Prepare for the awesoming

Okay gang,

This is now my 6th attempt at deploying Bac-log Novel Idea Contest CHALLENGE 2008™. The other 5 attempts ended up not making any sense. THIS BODES WELL FOR MY NOVEL.

Here's the deal: NaNoWriMo starts tomorrow. I am going to write a 50,000 word novel in 30 days. This is going to be hard, but you've all seen my top-notch pointless rambling skillz. I think I can do this.

The primary reason that I am invoking the Bac-log Novel Idea Contest CHALLENGE 2008™ is because I am a junkie for reader participation and encouragement. However, I think the reason that I have had trouble getting it set up is that I'm not actually sure how Bac-log Novel Idea Contest CHALLENGE 2008™ should work. If I bribe you all for ideas with fabulous prizes, would you actually want to wade through 175 pages of crap to see me butcher your innocent and well-meaning gem of inspiration? Probably not. And what's the point of carefully crafting an amazing story idea when you don't get to see it implemented, and all you get from your effort is endless glory or ice cream or jumping high-fives?

So I think it's going to work like this: Throughout the entire month, If you have an idea that you think I would like, please leave it in the comments of this post and I will reward you with a homemade postcard featuring either a recipe or a haiku or a recipe in haiku form. (You may also email or tell me in person, but you will not get the postcard. SPECIAL OFFER: the postcard may also be used as a coupon for one free game of Monopoly with me and Kyle. You will be the banker. Kyle and I will be drunk. Starcraft may be substituted for Monopoly. If Kyle is not available, Vik may be substituted for Kyle. We could also play Yahtzee. You will provide the Yahtzee. Scrabble will not be tolerated).

Anyway, IF I decide to use your little pearl of idea-ness in some way in my story, I will also reward you with a Bac-Log Brand™ Original Recipe fabulous prize. Prize will be determined by a poll of Bac-Log readers. (With the exception of constantly subjecting you all to my inflexible and uncontested point of view, Bac-Log is all about democracy). IN ADDITION to the aforementioned fabulous prize, I will also post an excerpt or description of how your idea was used so that you may cuddle with the resulting glory.

What qualifies as an idea, you might ask? Well, check out this sparkling gem that Kevin Bacon just selflessly offered to the cause:

I once told someone to write me a story based around a guy who works in a photo place and develops photos all day long. You can have that one if you want.

Hahaha, I seriously have no idea why I find this so funny. THESE ARE HOW LOW MY STANDARDS ARE. Here are some more ideas that I am going to make up on the spot to make you feel better about your own:

• Time traveling coffee cup finds love
• Time traveling toaster finds love
• Title: Dr Awesome's False Advertising Lawsuit
• Time traveling Barry Manilow finds Mani-love
• Somebody trips a lot
• Everyone is a robot except for one guy!!!!
• Can your story have unicorns or ferrets pls? thanx
• Every character is a mystery-solving butler
  
• Sexy international super-spies have a wacky house party and someone dies and they have to pretend they are still alive to win a large inheritance and also there is a talking dog.
• Jane Austin fan fiction
• Jane Austin fan fiction but everyone is a robot except for one guy!!!
• Sexy lazy blogger reveals himself as a superhero and fights crime and solves mysteries and throws crazy house parties.
• Time traveling food processor finds love.
• A list of the last 50,000 things I ate.
• Maintenance program engineer for major aerospace and defense corporation that rhymes exactly with "Boeing" uses his knowledge of airplane maintenance programs and fancy tea to solve mysteries.
• It is the 80s and the story takes place entirely on yachts.

You guys can do better than that! (And you will, or I will keep bugging you). GET TO IT.

Please?

Premium Quality Cornhole Bags.

Hey, it's been a while since I've had a good Gmail sponsored link. Gmail's ad engines must be getting more efficient.

Cornhole Bags $19.99/Set. - www.CornHoleShop.com - Premium Quality Cornhole Bags. Ready to Ship. Low price year round

Am I the only person who knows exactly one definition of "cornhole"? I don't think I am going to click on this link at work.

UPDATE: Here is some new information:

• My friend Laurel of Penguinbot fame (GO BUY STUFF THERE) informs me that in addition to cornhole bags, you can also get cornhole caddies.
• Courtney says cornholing is fun.
  
• Kyle says they cornhole on the streets in Chicago.

