Wednesday, August 27, 2008

[guest post] confessions of an omnivore

This is a guest post from Admiral Kyle A. Heenk, who sometimes we call Heenkypants, Special K, or the Flying Dutchman, all of which he really likes and he wishes people would call him those more. He is also the author of the best license plate frame ever, which will be available soon for your purchase. (All proceeds will go directly to purchasing scotch whiskey and pipe tobacco.)

As the title suggests, I've been keeping a secret for a while that I can't keep to myself any longer. I might not have ever shared it with anyone had it not been for this guest blogging opportunity. A food themed blog seems like the best place to air this particular laundry, as it is edible laundry in a way. In the metaphorical way. Not in the edible panties way. Anyway, a little background for those less familiar with my eating habits…

There are few things on this earth that I enjoy more than eating me some pie. Pies of all varieties and qualities, I'm a happy camper. If I had a car, I would have a license plate, and if I had a license plate I would have a license plate frame and if I had a license plate frame it would read: I'D RATHER BE EATING PIE or perhaps instead it would read: MY WORST DAY EATING PIE STILL BEATS MY BEST DAY FISHING.

I am a lover of all kinds of pie: Sweet Potato, Apple, Peach, Lemon Meringue… I could go on and on. There is something about a buttery tender crust wrapped lovingly around a puddle of sweet delicious goop that makes my heart go a-flutter. Or maybe that's the cholesterol? It matters not. For breakfast, there is no better way to kick start a day than heading out the door with nice cup of coffee and a couple slices of Pecan, Pumpkin, or any of the countless other portable pies suitable for eating "pizza style".

Goodness, I'm out of breath. What was my point again? Ah yes, the ugly secret. There is one variety of pie that I can not and will not eat. A pie that seems to have ALL the qualities I love about pie plus it has MEAT. INSIDE. THE PIE. Alas, the result is indeed less than the sum of it's parts, for…

Chicken Pot Pie might be the most disgusting thing I've ever eaten in my life.

I don't even know where to start with this. Sure, meat + pie is a good start. But oh the execution! What is all that liquidy stuff in there that burns my mouth EVERY TIME? What is a PIE doing burning my mouth anyway? Is the crust supposed to be all soggy like that? Why are there so many peas? I like peas, but COME ON. The essence of pie is to be packed to the effing gills with goodness… filled with delicious until it is on the verge of literally bursting. PEAS DO NOT CUT IT. Peas are the Seattle Mariners of food. A shocking number of people claim to enjoy them and spend money on them, but you are shocked to find later that they can't name more than 3 players and one of them wasn't even a player he was the manager like 5 YEARS AGO, another is a player who left the team like 8 YEARS AGO and all you know about him is that you are required to dislike him intensely, and OH MY GOD DID YOU JUST SAY WILLIE BLOOMQUIST IS YOUR FAVORITE PLAYER?! DID YOU NOT NOTICE THAT BESIDES BEING FROM BREMERTON HIS ONLY OTHER QUALITY IS THAT HE IS THE WORST PLAYER IN THE HISTORY OF BASEBALL?

I'm not really sure where I was going with this, but I feel better now. Thanks for reading.

1 comment:

Ian said...

Kyle, I love the way you've arranged all these words! One thought though - if you squint your eyes just so, especially with the light of the late afternoon sun in the far horizon, does not Willie Bloomquist himself in person resemble one of those same peas that occupies the world's lesser pie which you so deride? And would that not, perhaps, be his THIRD inherent quality? I leave it to you to decide.