Tuesday, September 16, 2008

this is going to be one of those days, I can feel it

I think another glaring omission on the horrible blog post list thing is posts that reference inside jokes. Because really, who would want to read about someone's inside joke?

If you just predicted that I would now describe to you an inside joke, you just won Bac-Log's 2008 X-Treme Future-Prediction Contest™! Your prize is getting to keep reading! [All taxes on prizes and expenses relating to acceptance and use of prizes and not specified are the sole responsibility of winners. By participating, entrants (and entrants's parent/legal guardian/handler if winner is a tiger or bear) agree a) to these rules and decisions of Bac-Log which shall be final and binding in all respects and in all matters relating to this promotion; b) to release, discharge, indemnify and agree to hold harmless Bac-Log, its advertising and promotion agencies and all of their respective parents, affiliates, subsidiaries, agencies, homies, agents, and representatives and all of their respective employees, officers and iron-fisted lords of darkness (individually and collectively "Releasees") from any liability or responsibility whatsoever for any claims, costs, injuries, sandwiches, losses or damages (whether due to negligence or otherwise) of any kind (including, without limitation, claims, costs, injuries, sandwiches, losses and damages related to personal injuries, death, damage to, loss of or destruction of property, or rights of publicity or privacy), arising out of or in connection with the promotion or from their acceptance, possession, use or misuse of any prize, or participation in the promotion or any promotion related activity or travel related activity; and c) if a winner, by acceptance of prize, to the announcement/use of name, voice, image and/or likeness, at any time or times, for trade, advertising, publicity and promotional purposes without compensation (unless prohibited by law) by Bac-Log and those acting pursuant to Bac-Log's direction, in all media now known or hereafter discovered, worldwide, including but not limited to the World Wide Web and also that crazy dude at the bus stop, without notice, review or approval and agrees to execute specific consent to such use if asked to do so. In no event will Releasees be responsible or liable for any damages or losses of any kind, whether direct, indirect, incidental, consequential, punitive or other damages. Winner (and winner's parent/legal guardian/spider-god) will be required to complete an affidavit of eligibility, liability and (where legal) publicity release, which must be returned within time period specified by Bac-Log or prize may be forfeited. If any prizes or documents are returned as non-deliverable, or if a winner is found to be ineligible or not in compliance with these Official Rules, winner will be disqualified and prize forfeited and an alternate victim selected. If winner is not of the age of majority in his/her state of residence, prize may be awarded in the name of or to parent, legal guardian, or alien overlords (as solely determined by Bac-Log) who must execute all documents and agree to all undertakings of winner set forth in these Official Rules or prize may be forfeited. Releasees are not responsible and shall not be liable for: a) telephone, electronic, dolphin, hardware or software or program, network, or Internet or cabbage malfunction, or any communications accessibility, availability or lines, or technical errors of any kind or by any human error which may occur in the processing of entries, or the incorrect or inaccurate capture of entry or other information, or the failure to capture, or loss of, any such or similar information; b) failed, incomplete, run-on, poorly-formed, metaphorical, garbled, corrupted or delayed computer transmissions; c) lost, late, disheveled, misdirected, mutilated, incomplete, hungover, illegible entries or postage-due mail, entries or email; or d) any condition caused by events that may cause the promotion to be disrupted or corrupted. Bac-Log reserves the right in its sole discretion to cancel or suspend the promotion or any portion thereof should computer hardware or software malfunctions (such as but not limited to virus, bugs, worms, cat pictures, checking fantasy baseball scores instead of working, tampering, unauthorized intervention, fraud, technical failures) or any other causes corrupt the administration, security or proper play of the promotion, and select the winners from entries received prior to the action taken or in such other manner as deemed fair and appropriate by Bac-Log.. Cash value of prize is 1/16th of a frozen pizza, but only if it's still on sale at QFC.]

Okay, so the reason that I bring this up is that I just thought of something vaguely amusing (let's call it 0.2 Amusement Units) but which requires a complicated inside-joke backstory (65.8 Required Explanation Units.) You might be tempted to add these numbers together to create some sort of "where the hell is he going with this" sum, but you would be wrong because those units are not compatible (AU is metric). Geez, take some math, people.

ANYWAY: Here is the abridged minimum body of knowledge required for my forthcoming 0.2AU idea to make sense:
  • Fact: you have a band called 12-Point Font Crayon.
  • Fact: the band's slogan is "fuck the past. have some glitter"
  • Fact: Before 12-Point Font Crayon was a band it was TV documentary miniseries about kids with OCD who were also really into typography.
  • Fact: 12-Point Font Crayon's roadie can tell the future [Please notice that I already referenced future-telling above and include this in your notebook, "OBSERVATIONS OF BAC-LOG'S SUPERIOR SELF-REFERENTIAL EXCELLENCE AND ALSO SHOPPING LISTS, VOLUME 2"]
  • Fact: In addition to tuning your standard guitars, banjos, and solar-powered theremins, my job as roadie also includes tuning the glitter cannons and bubble machines.
  • Fact: Oh yeah, I forgot to say before that I am the roadie.
  • Fact: That might be enough facts.
  • Fact: Ok, so I guess the slogan and TV show facts above are not actually necessary for the advancement of the story, but I am going to include them as working examples of the "illusion of depth" literary device.
  • Fact: I guess I just lied two facts ago.
  • Fact: This is how you will introduce the band: "Hello Bristol! We are 12-Point Font Crayon! Have some glitter!" [pause for glitter cannoning] "Our roadie can tell the future!"
  • Fact: You may substitute Bristol for another town if you decide to branch out from the local Bristol scene.

So anyway, now that you are up to speed, how awesome would it be if your band just wrapped up a set and exited the stage, and your future-telling roadie came out to start breaking down your equipment, and everyone started cheering wildly for your amazing future-telling roadie, but you thought they were cheering for you to play an encore, so you come back out your highly-competent roadie turns the bubble machine back on and exits the stage as per the Roadie Code, and then the crowd goes quiet because hey! Why did you make the future-telling roadie go away? And by "how awesome would it be", I mean for me, not for you.

Good thing I already know the answer. ZING!

That is all.

1 comment:

Courtney said...

Damn! It is now Grant 1, Courtney 1... Damn!