Bac-log: the novel

Hey, guess what month it is? [NO CHEATING, OK]

If you said "October", you get partial credit for being technically correct. If you said "whatever month is before November", you also get partial credit. If you said "August", you get partial credit for guessing what month I thought it was when I filled out my time card this morning. If you said "I'm hungry", you get partial credit for correctly identifying a basic human survival need. If you tried to figure out the answer by looking at the sun's relative position in the sky and arrived at "either Spring or early afternoon", you get partial credit for probably being either Jason or Kyle. If you said "almost NANOWRIMO, why?", you get full credit for the NaNoWriMo part, extra credit for identifying it as "almost", but then you lose the extra credit by being cocky. Nobody likes a showoff.

So anyways, National Novel Writing Month approacheth, and surfing on the crest of this incoming wave of destructively bad writing rides some of my very own Bac-Log Brand Extra-Strength Inane Babble™. That's right: 50,000 words of incomprehensible and poorly structured "writing" is haphazardously carving a swath of destruction from the future toward the present.

I first heard about this whole NaNoWriMo thing last year and made a quarter-ass effort to jump into the fray a week or two late [hint: not a good plan]. I seem to recall making it to about 2,000 words before realizing that my no-plot approach was, um, not getting anywhere (GO FIGURE). 2,000 words out of 50,000 is like defiantly throwing rocks at an approaching tank, except that I'm pretty sure there actually was no tank (I should check the FAQs again to make sure). So anyway, in retrospect I guess I just threw some rocks around and they are probably still lying around somewhere if someone wants to do some landscaping or something. POINT IS: I don't think I did it right.

At this point you are probably experiencing a creeping dread and nervously thinking, "oh geez, I knew this day would come eventually; Grant is going to make me proofread his novel." DO NOT WORRY-- before you try to tell me there was static in the internet or your cat ate the blog just think about one thing: if I really wanted to subject you to 50,000 words of pointless gibberish I would just start a blog called "Bac-log!" and you would be reading it right now.

Oh no, I do not expect anyone to actually consume the gelatinous word sausage that will be squeezed out of my braintubes into casings of literary intestine any more than I would expect someone to ride a roller coaster built by some guy who is "90% sure" he knows what a hammer is. Unless, of course, you actually want to (really? Eww). My purpose in pestering you today is to merely ask for a little bit of encouragement. Encouragement, and, um, maybe some novel ideas.

The encouragement part should be easy: Next time you see me, simply ask, "Hey Bac-log! How's that novel coming?" And I will be like, "it's going awesome, thank you for your asking-ness," and then we will exchange jumping high-fives and I will try to get you to buy me a beer. You see, in addition to being a valuable addition to our standard Fonzie-thumbs-up-gesture-followed-by-exploding-fist-jab greeting, the constant clamoring for updates will also give me reason to actually write the stupid novel.

The idea part is exactly like the encouragement part except with slightly less passive questioning and slightly more high-fiving, and also a lot more ideas. Now, I'm not asking for a full plot synopsis or a well-organized outline or anything so comprehensive (I can do that part, since, you know, I am the one writing the novel.) I am merely hoping to dig through some post-brainstorm debris, or riffle through scraps of characters or settings or inconsequential anecdotes or throw-away conversations to see if I can score anything valuable enough to sell back to the idea pawn shop for some idea booze money.

To grease the wheels (BREAKING NEWS: Bac-log's knock-off version of "grease the wheels" will now be called "wease the greels", because it sounds hilarious when you accidentally say it out loud at work).

Anyway, to wease the greels, brace yourselves for the incoming Bac-log Novel Idea Contest CHALLENGE 2008™! You know the drill: Prizes will be fabulous. Contest judging will be openly questioned. Tempers will flare. Friends will be made into enemies. Enemies will be made into friends. Friends will be made into slightly better friends. Bystanders will be made into loose acquaintances. Dogs and cats will live together. Problems will be solved. Problems might not be solved and we'll just agree to ignore them. Deadlines will be missed. Tears. Heroes will be made. Hands will be clapped. Rainbows will lead to magical unicorns instead of pots of gold and you guys will probably complain. Maybe the unicorns took it, OK? Geez. Nonsense will be made. However, this does not necessarily mean no nonsense will not be made. Metaphors will get lost in. Prepositions will be used to end sentences with. Sentence fragments. Ice cream.

(You know, standard Bac-log operating procedure.)

Thank you for your time and encouragement in advance! Stay tuned!

Kevin Bacon correspondence report

Check out this card I got from Kevin Bacon:


Ba-dum-CHING! But seriously, why would the "good ones" be bacon? In this hypothetical society in which pigs are able to enjoy fine dining and afford prescription eyewear, why would having your fatty underside become strips of delicious meat to be eaten by others be seen as a desireable attribute in a partner? Also: why are the male pigs naked? I am going to go ahead and click "unsubscribe" on this society's newsletter.

