosynthesis Man would be a valuable cohort for those situations that I could not staple or collate my way out of, and instead would have to rely on Plan B, which is usually to convert light energy into starch in order to escape. Thanks Photosynthesis Man! Let me buy you a drink and some frozen peas sometime.