Tuesday, September 23, 2008


Okay, take a deep breath and, if possible, tightly hold the hand of someone you love.

Are you ready?

Guys, it turns out there were five mistakes in the movie Back To The Future!

But don't worry- these mistakes do not undermine this sacred movie's fundamental pillars of truth that we have built our entire society upon, namely TIME TRAVEL BY GOING 88MPH IN A DELOREAN and SLOWLY DISSOLVING HANDS and CRISPIN GLOVER and TIME TRAVEL BY GOING 88MPH IN A DELOREAN.

Plus I already have a plan for how to explain these minor flaws in my Miss Congeniality/Back To The Future cross-over fan fiction:

1. Darth Vader's hairdryer disappears because it is actually a hairdryer from 1988 that Doc Brown left in the DeLorean for some reason (read: shameless vanity), and since Marty's unrepentant and irresponsible meddling with the space-time continuum is threatening that future, the hairdryer dissolves (off camera) just like his brother's head in the photograph. Maybe Marty, in addition to screwing up his future family by being all hunky in front of his mom, also somehow screws up the lives of those eventually responsible for manufacturing this important future hairdryer.

2. The speaker vanishes because it is actually a speaker from 1988... [okay, you know how this part goes now]... and the sign rotates because it cleverly conceals a spy periscope used by the drivers of the car, who happen to be the Iranian terrorists from 1988 who are hunting down Marty in the past after ramming their VW van into the time-traveling shack. Intrigue!

3. Candy jar empties because the candy is actually from the past, and that past is threatened by the fact that Marty will soon be visiting it, and so it dissolves, and also Crispin Glover (who will be named "Crisper Glovin" in my fiction) was probably responsible for filling the candy vessel, and that dude is weird. I bet that candy had all sorts of creepy Crispin magic.

4. The gauges and needles on the dashboard changed because past Doc Brown works part time for an automotive accessories store called Olde Automobile Zone to support his mad sciencing and he gets a sweet discount on aftermarket needles and gauges.

5. The subtle change in appearance of Doc Brown while he is driving the time-traveling DeLorean is due to the fact that in addition to being an ageless, time-traveling mad scientist, he is also a shape-shifter. He uses this skill to fight crime. This is really not that big of stretch, relatively.

Bonus. This one is pretty obvious, but I guess I'll spell it out for the sake of completeness. Doc Brown's dog Einstein is actually zombie Einstein in a dog suit which he uses to avoid detection as he runs from tax collectors and a tenacious small-town sheriff who keeps foiling his zombie scientist plots, and also to bide his him until he can use the time-traveling DeLorean to travel to a distant future era in which zombie scientists are more like zombie gods, worshiped and adored by the descendants of man, their robots, and their robot's man-like bio-bots.

See! It turns out everything is okay after all. You are welcome.


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