The human equivalent of this card would be pretty funny though: Two ladies are sitting at a tiny table in a very spacious and gaudy restaurant, surrounded by naked men. One lady complains to her friend, "I just can't find a man." Her friend replies, "yeah, all the good ones harvested for food. I don't have much hope for the continuance of our civilization."

Anyway, suppose you are taking a literal interpretation of this tome of knowledge and suddenly feel insecure about your qualifications as a mate. DO NOT WORRY! Kevin Bacon has included a blueprint of a practical solution to your horrible "I am not bacon" problem (you will probably need to click on the picture to enlarge):

Of course!!! By wearing this stylish garb you essentially become bacon! Also, please note Kevin Bacon's excellent attention to detail and nod your head approvingly.

By introducing a problem that no one knew they had and then offering a solution that involves making a bacon suit, I feel Kevin Bacon deserves some points. Here is a breakdown of the point distribution:

• Olive buttons: .25 points
• Bacon Fedora: .5 points
• Apollo 13: .5 points
  
• "elegant yet breathable summer-weight suit": .5 points
• Vest to compensate for the inherent lack of precision of the material: .75 points

TOTAL: 2.5 points

You might think 2.5 points seems cheap, but I prefer to think of my miserly point distributions as "frugal and responsible". In case you are interested, here are the updated scores:

BRG: 1225 points
Chester Copperpot: 5 points
Kevin Bacon: 2.5 points
[other people]: 0-10 points
Kyle: -5 points

Good job, everyone! Keep up the good work.

DQ Dead Zone™

Okay, remember that part in the legendary cinematic masterpiece Tomb Raider in which the gang is journeying to the arctic circle for some reason, and they enter a mysterious "dead zone" which inexplicably makes their vehicles and cellphones and handheld gaming devices cease to work, and also makes that one geeky dude whose sole purpose was that he had a laptop completely superfluous?

Either way, check out this map of Dairy Queen locations around Seattle:



If you and your rag-tag team of scantily-clad, death-defying adventurers were thinking about hunting for mysterious Illuminati relics in Ballard, be warned that entering the DQ Dead Zone™ will render your Blizzards and Peanut Buster Parfaits inoperable.

I first witnessed this stunning natural phenomenon several years ago when Admiral Heenkypants, BRG, and I undertook a long and dangerous mission to achieve $1 Blizzards. Despite our universal belief that we'd seen various Dairy Queens around town, we ended up all the way out in Woodinville before we could finally enjoy our invertible cups of frosty delight at special promotional prices.

This knowledge came in handy after Jason and I achieved ultimate revenge upon McClellan Butte a month or so ago, when on our way home Jason decided that he had a Blizzard-shaped hole in his tummy that needed to be appropriately and immediately filled. Fortunately, we had not yet breached the DQ Seattle Perimeter, an ancient defense designed to distract advancing invaders with delicous frozen treats, thus buying time for Seattle residents to escape to Bainbridge Island by riding on the backs of seals (city planning used to be much more comprehensive than it is now).

Anyway, I bring this up to let you all know that I finally distributed Taco's haiku prize ice cream the other day, so you can all finally sleep at night. However, if you are jumping to the conclusion that I must have taken him to Dairy Queen, you're wrong (the riveting Dairy Queen tale was just a diversion). We went to Molly Moons in Wallingford and got ourselves some delicious waffle cones. Taco tried to get them to put a sundae in the cone, but this was just too much to ask of the poor high schoolers toiling away in the middle-class salt mines of the service industry. I got salted caramel. It was delicious.

The end.

oh yeah... blogging

If you are wondering why I haven't posted anything since last Wednesday it is probably because of something you did. Way to ruin it for everyone.

Also I forgot.

But don't worry-- here is the exhaustive list of what happened in the last week:

• I ate a whole bunch of borscht.

Blogging is hard*.

You know what I think Bac-log needs right now (besides content)? Another contest! Everyone put your thinking hats and thinking scarves and thinking fingerless gloves on, because I feel a Contest Idea Contest coming on!

*super hard

Wednesday

This is where I thoughtfully rub my chin and nod with pretend understanding, then go home and cry in shame for not comprehending these important high-brow questions. Could I at least get the answers as multiple choice? I fear that I have no hope of ever entering this particular intellectual caste.

Also, urbandictionary's translation of "rugs on carpet" only creates more questions.